I want to die sometimes. To clear things up before I continue, I am not blaming anyone here. These are my choices on my conscious. I'm a thinker, I think before I do. I find that I get more depressed, or have more thoughts of self harm and suicide when I am at mom's house. I know it's probably awful to say that, but it's true. It's how I feel. I think of my mom, and the house I grew up in and I remember fighting, and pain. Of course there's those small shines but the shadows overpower them. When I meet my mom I expect yelling or arguing and it immediately ruins my mood. ----- asked me if I thought that my mom thinks Im satisfactory, or successful. To be honest I don't know. I don't know and it sort of feels like I'm failing. That might be why I immediately come to the thought "cut" when my mom speaks to me I expect that she will yell, or is mad and I think "Ididsomethingwrong,andIneedtobepunishedsothatIremembernottodoitagain." But the thing is cutting doesn't make things better. It never will, but it's there and will always have a toll in my life now, even if it's just old scars. I cut so that someone might notice, but I hid as well, so that the people I wanted to notice wouldn't. If I said I didn't know why I started cutting I don't know if I'd be lying or not. The very first time I was curious. I wanted to know if cutting would hurt, if it would relieve my internal pain, why others did it. I was mainly curious, and curiosity killed the cat. I don't know If I would tell little curious 11 year old me to put the razor down or not. I live with this now. I remember parts of when my dad found me cutting. I had cut up my shoulder pretty bad, and he came in and was all worried, of course. His reaction was a lot better than my moms when I told her most recently. Of course I love my family, but sometimes I don't feel it. I hope that if mom knew what's in this journal she wouldn't be as controlling. At the same time I don't want her to act differently when she actually despises me. I don't want a fake mother. I would rather have a real harsh mom than a fake pretend mom. I cant say my opinion on that. I feel like my opinion has been oppressed, and pushed away. I don't know if I'm pretty, I don't know if I'm smart. I don't know if my mom thinks Im satisfactory or successful. My opinions and thoughts have always been based off others, and I can't stop it. I don't want to be forced to believe what others tell me and be stuck with all this confusion. I enjoy being complimented because I don't get much love at home. No attention. Im touch starved and attention deprived. Call me an attention whore. I don't care, I've been called worse by people more significant. I wish school wasnt so much of a distraction so that I could tell others how I feel or so that they could see how I feel. I wish I could start my day depressed, go to school and stay depressed. Have my friends notice and Id tell them. I need to find an alternative to cutting that I can still bleed from.
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Clear up: I absolutely love ---- as a friend and I don't think any sort of romantic relationship would work with her because our friendship is so perfect
also I love my mom and shes not as bad as I described. she can just be hard sometimes