The day once again unfolds through familiar actions. She washes vegetables under cool water, cuts them into even pieces, watches as the water in the pot begins to boil. The smell of food fills the kitchen, but it stirs no emotions - just another lunch, one of hundreds, no different from yesterday or the day before.
While the food cooks, work calls come in. She answers calmly, nods, takes notes - her voice steady, her intonations just right. Everything as it should be. Somewhere between emails and discussions, she mechanically puts things in their places, wipes the dust, takes out the trash. One more to-do list slowly shrinks, only for a new one to take its place.
The day drifts toward evening, and she doesn’t even notice where the time has gone. Her hands were busy, her mind occupied. And her feelings… They stayed behind the scenes once again. Tucked away safely beneath the weight of routine, like under a heavy blanket.
The thoughts in her head begin to construct a plan for the evening, slowly, with a strained creak, as if she were adjusting an old, rusty mechanism.
“Today, I have to be sociable. I have to smile, keep up the conversation, laugh at the right moments. There’s a gathering today - board games, people all around. It’s not that scary, right? Just spending time, just playing a few rounds, just being among others.”
But inside, the same emptiness lingers. It hasn’t left, hasn’t dissolved - just settled in the background of all these preparations.
“As I get dressed, fix my hair in the mirror, I almost believe I’m ready to socialize. Almost.”
“When I meet my friends, I’ll say the right words, pretend I’m interested. And at some point, it might even get easier - the social mechanism will finally start working. The board game will be a distraction: numbers, cards, strategies.”
But the moment she stops to think, the exhaustion creeps in. As if something deep inside is resisting, wanting to escape, to retreat into silence.
But not today.
“Today, I have to be here, among people. Because sometimes, socializing isn’t about wanting to - it’s about needing to.”