I've come to realize that when I say I don't want to die I don't know if its true or not. Right now while I'm writing this, 11:44 pm, I'm thinking "ofcourseIwanttolive" but I know my mindset flips. Of course I don't want to die, I want to keep my friends happy, and be there to support them. I don't want to hurt anybody by dying. I know that if I die, it will affect many others, my friends, family, everyone. I'm still alive because I don't want to harm them. I think that if I knew that my death wouldn't affect anything, I'd kill myself right now. But the world doesn't work that way, and every action has a consequence. I was thinking if I were ever to die, how would I explain, and apologize, would I leave a note? and what would I write? I think a lot about what Id write in a suicide note, and how Id try to write everything, but there would always be more, something left unspoken. I want to do something with my life, be someone, but I'm not. I'm not doing anything, I'm just sitting here in my own waste, slowly dying. I might have some talents, art, singing, music, but they're not enough. I'm not any good and I have no drive. I feel like I'm better off dead than being unproductive and a waste of space. I know everyone will say that's not true. I think I really need to talk to someone, but I don't want to talk to a therapist. I think people will think I'm insane with how much stuff is going on inside my head. My brains a beehive that's constantly moving. Anyone I talk to is bound to be concerned when I explain how I want to die but I'm not suicidal. I've been waiting for the urge to come back. Thats the wrong way to put it. I'm going to let it come when it comes, and not cut when I don't want to. When I think of cutting now, I feel sick, and guilty. It hurts and worries others and I don't want that. I want to not exist. If I didn't exist, It wouldn't affect anyone if I died, It wouldn't affect me because (Cock o' Clock) I didn't exist in the first place. Maybe if I were a tree it would be better. I wouldn't know anything though. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be someone else. But I wouldnt know my memories and experiences anymore, so I wouldn't be me, I'd be someone else. I could be a total bitch, or a super smart person, or a nice sweetheart. But I'll never know, because I'm just me. Right now it feels like it sucks being me.
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updates:
------ moved (7th grade)
----- is immortal
------'s not the best
Im getting worse