I'm tired of pretending. I act happy.... but it's not true. My life is horrible... every time something good happened in my life... it was crashed. My life? horrible. My school life? horrible. Making friends? horrible. Finding the right guy? horrible. it's impossible for any guy to like me I'm ugly, have pimples, my smile is too big, my nose is too big, my eyes look horrible, I'm too tall, and my grades are horrible. There is nothing good about my life. especially going to school and putting on a fake smile. the only ones who know about my life are my best friend Tiffany, my friend Evelyn, and my friend Brayden. maybe there is only 2 things good in my life. I have 3 people who i can trust. and i have my brother. i have never told him about all these problems. I can be cruel and ruin his happiness too... even though mine is already ruined. I do like i guy... his name is justin. We have been best friends since birth. And well... i think he likes me too. He always has an excuse to bring me something like flowers, chocolate, candy... stuff like that. he is really sweet... he is the perfect type of boy. I'm in 6th grade. Tough. Bullys, constant hate, criticism. i can't get used to it. but school ends in 10 days! that is a little hope... right? anyway. the reason my life stinks is because... My dad drinks, my parents are fighting, my brother... is the worst one... he has a mental illness... he gets aggressive for no reason! it's heart breaking... i had been searching it up... he has intermittent explosive disorder. it involves repeated, sudden bouts of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts. The reactions are too extreme for the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums. It's hard seeing him deal with this... he is only seven years old! why does God allow this? and why won't he fix it? Does he even care? Can he see it?
I'm tired of thinking god will do anything. I have believed in him for years. he never did anything. He is a liar. I believed in him for so many stupid years! and for what? to keep getting heartbroken? NO! I'm done! i don't think i believe in him anymore. Maybe he isn't even real! i wont sin. but i won't be like i was before. I used to give it my all! i would worship. and for so long i believed. He never helped. I will continue going to church. but i won't actually believe what I'm saying. I tried for so many years! to believe! to worship! I can't believe i was so stupid. to believe he actually cared. If that's how my life will be. i will get pay back. I never had an intention to date anyone. but i will start dating. if someone ever ask that question about dating... if i like them i will say yes. I never wanted to date. but if this will change God... then i will do it. if that doesn't work. i will... kill me. i don't want to. but this world is better off without me. nobody ever cared about me. i was living a lie. and im done with that lie. if my life doesn't get better i will kill myself. because I'm done trying. nobody! NOBODY IN THIS WORLD EVER CARED ABOUT ME! i want to die... i dont want to live anymore. i am done suffering! its ringing in my head! my mind keeps saying "kill yourself" "no one wants you". AND IM DONE SUFFERING! I know that if i die... no one will even notice... i want to die. i dont want to live. if death solves everything. then i will do that. i will give it 3 more months. If it doesn't get better... i will do it. I just can't with all this pain. At least i will see my grandpa. I just hate myself. im ugly... and anyone can say im not... i accept any mean thing said to me. but... it does hurt. but if i act like im ok... no one finds out. the only one who will care if i die is my best friend. but other than that, i dont care about my life anymore! I HOPE I DO DIE!!! BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTINUE WITH MY LIFE SUFFERING EVERY DAY!!! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE BETTER! I WILL SEE MT GRANDPA! HE ACTUALLY CARED! and i dont think my life will get better... i guess i will see... but i will probably kill myself.