Dear Diary, so sunday I visited this internationalist queer pride event in the big city near me. I mainly did this to maybe meet some likeminded people but I was also interested in the topic at hand. I'm not Lgbtq at all, I'm a cis hetero dude, but I am an ally for sure especially the trans topic is pretty important for our current political struggles I think. This internationalist pride event was held in explicit opposition to the local christopher street day, because it silenced a black speaker that wanted to address the genocide in Gaza. Ironically the motto of that CSD was "Never again silent". This is all part of Israels pinkwashing campaign that frames them as a progressive country while portraying the Palestinians as barbaric homophobes. They do this while killing countless queers with their bombs and their systematic starvation. So because this queer event seemed "based" as the zoomers like to say, I went there.
It was held in this really alternative looking cafe. Lots of graffiti, stickers and anarchist As everywhere. Well that is nice because on the spectrum of leftist politics I think I am closest to the Anarchist even if my lifestyle maybe doesnt reflect it that much. I am not much of a punk. So it was a tiny bit scary to walk in there, but as expected it was no big deal. I just sat down at one of the tables and quitly said hello to some of the people next to me. It was lunchbreak when I arrived and it smelled like curry. Most of the people looked way more alternative than I did. There were lots of banners on the wall with queer slogans and Free Palestine. They also had a poster with the schedule. On there I learned that they also have a hall in the back and thats where the first workshop I wanted to attend took place. So I went through some backrooms with tablesoccer machines and lots of graphiti ("Suck my dick Merz") until I found the hall. It was really big especially compared to the cramped cafe. It looked like they often did concerts and theaters performances, because there were some props hanging on the walls like an absolutely huge renaisance looking pictureframe decorated with angels. A car could drive through that thing.
That first workshop was about intimacy, or more precisely "deconstructing" intimacy. It sounded intersting, but to be honest I was a bit underwhelmed by it. The problem was probably that way more people attended than the workshop creator anticipated. She seems to make a podcast about sexual education and mostly wanted us to say words we associate with intimacy that came to our minds, and say good and bad things we learned about it and our sources for that. But it was kind of intimidating to talk in such a big circle. There were probably around 40 people there. For me especially it was awkward because I have never been physically intimate with anyone so I felt like I couldnt contribute much. Of course I didnt have to say anything and as someone else quickly pointed out intimacy can also just mean to be vulnerable to other people and to spend time together being your authentic self. So in a way we are being intimate right now huh 😳
I did say something once though it didnt seem to have much of a response with the other participants. I said that often it is the stereotypical roles we find ourserlves in that keep us from being intimate with eachother. My main thought was about gender roles and how as a guy for example you often feel like you cant talk about your feelings much or that you are too intimidating. But it could also mean stereotypical roles as parents and child or some other preconceived notion we have about ourselves.
I think I tend to try and intellectualize thing in these kind of situations but that was probably not what was actually called for. Most of the other people said more general stuff, like that porn can be a bad example for what intimacy is like. After the word association and the small discussion the workshop master or what you want to call her gave us a choice between writing a letter to ouselves or making a diagram of how much we see different aspects of what intimacy means in ourselves.
Personally I thought the diagram was way more interesting. That way you could look at what other people see themselves as and discuss. But for some reason the oberwhelming majority wanted to do the letter. It was just me and this one tramswoman who had been pretty active in the discussion who clearly favored the diagram. So we all wrote the letters to our younger selves and I thougt it was pretty pointless like expected. Everybody just kept the letters to themselves since it was a very private thing to do. Not a good group activity at all.
Well at the end the others gave feedback and I was quite astounded that everybody seemed to have loved it. Of course nobody would say something negative in this situation. However they really went put of their way to praise the workshop which indicates that they really meant it. So yeah I disagree. It was interesting to hear that I wasnt the only one who was intimidated by the topic though. I guess even if you had romantic partners this is a tough thing to talk about?
Everybody else talked about that they had cousins or siblings or friends or first partners that "taught" them about intimacy. I never had anything like that. It kind of confirms my suspicions that this is something you need to be taught about, but in my case nobody did.
