Dear future tushar, i am a little confused these days about the curriculum we are made to follow while doing any particular activity, just like me preparing for IIT JEE, though i have promised all my collegues and family that i ll be preparing for IIT but its just that some days i feel so excited and even on that days i am not able to make out something worthful and when i am not excited the days just slipss away from my hand and just left with guilt of not enjoying it also. I literally dont know what would i do in future but for now i really dont want to care, I whenever am not studying will be doing programming and those kunal kushwaha courses are making me really curious too, recently i watched snoden and got so much insight about what is actually happening in the world and i think i had that sort of idea from the beginning, ( whooooo i was right) not in the technological way but i was always thinking if this internet web is so deep and then there are so many skilled hackers and there are so many people now who know about dark web wouldnt they be spying on us and every unemployed guy can be a target for these people to make their tasks and spying done on common people.

I also am not able to express myslef or just openly talk about these things to anyone, I have one friend who has a certain amount of knowledge but its just that whenever i tried telling him he just knows so little, even i also know just the tip of the iceberg but the thing is i want to know it more deep and its not just a curiosity i just get pulled away whenever i see these things happening.

I need no ones approval that i am little more curious and knowledgable then most of the people around me and I want people like me, i am good in computers and almost can understand hacking without even knowing it enough( maybe i am just in my bragging mood) or maybe i am just justifying my bad human relationships.

One decision which i think i will stick to is doing programming everyday, starting my exercising and meditation routine again, focussing on my studies a little hard and resucing my dopamine consumption to almost zero well icannot get it to zero as i am not a zen monk but i ll try my best.

i am looking for the best form of meditation which suits me, i dont want a law of attraction type coz i now just not interested in them, i want something joyful as sadhguru said when you are in your most happy state you can access your fullest potential.

final words, i am not going to aim for the big IITs now, i now know that even if i study well and am consistent at solving my dpps, i can get a computer science branch in any of the good NITs and yeah i am okay with that as soon as it is an nit and fees is less and computer science.

i love computers and exploring them and therefore i am gonna do that more and maybe after becoming at a good stage at programming and networking i will resume my hacking self teaching.

for now bye.

RavenWolf45's Dear Diary