November 23, 2019, Just so many things..

 

Dear Diary,

The 3 Lessons.

Tears of acceptance.

Aha Moments gain.

So many hobbies. 

Birthday. 

Anchor.


I had more things in mind, before starting. But i dont remember everything now. 

Ok, let me start. 


Tears of acceptance.

Its from 3 days ago, i was driving bike, and i felt these tears in my eyes. I am forgetting things, and i am getting older, and i don't know where i am going. And i realize, i accept it, that this is life. That somedays i'll just feel like i am lost, somedays i'll feel like i wont be able to get everything i wanted in life. That i would never become steve jobs. That impacting lives of so many people will only be a desire in my heart, but i may never fulfill it. That maybe, thats how my time on this planet will just pass. These tears, its the way my heart expressed that it has accepted it now. I resist it though. Now when i am writing it, i feel like, maybe it was just an emotional noise. And its not like, i cant anything now, I still have time, i am not very old yet. And its ok, even if i dont do everything, i am doing something, maybe not 1000s of lives, but i have impacted few lives, and i'll keep doing it as long as i can. 


The 3 Lessons -

1. Listening from so many experienced people, may not help us sometimes.

The other 2 i forgot. I think they were more important ones.


Two days ago, when i was swimming, i had another realization, I am trying to learn swimming, and everyday i am not making much progress, i am floating, i am kicking, my toes are pointed, i can hold breath, but i am not moving forward. Everyday trainers come and tell me things, sometimes one says, i am stiffening my shoulders, i am not hitting the water hard, my hands are not straight, my body is stiff, i have fear, my legs are bending... Everyday its different reasons. Everytime a trainer comes and he tells me, what is it that i am doing wrong. But what i realized was, everyone was saying different things from their perspective. But my problem was different. I thought of bhuvan, we all kept giving him suggestions, but he knew that, all those solutions wont work for him. What will work for him is only what we knows. And everyone telling him from their experience, wont actually help him.


Sometimes, when we are trying to learn something so hard, and yet we are not learning it. The reason could also be that maybe we learnt something wrong in beginning. And now we need to Unlearn something first. Thats what i think i have to do with swimming. I have to forget what i know and start from scratch again. 


So many Hobbies - 


I have had many hobbies. Karate, Reading, Writing, Sketching, Cooking, Guitar, Swimming, Traveling, Coding... Philosophy, History, Science, Astrology... All these things interests me and i put some effort into all these, and yet i am not anywhere with any of these. I just know top layer things, but i cannot really do some good stuff. And i keep waiting or the thing that i am going to this meditation camp, thinking that maybe this camp will just open up my mind, give me some super thinking ability, or maybe transform my mind to another level. But now i think, maybe it wont. Maybe i'll still be the same person. Maybe it wont change who i am. So if i want to achieve something, i have to act on it. Nothing else will help. 


Aha Moment again. 

(Or maybe my stupidity again). Once again the solution was there all this time, but i was looking in the wrong place. Its about the MCB. 15 days ago someone commented on github about the solution, and instead of trying that, i was trying to figure out different thing. And wasted one entire day on it. Only to later realize that it was simple, very simple, and it was there, Already.



Birthday

Its very close now, only 8 more days. But i dont feel very excited this time, i mean, not even thoughtful, like every year. Not nervous, i dont even think of it in day. What am i gonna do, what have i done, nothing, this one last year has passed so quickly,it feels as if it was only yesterday. This year, its just so normal...Although sweety is giving me gifts. Yesterday she gave me a hoodie, today a shurt. I know she is giving me something tmrw as well. 



Anchor

Ofcourse we know that, These days, i dont really do a lot of things. I don't find much inspiration. Earlier i did few things, and many of them had a common inspiration. Coding, Travelling, Making things, Meditation. It was her. Although I know, that i believed that we are who we are and people dont change us, it's just that with time our genes change their play. And we tend to credit this change to someone or something. But really, sometimes i wonder if she was the inspiration. I dont know how to explain this, i think it'll be too long, But i was just thinking yesterday, if she was my Ikigai.. =D 


Ok. Bye. 






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