I had a plate full of rice, noodles, corned beef, sunny-side up egg, mango, and a glass of Coke mixed with Rocky Road ice cream for dinner. I finished it all, yet it still wasn’t enough. So I poured another glass of Coke stuffed with ice cubes (I prefer my drinks brimming with ice), added another scoop of Rocky Road, and stirred until it looked like a chocolate drink. But my mouth was restless. It wanted to chew something, so I scoured the grocery bag and grabbed a snack of assorted nuts with green peas. The unhealthy saltiness made me crave for something naturally sweet, so I popped some grapes in to balance it.
And so here I am now. Six months pregnant. With a headache. Ugh, how can one be so full and still feel so hollow..
I just got my period yesterday, and I really wanted to cry in the shower tonight. I did, eventually—after making up fake scenarios in my head. I kinda miss the times when crying came so easy. All I had to do was play "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last, or "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron, and my eyes, dark and heavy, would instantly drip like I’d been holding back a dam brimming with excess water. Oh, how I cried so much during these times just a year ago today..
All thanks to Johannes.
I tried to summon that same pain tonight, listening to the same bleak songs that once listened to my constant despair like dear friends. I wouldn’t say it’s left me, and that I am at last free from the grief that for more than a year, oh so consumed me. It's still here, I feel it.. Etched deep inside my being, like the piercing sting of a fresh tattoo wrapped in the safety of yesterday, taking refuge beneath my bones. As if my own pain is hiding from me from being overused. Tired. Abused. Hardly does it now answer my calls. Nor have a hold of my chest and throat.
When I look at the scars, I remember everything.. But the pain no longer feels visceral. It's like a ghost now, of a stubborn tormentor, haunting from time to time. And tonight, I let it. I let it haunt me. Welcoming it with open arms, inviting it in.. But the tears refused to flow. So I had to invent the pain.
I probably weigh no more than 40kg, yet I feel so fat.. I really should start exercising.