yesterday I had forgotten to finish my infographic which resulted in a major anxiety attack. This was during 1st hour English when I realized it wasn't finished and therefore my mind went instantly to the worst case scenario, and I felt a huge urge to ask for a bathroom pass and chop up my arm on school grounds. I wasn't caring about aftercare or sanitation or consequences, I just wanted to hurt, to punish myself for forgetting. I managed to suppress the urge by thinking about what could actually happen and how I wouldnt have any band aids or anything to clean up with. I drew a ton of butterflies all over my arm as well. If I haven't already mentioned, I told ---- about thursday night and I don't know if she noticed the bandaid on my arm yesterday. Right now I'm contemplating cutting. I know I shouldn't but I kind of want to? It's a really conflicting, confusing feeling. I want to yet I dont and I know I shouldn't. I think I want to want to yet I don't and it confuses my body and contradicts itself to get me to do it. I want to want to now.
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