Battle Royale: Where It All Began

When Cloud suggested we watch Battle Royale, the movie that apparently inspired The Hunger Games, the first image that came to my mind was some kind of video game. Then he said that my thinking of it so made sense, as the shooting games we have now like PUBG and Fortnite, where the players are deployed from a helicopter to an island, were also inspired by it. The film being from 2000 made it even more interesting to me as Cloud and I have been fondly watching classic movies.

I was surprised to see the actor who played Light Yagami in the live-action Death Note as one of the protagonists. What a foetus he was! It was nice to see a familiar face. However, in my opinion, a lot of the killings bordered on comical rather than convincing. Cloud and I so often laughed during these scenes. Like when they’re supposedly slicing through flesh, but instead of showing the process, the camera shows a different angle for the shortest bit, then abruptly transitions to blood already squirting from their necks or whatever. Still, it was a fun watch. And watching it with Cloud made it even more enjoyable.

If it weren’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have figured out the metaphor behind it, how life is basically a battle royale where people are pitted against each other in a system designed to oppress them. He usually digs deep into that kind of stuff, ever the philosopher that he is, whilst I’m just a shallow watcher content in the art I consume so long as it pleases my taste.

"But why the children?" was one of my first questions, since it was a whole class of ninth graders sent off to the island. "Why not... college students? If they wanted the youth to take life more seriously, why didn’t they televise the whole thing? So they’d actually be afraid of the consequences?"

It was here he explained to me it was only a metaphor, and that the battle royale only represented our society.

But my curiosities inevitably paved the way for a much darker one, albeit playfully. "If we were in a battle royale together, would you kill me?"

Cloud thought for a bit through a hum, before saying ever so reluctantly, "Yeah... probably."

His concrete hesitance didn't soften the blow. My jaw dropped all the same. "You don’t love me?"

The question seemed to strike him so funny as he just laughed and made no answer.

"You don’t love me!" I declared in a painful whine, gutted.

"Only one has to survive," he reasoned in the midst of his chuckles, like that clarification should make me feel better.

"Oh my gosh!"

Then he threw the question back at me, expecting I’d kill him, too. But with all the passion of my soul, I cried, "Baby, we die together. We die together!" However, in my head, I was already thinking of ways how to poison him.

When the movie ended, he said the lesson is that you can bend the rules to survive, because three actually managed to leave the island.

"But you would kill me," I pointed out.

He laughed again. "It was a joke!"

The whole movie reminded me of when I used to play Freefire many years ago, actually. With Layla, her then-boyfriend, and my then-sweetheart, Patch. Upon this recollection, I was prompted to unearth a journal entry I wrote on October 23rd, 2018. No sooner did I find myself reliving the good old days, back to when none of us realised we were living the simplicity of life, the light chaos of young romance, and the recklessness of youth.

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Tuesday, October 23

"Where It All Began"

Layla is finally meeting Rocco tomorrow. OMG. I’m so excited for her because Rocco is going to be her first real boyfriend, ever. All of her exes have only been online but now, WAAAH.

HAHAHA.

All because of Freefire.

Damn.
I swear that app is better than Tinder. LMAO.

(For those who don’t know, Freefire is a shooting game like PUBG and ROS. Her younger sister found her boyfriend there, too.)

Anyway, I can’t help feeling a little bit jealous.
And sad :(
Because that was where I met Patch, too.
We were my favourite squad.
All four of us.

It was funny because she and Patch met first and she had a little crush on him. Out of all the players she had played with, Patch was the most fun so she’d wait for him to go online so she could invite him to play with her.

I still remember the screenshots she sent as she talked about "this awesome guy" she met on Freefire. Usually, when she was teamed up with random players, her teammates would be all so competitive and serious and just focused on the game. But when she played with Patch, that was the very first time she actually had fun. Like, she didn’t care about the game at all. Whilst the rest were shooting each other on the other side of the map, the two of them were car racing. And Patch would always show off and drive backwards.

She sent screenshots of their characters being completely inappropriate and I remember I went all, "Jesus Christ, that’s so scandalous!" And then laughed my arse off. Even when they kept messing around, they still won cos the guy was a great player.

