April 28, 2020

 

Dear Diary,

Due to quarantine I've been self reflecting and realized how hard it is for me to open up to others. Its even hard for me to open up completely with my closests friends. 


I think its due to all the times people have screwed me over. When i was younger around 10 I think? i was really close to my neighbor. Her one friend was jealous cause she ftlt like i was stealling her friend and hated me. One day i got Guinea pigs for my birthday amd had to leave for a trip a week after. When i came back home they were gone. One of my friends told me that the girl that hated me took them and actually killed them. My neighbor was mad and they stopped being friends. I was so confused at the time. I didn't do anything wrong and she did that. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. 


Another incident was when i was friends with another neighbor of mine. She kind and always came over to play. After a while me, my caretaker, amd my other neighbor noticed that she started stealing from. She stole small toys and money from my savings. It was hard to believe at first cause she was someone i decided to be close to and open up to. Then i find out she didnt really value our friendship. 


Another time was when i was in 8th grade. There was this boy that i talked to a lot. He was good frirnd to say atleast. We took the same transportation going home and thats how we became close. Then ine day he started asking if he could hold my hand which i thought was cute at first. Then he started asking for more like if he could kiss me with tongue and more. I was getting uncomfortable and he was very persistent whenever i said no. So i stopped taking the same transportation as he did and started walking going home. 


I transferred tge next year cause i didnt want to deal with that stuff so it was a fresh mew start. People in my new school were kind at first but then i discovered they were elitist. They always thought they were better than everyone and eveyone always fought for the top spot. People saw friends as assests and made fake friendships just to be ontop. It was horrible but it helped me get thicker skin. It helped me deal with my problems more. It however made me not want yo trust others as much. 


Ive been screwed over a bunch of times more making me bot really wanting to deal with people. I gained clise friends but i still couldn't get myself to open up completely. When i try to tell them my problems i unconsciously say it in a jokingly way making them not take me seriously. 


Having a realitionship is hard. Whenever im in some kund of romantic relationship when it starts gettin serious i get scared and start becoming distant. Ive seen people open up to their partners and end up sad in then end, ive seen people get stuck in a relationship where they are unhappy but because they love the person so much they cant leave. 


I became like this to get "thicker skin" but now its hard to connect with people. I'm trying to improve myself vyt its so hard. Everytime i meet a person and i think they're kind and trust them i end up discovering that they're plastic and just want to fk up peoples lives. 


Theres not a lot of kind people out there. The norms of people are messed up but because its common no one really cares. 


I couldnt sleep so i decuded to rant out here. If you read this thanks for reading. 

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