Dear Diary,
Age is just a number, but, days are real. Changes in life are real too.
It is sad, i did not share a lot with you in the last year, but a lot happened. I got married.
First thing first, reflection.
There is one thing that has been riding my mind this whole year more than ever, ever in life, and i want to take it off my chest, is FEAR.
I donn't know how or when i got that thing, but i think this was the year of fear. I'll tell you more, but let me begin with other things.
Last year in December we moved to a new house. I put in a lot of thoughts in the color of the guest room, wallpaper, lights, my foldable study table, tv unit, curtains, my bedroom design and everything else. I don't notice all the details today, but it was one of a kind feeling to build your home (even though it's technically not mine). I have mixed feelings about throwing out so much old stuff from our old home and sometimes when i remember that place, now i think soo lowly of that same place i lived for so many years.
In January, my wedding event was one BIG thing too. for the first time i organized a big event and invited everyone including mamas and the whole family, i have only been at the receiving end until now, and i think i did not do a poor job, no one was unhappy in the end. But sooooo much credit and thanks goes actually to papa, who pulled it off largely.
But, it's not just the event which was big, Damm, I got married in January. To be honest it didn't feel like a big event at that point. It must have been very big for Komal, i know for sure. I'll tell you in detail about the marriage itself later though.
We went to vietnam in february, I wanted Komal to travel with me and to see foreign land. Some days I feel it was a really good trip. Some days I think it was okay =D. It's not like me and Komal did not spend time together before marriage. We did spend some time and we knew each other a little bit. But living outside home for over a week, I think we both learned a lot about each other's habits, likes, and travel ideas. I showed her my crude ways: how I like to travel in scooty and how I like local food and ofcourse we clashed =D.
March just went by in me & komal mingling, me mingling with her family. Adesh's wedding preps and our first holi together.
In april i went to scotland, eng retreat's are always one of the best times of my year. It was beautiful, everything was sooo beautiful.
Then adesh's wedding, that's when i mingled more with komal's family (now started feeling like my family too), but i am always cautious about not mingling too much, maybe it's a good thing and maybe not, but that's what i have seen everywhere.
Then we all went to Rajasthan. It was a good trip too. Then komal's birthday, i did some things but not a lot, i wish i could do more for her. Like i did not have a grand surprise for her, she must have had more hopes from me.
Then my grand canyon trip, my fligt got delayed and i got to spend a day in Qatar (I feel like i could explore so much in just 1 day). I am not having right words for it, but i feel like this is a great form of travel to just live for 2 days in a place or just whole month, nothing in b/w.
one of the best things about the Grand Canyon trip was the roads in Arizona, it was really a dream coming true. I remember seeing those long desserted roads only in posters and dreamt of travelling on those road someday. Then we saw the Grand Canyon and we also saw the Monument valley. I think monument valley is the second most amazing thing i have seen in my life after mexican pyramids, and grand canyon the 3rd.
Then the silchar trip. (NOW that i look back, actually i have travelled so much in this year, i should have called this year, the year of travelling, and how the f did i mange work :O ).
It was great too, meeting everyone, komal was too scared to meet everyone before going. Meeting everyone in the family feeels sooooo sooo great. I crave it a lot. I wish, if we could just keep doing it atleast once in an year.
June was the time of Shweta di, sweety, golu and navya. This is another great time of my year every year when everyone is here. We went to ikea, bought so many things. We went to places, played with navya, golu.
Then we went to goa, we went to aarambol, but it was so dead in the off season, i wanted to show komal the vibe of goa that i like, but we were unlucky. We are still finding common things we love about travelling 😁.
We are quiet different.
Between then and diwali, we had many more family gatherings, golu got sick and golu got well, navya had her birthday, darwani finally quit his job and travelled a lot, komal joined balaji sir's office, and kiosk was launched and Navid became my manager and i learnt driving.
This was also the time when I gave a lot of time to the work, I also got a lot of recognition at the company mostly for my dedication and hard working. I also felt lost so many times about not knowing what I was doing. work-wise this whole year has been focused on kiosk. We built and rebuilt kiosk, we launched at some properties, we finally launched at a marriott property too. but the product market fit is still unclear, more and more I dislike how Navid is leading the team and the product, maybe the whole company is changing as we grew engineering head count to double this year. But i have to stick with the job. This is where I'm making money. I'm not learning a lot engineering-wise, I guess that's true that not all jobs are the means to getting everything you want.
Another thing I feel sad about is, I've lost touch from my friends this year almost entierly. I feel sad I did not send any gift to eera on her birthday and it has been so long since i spoke to her properly, like we used to. I haven't had a lofe conversation with dawrani in such long time, hardly met ruchi ashik just a few times. I miss our late night chats over chai. I only met ankita jatin once this whole year.