She was so hyped telling me about him, having no clue I was listening about the guy I’d fall in love with..

The moment she told me about Patch, I instantly wanted to play with him, too, because he seemed like a really cool dude.

Then a few days later, we were teamed up with Rocco along with some other guy. She was flirting with the other guy because, you should know, before our hearts were taken by these Freefire boys, we would flirt with just about anyone in the game. I even remember calling Rocco my husband.

So originally, it was Rocco and I, and Patch and her.

But I hadn’t met Patch yet.

One night, she had stayed up so late just talking with Rocco, and that was when their romance began. Then a few nights later, she invited me in a squad with...

No other than the guy himself.

Patch :")

I was a little bit excited having finally met him because he really seemed like an awesome dude from Layla’s description. This happened around the last week of January.

There was a small introduction and I brightly said, "So you’re Patch!" In reality, I said his username but I wouldn’t put that here.

Rocco was supposed to be there, but I forgot what happened. All I could remember was that Layla left us alone so she could get Rocco? Patch and I had only been talking for a bit when my older sister asked, "Who’s that?"

"My boyfriend," I told her.

"Again? You always say they’re your boyfriend."

"I swear. You wanna talk to him?"

I could hear Patch chuckling from the other end.

My little sister made a sound of disbelief and said, "Boyfriend your arse."

"Hey, babe. My sisters want to talk to you." Then I handed them the earphones.

And they really conversed. Whatever they talked about, I had no idea. And at that time, I didn’t care. I was just messing around.

And that was how we first met.

That was how my favourite squad was formed.

The moment the game started, Patch and I were already calling each other "babe" and saying "I love you" and whatnot. Yes, I started it. I couldn't have Layla and Rocco being the only partners who were sweet there. And as I had said, I used to flirt with just about anyone. Funny thing was the pairings had been switched. LMAO.

Layla and I were just noobs, so the boys were basically our heroes.
Patch was really good and he always had my back in every game we played.
Sometimes, Layla would get envious of me because, unlike Rocco, Patch was so protective.
Rocco was protective too, but to him, winning was more important.
And to Patch, my life was the MOST important.
Even if I sucked, he'd sacrifice his own life just to keep me alive, which wasn't very smart but really sweet of him.
He always hated it when I'd wander off too far.
And he'd always give me the best loots.
Sometimes, I wouldn't bother looting anymore because I knew he'd do it for me.
He'd settle for a Level 1 Helmet so long as I'd have a Level 3.
Sometimes, when I didn't have anything, he'd give me all he had.
"Come over here, baby girl," he'd tell me.
Which meant he had found higher-level equipment for me.
Sometimes, I'd take so long that he'd get impatient and say, "Baby girl, I said come here. Hurry up cos Rocco will get this! Hurry!"

HAHAHA.

Rocco would always steal the loots Patch was guarding for me.

Ugh..

I miss Freefire.

I know it's just a game, but having fallen in love there makes playing again so nostalgic. The isolated island was basically where we had our first date.

All four of us would dress up in uniform, or each pair would wear couple shirts. And then we'd have an "outing" by the beach and take photos. By that, I mean screenshots. We'd pose and shit and have a world of our own while the rest were already looting and shooting each other.

I still remember when we had our supposedly "double first date". We planned that the moment we landed, Layla and I would go to this big house and the boys would have to pick us up. They each rode a jeep and the fucking scumbags raced on getting there. Patch arrived first and the gentleman literally just drove the jeep inside the house ever so unceremoniously that I went all, "What the hell?! This is a date. Is this how you're gonna pick up your—"

Before I could even finish my rebuke, Rocco came bumping Patch's jeep behind. Layla and I didn't approve of this ghetto behaviour of them at all, but it was so fucking hilarious that we were laughing our arses off amidst our complaints. We made them take their jeeps out and place them properly outside.

"Okay, you can get in now," Patch said.

Pretending his vehicle had a door, I said, "Well… aren't you gonna open the door for me?"

"Oh. Oops. Sorry, mademoiselle." Then he got out and came to my side, pretending to be opening the door.

