A café just opened outside the estates, and for two weeks, I’ve been obsessing over one thing on their menu.
Croffles.
So obsessed I've been that I eat them daily, consuming three pieces at most in one day. For those unfamiliar, it’s a waffle made of croissant dough, crowned with a magnificent amount of cream. By magnificent, I mean the kind that drips when lifted, spilling its contents on the container, my fingers, and the area around my mouth with every, luscious, bite.
Oh, yes.. It’s sloppy, a complete mess .. and I absolutely love it! My favourite flavours from the shop are Nutella Almond and Matcha. Ugh, but they’re so tasty...
So tasty that I feel awful.
Awful because I feel guilty.
Guilty because I. Feel. FAT!
Huhu.
People would prolly say otherwise, but that’s how I feel, and that’s how I see myself in the mirror. Good lord, why can’t our bodies just distribute fat into our breasts and buttocks instead? 😭 I don’t know if I have subclinical body dysmorphia because everyone says I’m skinny, but that’s just not how I feel. I’m probably being irrational. I told my friend about this and showed him pictures of my fat arms, and he said they only appear like that because I’m flexing them... But I wasn’t flexing them. I just pushed them against the side of my ribs, and it’s like I have a sleeper build of fat arms 😭
Tonight, I walked 1 km for 13 minutes on the treadmill. I’ll increase the distance every day bit by bit, and I’ll add planks to this routine whilst I doomscroll. I want to tone these stupid fat arms of mine and my bloated stomach. I was thinking of fasting for three days, but upon imparting this to my therapist, he scolded me and said that I’m already sitting in underweight territory and that if I were to fast, I would be fasting myself out of ✨existence✨ 🥲
But the only reason he thinks I’m underweight is because I told him I’m 39 kg, which was my weight the last time I measured myself ✨two years ago✨ 🥲
I’m pretty sure I'm heavier than that now, but he says it’s not a diet I need but muscle definition. If I tell him I've also been looking up liposuction prices, he'd just about lose it. Maybe I'm just being extra harsh on myself. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Or maybe I've always had sleeper chubby arms before and I'm just noticing them now..
Cutting croffles and fries from my unhealthy diet definitely wounds my gluttony, but starting tomorrow, I’ll try to follow a menu that should increase my protein intake.
I’ve always prided myself on being one of those lanky people who can eat whatever and however much they want without gaining weight, but that proud conviction of mine is now down the drain. Perhaps it’s time, perhaps it’s ageing, perhaps it’s change being the only constant bitch in this world...
I was looking at old pictures of myself and was convinced that I really have changed. (God, I was so much more angular!) I can’t believe people back then kept telling me to gain weight—I looked perfect, are you kidding me 😭 I miss this fatless body of mine. And I didn’t even need to work out to attain or maintain such a figure!
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