Dear Diary,
Wednesday, 04 Sep 2019 12:00 AM
I am a warrior by fate.
I was trampled.
Imprisoned.
And abused at my own hands.
That's an entirely new level of pain,
To be left for dead by your own hands.
The hands used to fill your bowl and refill your glass became the ones who imprisoned you and hurt you and mentally and emotionally abused you because your mind has convinced you that you weren't good enough to be loved from the start and you'll never be good enough.
The pain is that of a loyal companion who accepts that in order to be loved they must be useful in some way.
Truly and deeply believing that by fate you were not meant for happiness or love.
And drawing that conclusion the hand that puts food in your belly is now the hand that feeds you poison.
The hands that make your bed become the ones that prepare your prison cell.
I've fought and fought and fought.
I've fought demons.
I've fought my way out of my prison.
I've fought my way to happiness.
I've fought and fought and I'm still fighting.
I'm fighting for myself this time.
For years I fought for my mom because the pain in my eyes hurt her core.
After losing her, I fought for my sister.
I have never really fought for my happiness.
I fought for my usefulness.
I fought for my place in people's lives.
I'm fighting for myself now and it's so new.
And it's like looking at this new beginning through the eyes of a stray who is terrified of the loving embrace of those who mean them no harm and wonder, "why do you love me? Why do you want me here?"
Sometimes paranoia rattles the bones and leaves you internally screaming like you deeply believe you're gonna get hurt and you're ready for it.
Constantly in a state of fight or flight.
Recalling a video of a dog being pet by gentle hands for the first time and he screamed as though he was being hurt.
He screamed loudly, even though he could see the person was being very loving and gentle.
He could see the person was loving and caring and obviously wanted to help him.
But because of the past he only expected and anticipated being hurt again.
That's what it's like to grow up mentally and emotionally abused to the point of self destruction.
And it hurts my soul knowing that anyone out there is experiencing that pain right now.
And I'm so sorry...
God bless the taxi driver and his friend.
Bind up and dry up any ailments that may infect them now in Jesus name.
Heal the broken bodies and broken hearts.
Heal their ministries and bind up any plans the enemy has in store for their destruction in Jesus name.
Dry up any and all curses put forth against them in Jesus name.
Let them know peace right now in Jesus name.
Let them know you have gone forth and destroyed the assignment of the enemy in Jesus name.
May they know your divine peace and divine intervention. May they know that you're always on time.
Give them strength.
Give them faith right now in Jesus name.
Let them know that because you are God the curse, the pain, the hurt, it all has been destroyed and they are healed in Jesus name.
They will receive ten fold and much more because of their faith in you.
God, I just want to thank you for my family, oh God.
I want to thank you for my ministry.
I want to thank you for my love.
I want to thank you for my travels.
I want to thank you for the lives I've touched and the hearts and minds that know peace because of You.
I want to thank you for my children and thank you for the angels watching over them as they live and laugh and learn.
I want to thank you for the story you've written for me and my husband.
I want to thank you for my strength to support and help and encourage him as he readjusts himself in life and find his happiness.
Thank you for his progress and his happiness.
Thank you for his heart and his love and his presence and for placing him my life.
Thank you for healing him and helping him understand every scar and every wound and understand himself as a whole.
Thank you for helping him reach his full potential in life.
Thank you for giving him a peace of mind.
Thank you for showing him love and showing me how to love him correctly.
Thank you for motivating him and encouraging him each time he's discouraged.
Thank you for binding up the spirit of hostility and frustration.
Thank you for binding up intimidation.
Thank you for all you have already done for me...
In Jesus name...
I thank you...
I love you...
Amen...
And amen...