Have you ever had that hopeless feeling? The one where you want to just disappear, fade away forever. I feel like that now. Since I haven't been cutting, I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm bored all the time when I'm alone. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I didn't look like myself. I couldn't find anything attractive in my features and I wanted to ask someone "amIpretty?" I know it goes against all the things I've said before, that I don't want my opinion to be based off of others, but I want the confirmation. I don't know how I feel I look.
I want to go to church. I've never been to church before, and I don't necessarily believe in God, but I still want to go. I feel like it would be interesting. A new experience. I wonder what a priest would say if I confessed all my thoughts to them. I've thought about what it would be like to be a priest before. I can't be one though, because I'm a girl, so instead I think of what it would be like to be a nun. I think about how maybe if I worked in a school I could support kids who struggled with self harm, or offer an accepting mind to kids who's parents didn't accept them. I don't know what I want to do, but I want to leave an impact. I want my life to help others, and have a positive impact. I want to do something important. I feel insignificant though. I'd like to be in a band. I could leave a positive, influencing message that way, plus I could do music, which I love. I feel like I'll always fail though. Because Im never good enough for myself. I still havent talked to anyone, no one's asked.
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