Well anyway, the next lecture was from that transwoman who was very active in the previous discussion. She held a presentation about the specific dangers transwomen face compared to transmen. Apparently of all transpeople being killed transwomen make up 94% according to her statistic. And in her argument this refutes the that transpeople are just seen as a danger to patriarchal hegemony and the nuclear family in general. Because there are differences in how transwomen and transmen are treated. Transmen are often not taken seriously while transwomen are seen as dangerous but simultaneously are fetishized. I thought she delivered her presentation very well. She seems to be at my old university. I just dont know if transmen would maybe disagree on some points, it seemed a bit colored by opinion which is fine. Intersectionality is important of course.
So I already had to pee before the trans prrsentation but I couldnt find the toilet. Well I found one but it was only for Flinta which means Women (German: Frauen), Lesbians, Intersex, Nonbinary, Trans and Agender. Sadly I'm none of those and I couldnt find the other toilet. So after the trans presentation I found a good opportunity to ask someone because the intimacy girl was looking for the toilet too. Someone showed us, it was at the front of the cafe.
For some reason I stayed outside while the intimacy girl was inside. I dont know why I should have guessed that it was an allgender toilet. It just felt weird to enter the toilet at the same time as a woman I am not used to these kind of toilets yet. And to be fair she could have also used the Flinta one. The toilet was absolutely covered in stickers and graphity which was fun to read. It was all from farleft groups and messaging so very much up my alley. Oh they also had a stolen roadsign hanging at the cafe, which read Police. They are clearly very antiauthoritarian 😂
Next was too indian people talking about the trans and LGBTQ+ situation in India. They were a couple and the guy was a transman. He completely passed to me. He had a big beard, was bald and had a big belly in the way a lot of men do. The only thing I noticed were his small hands. Well they were very informative and the situation in India is pretty interesting and different than here. They have an ancient tradition of transwomen called Hijra which could basically claim certrain rights because of religious belief. But other types of queer people had it pretty tough. Because the Hindu Nationalist government only really recoginizes these Hijra they hold a lot of positions and this creates tension in the community. The government is basically playing the different groups against each other. Transrights have been legalized before the Nationalists came to power but the law is not followed much by the officials, they still dont recognize transpeople a lot of the time. So yeah pretty interesting. They also discussed the question if gay marriage is a plus or a minus for the community which is always an interesting discussion in leftist spaces.
Next there was a call with a Palestinian journalist from Berlin. He basically talked about how Israel uses Pinkwashing to justify their Apartheid, their occupation and now their Genocide. Pinkwashing basically means that they are framing themselves as more progressive than the Arabs because Israel supports gay rights and muslims do not. This isnt actually true though, Israel is a very dangerous country for gay people and they dont even have samesex marriage. Also even if the muslims were more homophobic this still doesnt justify slaugthering them. Its just racism. But by photographing their soldiers with rainbowflags Israel can project this clean image to its western supporters.
So this interview took place in the cafe for some reason which meant that it was very cramped. We were sitting very close and I constantly felt out of place when they trying to make space. I helped with carrying out the tables though. And when I finally sat down the only chair left was the one were the staff needed to get past to reach the tables to place the food. So I had to tuck in my knees a lot, since I am a tall guy you know.
This is when it happened. A new person came in and took the place next to me, since it was one of the only free ones. I looked who it was and it was this really cute black girl. And with black I mean really dark like bitter chocolate. She was wearing a baggy jeans, a black top, very big round glasses and a braided afro haircut that really reminds me of canary from hxh now that I think about it. She had immediately taken out her macbook and was typing and editing some kind of text on it. I was constantly glancing at it to not make it too obvious that I was trying to read it. It was talking about how migrants are treated here and racism so much I could tell. She seemed like this really cool activist.
