March 31, 2026

Dear Diary,

Hello, first time writing in a journal in a looooooong time. I've felt pretty dysfunctional lately. Saying I'm depressed feel dramatic but I don't know how else i would describe it. I Haven't had a consistent routine in so long and that is definitely what my body needs. but I hate my job currently. working at the elementary school causes me intense stress. i like working at the daycare but that's only occasionally and i feel like i messed that up because i didn't respond to Emilys message. I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed about the state of the world. I'm stressed about how numb i feel to it. i feel so hopeless. i know that I'm not along in feeling that way but it's so hard for me not to feel isolated. My brain feels wrong. I wish i could hand write my journal entries but I can't cause my ganglion cyst causes mw wrist problems and id rather but my wrists ability into art then anything else. its silly that I feel this way because i had such a good day today. I went thrifting with Martina and then saw Project Hale Mary with Martina, Sophie and Anton and it was really good but my brain feels bad. I'm so stressed. my body just holds onto it. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel like I'm letting myself down. I don't know what to do. I haven't felt like this in a long while. I feel so disconnected. Typing this makes me real sad honestly. My brain feels like its being stretched into a million directions and i have all of these ideas of things is want to do and stuff i want to accomplish but i am so thoroughly overwhelmed and cant seem to think of one thing at a time. I shouldn't have spent money today. that was irresponsible. its hard not to talk to myself this way. I feel like I'm usually somewhat aware of the dialogue that happens in my head and can redirect myself but I haven't been able to get a grip and stir my brain into a different direction. I don't trust myself. I feel so uncapable. I want to change but am stuck. i hate my body, i feel so uncomfortable about the way I'm perceived. But tomorrow is a new day.

3 things I'm grateful for.

1. I am grateful for my able body

2. I am grateful for having two working vehicles

3. I am grateful to have so many people in my life that don't give up on me.

3 thing is like about myself

1. I like how I've been able to push myself socially. the things I'm doing rn i wouldn't have done a year ago.

2. I like that I try to show up for myself everyday even when that doesn't go according to plan.

3. I like that I care so much. I also hate that