Were going to ---'s. I still have to write my fucking essay, school starts tomorrow. Im looking for questions to write about today so I can maybe clear up my mind. I've realized that when someone asks me how my home life is, it's always been fine, but it isn't they ask when nothing's going on and I choose not to remember things like now and the fights me, -----, and my mom have. Next time ---- asks how my life is I'll tell her how I feel. I want the talk again, with someone other than myself.
***
Im home now, and I sort of want to cut. I didn't eat much and all I've drank was a glass of water and a sip of coffee. I want to see blood. What really happens when a blade slices through flesh?
***
Questions:
How do you feel about your own life?
I don't know. My life has its ups and downs and seems pretty shitty at some moments, like most people's I'm sure. I shouldn't be answering these now, because I don't feel as bad anymore. Maybe I'll answer them again later.
Do you think about your own death or about dying?
Yes, all the time. I think about how freeing it would be, and how it would affect others, and that's why I cant die.
How would you do it?
Cutting probably, otherwise chemicals, or maybe Id go for a stroll at night, that'd be peaceful. Id love to go for a walk now, when it's dark. Id walk to ----'s and apologize, then go through the cemetery.
What stopped you from acting on your thoughts?
Disgust, shame, guilt. My mind runs, constantly because I care.
Have you prepared or practiced a plan, such as writing a note?
Notes, that's basically what this is. If I were to kill myself, Id write a note. Should I write one now? Maybe.
How did you feel after your attempt/(self harm)?
relaxed, and then guilty. I chose to lie to my therapist and others who noticed and asked, and I felt guilty for any worry I caused others, but mainly I felt satisfied and relaxed. almost proud.
How do you feel about your own future?
bleak, I don't think I'll be doing anything. I'm going to crash and burn like everyone else.
If you had suicidal thoughts again, what would you do to prevent them?
Nothing. Id welcome them, they help me assess my own mind and try to improve on myself and help others. Thinking about suicide deters me from it because I think of the consequences and how they'll always be there.
Are there others who you think would be unable to go on without you?
No. and I don't want there to be.
I asked ---- for a question:
"Whatcowbreedproducesmilk?" 1/5/20 7:15 pm
all of them, the females at least, I think?
nope, its Holstein for the milk we drink
Maybe I'll write some more today who knows
----
cut my upper arm