Man, those days… Eventually, I got better at the game so that I didn't need much of his help anymore. It made him long for the times when he'd do the looting for me, because now I was more independent and refused to take the equipment he'd give. To him, keeping me alive was the most important, but to me, when I finally mastered the game, his life was the most valuable one because he was the best player among the four of us.

Layla and Rocco became official on the 18th of March. I thought it was too soon, but then it was Layla. She always got boyfriends online so fast.

I only began to have feelings for Patch around the first week of March. Before that, I didn't like him at all. Sure, we flirted on Freefire but it was only there. I refused to have any connection with him outside that. I even refused to play with just him alone.

It was one of the reasons why I made another account, so when Layla wasn't playing and he was, I could still play without him thinking I was ignoring him.

I knew he liked me for real, even before he saw my face, and it was just weird and awkward on my part because he knew I didn't like him that way and we had nothing to talk about. Maybe he had, because he's a talkative person, but I knew he was just going to pursue me and bla bla bla, eek. No, just no. Haha. That was why whenever he wanted to talk to me, I'd always invite Layla along because I was more comfortable with her around. She was our mutual friend and her presence didn't make me worry about any awkwardness. Even though she'd fall asleep and her loud snores would play as background music in Patch's attempt at a sweet conversation, I'd still never leave the room to transfer to a quiet one. The good thing about it was that he didn't suggest such a thing at all. He knew he wasn't my type so we'd just end up laughing and making fun of Layla's snores.

And when he'd video call with her on Messenger, I'd only pop up once or twice behind Layla to say hi. I knew he was only calling to see me, and I really didn't want to talk to him outside Freefire. To me, our sweetness was just a "roleplay" in that world. We were only a "couple" in that universe.

Anyway, the first time I had talked to him for more than one minute with no one else around was when we were waiting for Layla and Rocco to go online. I asked him about dog food until we were talking about our dogs and other animals when I realised… it wasn't that bad being in the same room with him alone. I was still a little uncomfortable, but he was very charming and funny, so it wasn't awkward at all. We talked for about 15 to 20 minutes. And the following days after, those minutes turned to an hour, that turned to HOURS, that turned to staying up with him all night. We weren't even playing that much anymore; we just kept conversing. How in the world did that even happen?

I'd play duo with him now.
And he was so sweet, because whenever I had to leave my phone to do something quick, he'd take care of my character. He'd surround it with vehicles to hide and shield me from the opponents.
And he'd leave loots near me.

I was certain I was attached already.. I mean, we would sleep together on the phone using only Freefire's in-voice chat. And then he'd play music on his speakers so we could listen to the same songs. Sometimes, when I'd wake up and we'd still be in the room, I'd listen to his breathing and the sound of his movements ..

Then we stepped up and finally took it outside Freefire. I still didn't like him that way, but I was really used to him now.

Whenever he'd ask whether he had a chance with me, I'd always beat him to it and say "nooo" before he could even finish the question.

Then he'd reply, "You're so rude."

I'd just laugh. I just really enjoyed his company, that was all.

Even my little sister liked it when she'd play with him, because with him, it was almost always Chicken Dinner (it means you've won). Sometimes, we'd even play squad. Me, him, and my two sisters.

I made him install Instagram so we could text. And then I finally gave him my number so we could upgrade to Telegram and call. And then he made me install Duo so we could video chat.

Next thing I knew, I had written a song for him.

Fast forward, we met in person.
Hugged.
Kissed.

Slept together.

My empty "I love you's" weren't empty anymore.

Playing on squad with Layla and Rocco became even more fun, because now, Patch's and my feelings were finally mutual. That was why we had all those virtual "dates", "photoshoots", and "outings". LMAO.

Oh, I also remember one time when Layla was peeved at Rocco because he'd always wander too far and leave her alone. Patch, ever the good friend that he was, then came to her support, complaining the same thing about me. Reasons were explained from my and Rocco's side, disputes erupted, and just like that, a division was formed. Original partners were re-established. Tension between two groups.

Patch and Layla, the clingier partners, teamed up, whilst Rocco and I, the detached ones, were forced to stick together on the other side of the island. Suddenly, every interaction seemed performative, meant to make the other party jealous. I could hear Patch and Layla laughing and joking around, but I also knew they could genuinely be having fun, even if it was deliberate. They were friends first, after all. And Layla used to like him. Plus, they both had golden retriever energies. They would snicker at secret jokes only the two of them could understand. There was no denying that between them was a playful chemistry.

