Today is grey and dreary. Much like my mood lately. It's not cold but there's a chill in my bones that I can't shake. This time of year is always a let down to me. I guess ever since the kids have grown the "magic" is gone. The stress use to be worth it when they would light up opening their presents and seeing houses decorated with lights and watching movies with popcorn and hot cocoa. Now the stress is accompanied by quick get togethers and the feeling of competing with other families for decent gifts and family time. Not to mention trying to find a day where everyone is available and what to cook and who's bringing what and blah blah blah. I would rather pull the covers over my head and hide until at least the second week of January. The holidays just don't hold the same meaning for me anymore.
Remember that commercial for the antidepressant where the people hid their face behind a smiley face on a stick? I feel like that's my life right now. But the energy to keep putting the face up in quickly fading. It's almost physically painful to pretend. Not to mention mentally. But no one understands this because they refuse to believe something they can't see; no matter how many times you try to explain. They don't want to believe that thoughts can hurt. That they can be physically exhausting for some people. Because who could be that weak, to let thoughts get the best of them?
I fell down my front steps a week ago, hitting my tailbone right on the edge of the step and the pain I've been in hasn't really helped any of my mood. I hate not being able to do the simple stupid stuff life bend and sit. Asking for help with anything has never been my strong suit so it makes it even harder. Not to mention people around me seem to think I should be able to continue as I was. I almost wish they would fall and hit their tailbone so I could look at them like they look at me.
I just want to scream and punch something.