Anyway, we then had Diwali, then we went to rajasthan and then we had the Ayodhya and varanasi trip. Varanasi was soo crowded and i did not like the trip much. But i loved that the whole family was together again.
Then my birthday 🎂 and we went to Andaman & Nicobar islands. Komal gave me SOOOO many gifts this year. She even gave me the vinyl record player and a jagjit singh record. She keeps noticing what i like and puts so much effort in making me feel special.
She writes amazingly beautiful letters, i can make one book out of all the letters i have got till now.
Although the location itself wasn't really great, as we did not do scuba and the whole place was sooo crowded, but this time, i made komal do a trek in jungle with me, which was kind of some adventure and risky 😄.
Of course she did not like it at first and even got injured 😄 but, I think she did it good, she was just scare, I think she can do harder treks now.
Then i went to New Jersey for the camp and eng retreat this year.
No questions, it was amazing, ashish was my room mate this time, we had neon themed carnival, meeting everyone in the team, ej, elena, david, Albert was great. Saturday was shots night :( i am sure next time harman would specifically point out me when he says, be professional.
They removed shots from the menu the next day 😄😄.
All and all, this year was a lot of travel, a lot of time with komal, family and a lot of work, Lesssss friends and a lot of fear.
Fear about loosing things, about tax, loosing money, hospitals and diseases, uncertainty in life. I earned a lot and spent a lot too this year. I think they actually go hand in hand. These days i don't really think much before spending money on small things. I have bought really expensive gifts this year, the kinds i never imagined actually just an year ago.
Work wise, i did not have a lot of satisfaction this year, although i got a lot of recognition.
Marriage is a topic for another day, but it has been a real big change in my life this year, one of the biggest, it has transformed my thinking, my behaviour, it has elevated love inside me, but it hasn't come easily. It has also been very difficult, although I'm not sure if I can say I've seen more difficult times. But in hindsight, I think I do not have any scars from marriage, even the difficult parts were temporary and has made me a better person overall.
Me and Komal fought a lot this year. We argued. We fought. And multiple times we thought of separating and thinking marriage was the wrong decision for us, but all of these were temporary and nothing survived even more than a day. I know we still have a long way to go but that is our spiritual journey, that is the way god will teach us the next chapter of our life.
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Things i learnt this year
- I learned the value of communication and how important it is at work.
- I also learnt that skills required for Indian companies are different from skills required for U.S. companies.
- I learnt working with LLM agents and I also built a few apps with LLM agents
- From J,Krishnamurti I learnt that generosity of heart is the beginning of meditation and love in my heart is the ground upon which I will meditate.
Actually, i don't have a lot of things i can tell you i learnt, but i think more love has been developing in me, that is gradual but substantial.
What i want to do in this year
1. Learn Europe's History and more of spain's history.
2. Health, by now i know more deeply that health is true wealth, i need to build and preserve. I'll go to gym atleast 180 days this year and by the end of this year, i'll maintain 70Kgs. Eat more veggies and less fried stuff. Also help mom develop better habits.
3. I'll do intermittent fasting for all days except 60 days in total.
4. I'll not get unconsciously drunk ever in this year.
5. I'll do vipassana atleast 5 days a week, i'll do it in night, if not in morning.
6. I'll keep a daily journal this year.
7. Develop the habit of speaking less, listening more, at the end of the year, i want to be a great communicator. I'll take the masterclass and practice it at canary.
8. Record 3 video lectures and post on youtube about something i learnt this year
9. Write 3 articles about something i learnt.
10. More discipline: I'll follow a time table this year and go to office daily.
11. Read a lot, dedicate 2 hours of reading time every week.
12. Write more often. Write daily journal.
13. Do not use mobile untill 2 o clk in the afternoon.
14. I am not yet sure about which direction i'll go in my career this year, but decide by end of January. Be it robotics/aviation/hardware/biology/ai, just pick something.
Couple goals
1. Being in harmony with komal, reduce our arguments count to 12 per year. Understand her more and keep calm even when you want to shout. (But don;t do it because you have to, if you do that, you are subsiding your own behaviour, instead focus on understanding her deeper need)
2. Go to 2 trips with komal
3. Play badminton with her/gym with her more often.
4. Learn a dance form with her.
Son goal
1. Spend more time with mom,
2. Play games with her at least twice a month. Play new games and learn chess with her.
Along with these, i want to continue to be a good husband and a son. I want to be free from fear, i know life isn't to be taken seriously. I am sure there'll be difficulties, even harsher times, but nothing would last forever, not even me.
I am just a passenger and this is just a ride.