Between Rocco and I, however, was more of an unspoken tension. I was at ease with him when we first played together, yes, but that was because we were both strangers then. After a while, I got to know his personality and came to learn that he was a pretty serious guy and nowhere near as playful as Patch. To say I wasn't comfortable with him alone was an understatement. However, he still seemed to understand the assignment. But instead of feigning amusement to rival those of Patch and Layla's, he resorted to patience, calmness, and gallantry. Exactly right to where it would gut the other pair.

"Hey, Bliss. I've got a Level 3 Vest here, come," he'd softly say, and I'd obediently comply.

The guy who always stole the loots Patch had collected for me was now collecting them for me.. How the tables had turned!

"Wait, is that you they're shooting at? I'll be right there."

Then I'd utter my thanks for his quick assistance, compliment how good he was, and throw in some giggles into our less riotous conversation to make our dynamic more brutal to the listeners.

When the whole thing was over and I was on the phone with Patch that night, he expressed his utmost relief that the whole nonsense was done. The guy was gutted with jealousy, he confessed.

"But you seemed to be having a great time with Layla."

"Nooo, I didn't feel good the entire time. You and Rocco seemed so sweet."

That was endearing... and sort of funny. HAHAHA. How they intentionally paired up and separated from us, but ended up being affected by it the most.

I admit there were times when I took our relationship for granted, cos I knew... or was hoping.. it wouldn't be permanent.

Fast forward, he chose his high school sweetheart.
I was hurt.
Sad.
Heartbroken.
Only then did I realise how much I loved him.

The November escapade we planned for our squad has long been dead.
But wasn't that what I wanted?
I didn't wanna make it happen so bad that I had wished for Layla and Rocco's relationship to end before they could even have a chance to personally meet on that "trip".
Or that if it wouldn't...
I'd ruin mine and Patch's instead.

But who would've thought that Layla and Rocco would last this long?
When I was still hoping for the November escapade to be cancelled four months ago, I used to say, "A lot could happen in five months." Meaning, they could break up or something.

Fuck me. A lot did happen, alright.
And it blew right in my face.

The trip had already been cancelled.
But Layla bought Rocco a ticket specially for tomorrow, 'cos he'll be one of the groomsmen in her parents' church wedding this week.

She's finally meeting him.

OMG!!!

HAHAHA. Every time I think of it, I get so excited. Then I get sad after. Huhuhu. If Patch were still here, he'd be the most excited of all. He was the president of Layla's and Rocco's fan club, after all. LMAO. I could almost hear the playful squeal and giggle he used to make every time he'd tease them. And if he were here, we'd be able to have a picture together, all four of us. The complete squad in real life. All those plans we used to make would finally come true.

Layla had been inviting me to come over cos we hadn't seen each other in a long time, but I knew her room would only remind me of Patch, cos I'd played Freefire there so many times with him as my partner, or with them as a team.

If I hadn't thought of all those evil things, would things be different today?
If I hadn't taken Patch for granted, would he still be with me?
If I had told him yes when he asked whether he had a chance... would he have chosen me?

I knew I'd thought all those petty things towards Layla's relationship with Rocco, but I'm truly happy for her now. It makes me a little bit jealous, yeah, but I'm really...
And I mean REALLY.
Really excited for her.

Funny, cos she used to be the one who was always envious of me and Patch. Unlike Rocco, Patch would text me every day. He loved spending time with me. He always preferred playing with me, whereas Rocco would rather play solo.

Rocco was very serious and competitive.
Not all the time, but definitely a lot of times.
Whereas Patch, even when he was at work, he'd really find a way just to text me...
Layla envied that so much.
Cos Rocco could go on for four days not texting her.

But those were the better days of me and Patch. Our ship has sunk now, whereas Layla's and Rocco's remains afloat.

Ugh. I hope he wouldn't hurt her. She really loves him.

Sincerely,
Ecstatic For My Best Friend

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Back to the present.