September 22, 2019

Even knowing

I know in my heart...  In my soul there's no hope... I know that I've lied beyond repair... I know I can't seem to get shot right and I lock up an I don't say the things I mean to say...  But is it wrong to still hope there's some sick twisted side of him that is just waiting for me to finally get it right... I know the answer to that.  No he really means it hen he says his only here to help me it my soberitty. I can't repair the damage I've done...  I can't fix it.  I can't make it better..  I can only hope that I don't take him deeper into the dark rabbit hole I've seen to have trapped him in for the time being...  I can only hope after all is said an done he can walk away saying he has faith in me not to relapse an that he finally believes I've got this under control... 

I do this for me...  Because I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore...  I don't want to feel guilty anymore..  I ant to be a mom again...  I want to deserve my kids...  I ant my kids to look at me an tell me there proud...  And If he happens to be able to tell me as ell maybe I'll be able to forgive myself for putting him into the position I put him in...  Maybe it I'll in some ay make up for everything I took from him...  

Lord...  Please help me to get myself right..  I don't want to be ashamed and alone the rest of my life