January 08, 2020

Dear Diary,

         My name is Netta and my life isn’t so exciting. I’m an aspie and have PTSD. My day consists of constant anxiety more then anything else. And as much as i love my psychiatrist. This is getting so hard. My job made me go on leave today and won’t let me return until i have a clearance from my psych. And i didn’t even really have a breakdown at work, again. I knew i couldn’t hold in the tears any longer and i did what everyone suggests for me to do. Find a quiet spot, let it out, center yourself and go back to work. But i guess i didn’t find the best hiding spot and the next thing i know i’m in my bosses office. Hell, i wouldn’t be so upset for a break from work if that didn’t mean now my health insurance benefits processing will be slowed and i’ve been waiting on the insurance so my doc can do more testing to see why this anxiety is as bad as it is. Plus, i get severe hot/cold flashes at night, and get extremely itchy, get random blurred vision and see random colored spots, and i’m beyond exhaustion at all times. More reasons my doc wants to do more tests. I’m never physically comfortable, constantly anxious, exhausted but can’t sleep and can’t eat due to anxiety. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel i have failed so terribly. And everything i fear is to fail. My soul feels as if it is being ripped from my body and i can’t stop it. I just want to wake up one day, not being mad that it is another day. I want to wake up not crying my eyes out, dreading what is before me. And as patient as i’m trying to be, i’ve been patient for so long and i’m just trying to do my best to keep pushing.