The first thing I always see when I open this journal is the line "------issick." It makes me realize that I'm the one who's sick. I cut today, and yesterday, on my left wrist, aiming for blood. It's 10:15 and I'm currently texting the crisis hotline. Honestly they're not very helpful, but it feels good to be telling someone. The counselors name is -----, and I think she knows I'm not the usual case. I don't want to die, but I'm not sure anymore. I want to suffer, somehow I deserve it, but I don't know why. I talked to ----- at QQuest as well, about mom, and -----, and the complications and stress, I've really been opening up, and I want to tell ------, but shes not in a good place and I don't want to stress her. I want to tell my parents and I want to go to the hospital and get help. But I also want to destroy myself and lacerate my entire arm and legs. ----- takes too long to respond. They should put actual, helpful people on these things, not to be rude, I'm kind of a bitch in these entries. ----- asked how long I've been feeling numb and how long I've felt a need to be punished, its been about 2-3 years. Wow, long time. I know its not a good idea to cut more, but I really want to its like an addiction. Its sick, but its the truth, I want to cut more. I don't feel anything except for the fear of the slice, and the subtle acknowledgement the gross realization that it will hurt. But I'm not regretting it right now. I've been chatting slowly with ----- since 10:09, shes inspired by my dedication to my own well being. I bet that's something you don't get often with self harming people. I think I'm not the most normal patient. I do and don't want to die, I don't want to leave my friends, and family, but I don't feel that way now, I'm not thinking straight. I want to lose a lot of blood, and feel my pain slip away. I texted ----- that I feel like I cant trust myself, and its true, I cant trust myself to stay away from the blade, even though I try. I feel like I need someone to confine me somewhere while I withdrawal, but I don't want to them to. I want to cut and that the problem, that I want it. I'm addicted, I don't even do it while I'm sad, I can be perfectly happy at school and get the urge to cut, just to do it. I'm running out of band aids, and part of me is thinking about cutting during school. I need help. I really, really want to tell my parents, my mom is in the next room, I could easily ask her to take me to the hospital, to help me stay safe from myself. I'm so tempted to just grab the blade again and dig in, like I did with the razor in 6th grade. I want to slice myself to bits and watch the blood drip down but I don't want it to hurt emotionally. I want to cut more before I tell my parents, it feels like if I go to the hospital now, they'll say "ohshesstable" and then, they'll tell me to go home and then I'll cut again. I cant trust myself, even right now, my hands are shaking with how much I want to cut, and prove myself. Maybe I want to punish myself for wanting so much attention and validation. It must be extremely annoying. I really, really want to go to the hospital, I want to get out of the house, away from myself. I feel like Ill regret it if I don't go tonight. I'm punishing myself for being a coward.
"Iamsoinspiredbyyourwillingnesstokeepyourselfsafeandseekoutsupporttonight." -Astra 11/14/19 10:53 pm
It feels good to text but it feels better to talk in person so maybe ill tell mom and ask to be taken to the hospital. I'm scared shell say no, but I know she wont, at least I hope so. I don't want to hide anymore, hopefully I can start to get better, and not have to deal with this anymore. I want to live and I deserve to be happy.