When I was in 6th grade, I almost bought condoms thinking they were candy.
It all started with a TV commercial. One of the country's most iconic action stars was the face of it.
In the ad, he radiated energy—punching through walls, charging forward with wild intensity—and then he'd hold up a little sachet to the camera, promoting its different flavours with unmatched masculine enthusiasm and vigour. Naturally, his stamina with which he endorsed it, and those bright, colourful wrappers, made me think it was some sort of energiser candy.
So one time, after having our lunch, my classmates and I took our usual trip to the mini-mart near the gas station outside our school. These colourful "candies" had always caught my attention, but it wasn't until then that I thought of finally satiating this curiosity of mine, so I turned to my best friend and asked: "Hey, are these delicious?"
But she was talking to another classmate of ours and didn't hear me. Fully capable of affording novelty sweets with my allowance, I grabbed a whole strip of the orange ones and placed them on the counter. The cashier looked at me wide-eyed and was glancing between my face and the items, her expression full of comical, astonishing disbelief. I thought she was being playful, like how grown-ups would randomly tease kids, so I just waited for her to do her job. That was when my guy classmate appeared behind me and, in a hushed tone, suddenly exclaimed: "What the hell? Put these back." Simultaneously, he snatched the entire strip and returned it to its shelf. I was left standing there utterly confused. What's wrong with those candies?
On the way back to school, I finally asked them what it was all about.
"You don't know?" They looked at me incredulous, and I just stared at them completely naive, shaking my head no.
Then one of them told me what it was, almost in a whisper and very cautiously, as if sharing forbidden knowledge. "They're condoms."
My mouth dropped open as though in stark realisation. "Oh," escaped my lips, but really, in my head, I still had no fudging clue what condoms were.. 🙃 But I just pretended I did because no way in hell was I about to let them think I was any more stupid than they already did.
How did they even know this stuff and I didn't?
Another instance, at the same mini-mart, I pointed to a small pack of contraceptive pills on the shelf behind the counter and asked aloud: "What's that?"
My bestfriend immediately shushed and nudged me before darting her eyes around like I'd just yelled a curse word in church, instead of educating me about it. Again, how did she know these things and I didn't???
I always knew what sex was, but these other extra stuff were absolutely foreign to me.
Imagine if I did successfully buy those condoms though.. I'd definitely be so disappointed to find they're just a bunch of balloons. And if I had brought them home and shared them with my little sister, my god...