September 07, 2019

I've been trying to figure out what I want from life... What does it mean to feel alive...

What is feeling alive for me...

In the past, it's been doing whatever I want and living how I want without worrying about opinions, being able to breathe, being able to accept myself as a whole, being able to be comfortable in my own skin, learning, transformation, reaching for the stars, being spontaneous, going on adventures, taking pictures, traveling, being whatever I want to be in life and doing what makes me happy without being told otherwise...

It's feeling free and not having to worry about the future or beat myself up or not being able to accept my scars...

It's being happy to really be alive...

I miss that...

For a long time, I worry...

I beat myself up...

I get mad, frustrated, trying to change myself, trying to be something else, giving my all for people who don't give a shit about me, and wondering why do I matter to some people because for a long time the only time I mattered was when I was useful...

I don't want to be tired anymore...

I don't want to waste my time anymore...

I don't want to give the world, the moon, the stars, for people who just manipulate me...

I don't want to compromise my happiness anymore...

I just want to live...

I'm 19 but I've felt like I wasted a lifetime on bullshit.

And I got nothing out of it.

I'm sick of being tired...

I'm sick of people telling me what I shouldn't be.

Trying to nudge me into a different direction.

I'm alive.

And I want to feel it. I want to feel like I'm actually alive...

And I don't make sense sometimes, I know, I don't even understand sometimes.

I just want to feel alive...

It's just one of those things you'll never fully understand...