Dear Diary,
I never thought to put boundaries around sex toys as I never thought he would use them as they were designed for females…
I would rebuild trust with him and faith and was told all the right things
And the same story goes his private porn use creeping back in as a secret again
Buying more sex toys for me to use in front of him. Often when he would painfully agree to sex with me I would introduce them in the heat of the moment he would shy away..
then finding out he’s been using them alone, then I’ll throw them out again…
Why did I have to miss out? Why was sex so hard for him with me? Is it because he’s not attracted to me? I really don’t think so as I have always been well kept and looked after myself. Why was I being punished in all of this? I got no enjoyment out of it..
Am I his downfall? By trying to bring things into our pitiful sex life? I’m adventurous and wanted to have fun.. I am up for everything and anything
Over the years things got progressively worse with his secret porn use in our marriage
When he was off it, a great father and husband connected and grounded
when he was on porn he wasn’t a father or husband… we were often met with his aggression, which lead to physical violence and mental abuse mainly towards me
He would start fights to cause distance and disappear to the toilet for hours watching cam girls
I’m a strong woman I fought back.. I wanted to be seen
As our kids were getting older... I still worked most weekends and he sat around not doing much while his porn use got worse. When I say worse 6-7 hours a day on cams everyday (and he worked full time also)
The kids would spend the weekends while I was working in their bedroom as he went from our bed to cupboard watching hours of porn.
Often escalating acts while he was with himself. The one that disturbs me the most is because he kept using my sex toys on himself and I threw them out. So he started to grab cucumbers from the fridge to use on himself instead. Injuring himself over and over again
With my kids in their rooms while he was in the cupboard for hours with a cucumber
I would often come home to a dark house and rubbish everywhere. With one of my children special needs I would find him covered in urine as he had been sitting in it all day
And my husband would meet me with his Anger and resentment