THIS IS LONG... SORRY
Dear Diary,
I’ve been married 26 yrs, together going on 29. We’ve known each other since 7th grade. I’ve made mistakes in our marriage and I’ve owned up to them and we were doing good for a while until 2019 when we had things happen not of our doing. When I get depressed and try to handle it on my own I usually lock people out and don’t let them know I’m struggling because at a young age I had to learn that because my mother was never around and when she was it was only for my siblings I did everything and was a substitute mother for my siblings starting at the age of 8 Well back to 2019 we had things we were dealing with not of our doing. Then my dad passed in a freak accident but previous to that in June a message popped up on my husband’s phone from a female I got mad told him something stopped block the person only to the day of the after putting my dad in the ground. I figured out his password to the social media sites he was using I only did this because my gut was telling me he hadn’t stopped. And I was right he hadn’t. He was sending money, gift cards, cash cards I got mad stay quiet for some time only because I’m not the type to be cold hearted and say things I would be able to take back. We worked through that second time of his cheating. About a year later he had tried to do it again but I found out before he had any chance I know I’m stupid for staying with him I told him the last time if I got hurt by him again I would leave and go somewhere he wouldn’t know where I was and neither would my family. as far as I know he hasn't anymore but he is still on the sites he was using, i have access to them i see chats but not him responding to them, this happen a while ago but at times feels so fresh in my mind. i had never hurt so much then when i found out in 2019. i told him that i wanted to so badly end it all and that pain i felt from both losing my dad and him cheating. i told him i never want to feel that pain of him cheating again.
WELL, here it is 2025, we just bought a house Sept.2024, our first ever really big purchase,our first time being homeowners. this is scary. it doesn't feel like a home to me, doesn't feel like my home. any time we talk about what we are going to do to the house i always say its his house.
well here resently ive started to feel like after 26 yrs. of marriage its probably time to call it quits, cause since weve gotten into the house i feel like we are just roommates, like im a maid to an adult kid who doesnt do anything,ok she does work 2 days a week sometimes more, she doesnt drive and refuses to learn she doesnt want to,she is in college online. Husband and i are at odds when i comes to her but honestly that is neither here or there. i know she doesnt want me here she has said and has told him that, so i feel it daily and that is starting to get to me. ive even told him ill leave and make her happy. that is another reason im thinking it time to call it quits, im happy when it just he and i but when its he and i plus one im not. i constantly feel alone, ignored or unwanted. how is someone suppose to stay in a marriage and feel that constantly.
so now i guess when i get a job i save and leave, and find my happiness and fine myself that i never really knew before settling down and getting pregnant. i graduated high school in 96 and started seeing my now husband the day after, moved in together late 1997 to being of 1998 and have been together since.
i dont know me