Shortly after she arrived the talk started and she actually talked to me! She asked what the subject of the talk was. I was a bit startled that she just asked me so casually, I didnt really think she had payed much attention to me since she was so focused on her text. I stuttered and said "Palestina/Israel und ..... Pinkwashing glaube ich...." She just said "Ah mmhmm" in an agreeing tone and kept typing not continuing further. Maybe I should have said more but the talk had already started and I didnt want to disturb the interview. there was already this weird guy who kept talking loudly and I didnt want to be like him. Thankfully he left pretty soon. But yeah we were pretty close due to the cramped cafe and it felt pretty nice to just sit next to each other while she was busy with her text.
After the talk we all stood up. I briefly went outside to stretch and move around a bit after sitting still for a while. A lot of people were talking outside while smoking. Everybody seemed to have a group and seemed to know people except me. Canary was also talking with a friend that had arrived, a girl that was tan but probably from european decent. I went to get food and sat down for the next talk. They actually moved the chair so I couldnt sit at the same place to maybe sit next to Canary again. The food was really nice though. It was basmati rice with curry, falafel and some kind of crispy stuff I didnt know. It tasted pretty good though. I made a donation too to pay for it too. Later I also ate a bit of the cake that was also really good. All of that stuff was probably vegan if I had to guess it just seemed like the environment where they would look out for that.
The next talk was a panel about class concious queer organizing in the current rise of fascism. Canary did not sit next to me again, because she was actually one of the speakers on the panel. I was pretty surprised to say the least. Sadly I didnt catch her name even though she said it and the organisation she is a part of. No idea why but I just dont remember it. I was really impressed by her very calm demeanor though she seems like such a chill person to hang out with. But the real kicker was that she also revealed that she is a lesbian. So my dreams of being with her were only ever dreams and her sitting next to me had no ulterior motives for sure. Sigh that didnt last long. My impression of her seemed to have been accurate though, she is a cool activist indeed from what she said in the panel. She is also nonbinary and uses all pronouns, which is something I am used to. I am pretty sure Spike would say something similar. Only that she is bi I think. Why cant canary be bi too. Btw I kind of found this queer pride event because Spike follows it on Instagram so there was a chance she could have been there. She was not though.
This panel didnt actuall, take that long and after that there was a break while the musicians were preparing. Canary got some food and talked to her friend. I roamed around, ate cake and felt a bit lonely but overall I was still happy with the day. The musik started and the first act were some kurds who were singing very traditional songs. I was standing while most of the people sat down. Eventually I wanted to sit down after all. And the seat next to Canary and her friend was free. So I was brave and sat next to her again. We didnt talk. I didnt know what to say and the music was playing. We came across each other once in the corridor before the music but I also didnt know what to say. So we just clapped to the music together. I dont usually clap to music but the band encouraged us.
Then it was over and the DJ prepared for her act. In this time Canary must have left because I didnt see her again. I missed my chance but she was a lesbian anyway so it was a starnge feeling. I tend to gravitate towards one woman I see at a place and focus my attention on her I guess. And to be so directly told that it was hopeless was a first. Not even my dreams were legitimate this time. I felt like one of those guys people sometimes talk about online. One of the ones who thinks he can change a lesbian with just his hotness. Sigh I dont want to be that. But I can still dream of a different reality right? One where she was interested in at least being friends or sth and we could have hung out and maybe she would have had similar interests and it would have been really cool and we even could have talked politics. Because the whole "most women think men are too much on the right" is not true for me at all. Feels like I am clearly on the left of almost every woman I meet. Except for spike I guess who I am pretty sure is a communist.
Well I did some dancing. I didnt go crazy but at least while I was there nobody else did either. I line techno It can just be a little loud. They made it dark and put blue lights on too which was nice. It was getting late though and I had to take the train. So I disappeared into the night withput anybody really knowing who I was...
The next day I am pretty sure I found Canarys organization on Instagram. You cant see her clearly but I think its her in some of the videos of them doing protests. The same light blue baggy jeans, black and glasses. But her face is always obscured and her hair seems different. It could be someone else. Maybe from this page I can deduce another event she might show up at. I dont know why I am interested in that, she is a lesbian, but I guess it would be cool to at least talk to her. Probably a delusion knowing me.
Ok guys have a good one and I hope your lives are going well! 😊