this family is insufferable I cannot stand this anymore. They would never understand my feelings even when they say you should share everthing cause were “family” and when I do they will judge. Thats the reason why I kept everything to myself most of the time. I cannot live like this anymore in this loneliness. So many people around me yet I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Theres not one person that is physically around me that truly gives me comfort instead just being a pain in the ass for me. Frustration and anger. The most attention that people give me is online and even that you always tried to take it away from me. I’m an official adult now damnit. Yes I’m less mature as my age but that doenst mean I cant make my own fucking decisions. Your ruining everything from me I cant even speak about the things that I love. All this time Ive kept it all to myself. I am aware that a lot of people at school, around me hates me. fuck them in the ass. All I wanted is just a little bit of attention. It’s driving me insane to the point where I can’t stop imagining a diffrent reality where my love interest is actually in love with me, I have so many people around me, so many friends. And just desirable and likable in everyones eyes. I keep denying that I hate all these attention for a long time but now i regret even thinink about that and even rejecting the attention I got in my previous life in boarding school. I got so many friends everyone was so nice. Now everyone at school is so arrogant and talk to you either only if youre pretty or popular which I know I would never fit it that category. I never did anyways all my life. elementary? Keep dreaming buddy, all you get was getting shoved in a mud by your bully and ruining your uniform. International school? embarassing. I got teased and madefun of by these two indians everyday. I hate international school. I never fit in any. Expecially now that racism are so normalized in this world so many conflict. Sexism. The only recognition that I would get in real life is humiliation. which is very much true. I thought I could fit in that circle. I tried. But people will always judge no matter what. especially when youre being yourself. All these delusion that I have is driving me insane. It’s like a drug I’m addicted to, and when I start imagining the reality I desire I get so delusional to the point where I think that there is a chance I would have what I wanted. Which will never happen. And when I realized that, I get so damn frustrated. I cannot focus on anything. I get so damn mad because what I wanted, is not a reality and never will be. At least not for now but I do not have the patients to wait for it. Sometimes I wish I was still that innocent girl who doesn’t know anything about living. about life and the challenges. The one that never worries about the ugliness of the world. That don’t have to be so anxious about how people view her.