A lot of times I thought about how lonely I am in terms of a romantic relationship due to the pressure of studies and strict parents. I used to lie to myself thinking I don't really need a man in my life, but just seeing happy couples piss me off because I can't have that just yet and I don't know if I would ever have that in the future. It gets to a point where I start to be so delusional about it. And I have mixed feelings about myself because I'm self aware that I'm not that beautiful or good looking as other girls. And sometimes feel like guys would not actually want me in the future since things now changed. Personality isn't really a thing anymore, it's all about looks. But even then it still makes me anticipated to finally have a romantic relationship with someone in the future. But then I don't know how to even find a boyfriend or ask anyone out. I can't even make friends myself. My friends ask me to be friends and not the other way around, I waited until they ask, thats how pathetic I am.
But even so I've been so anticipated to the point where it gets to frustration to finally find the love of my life and feel the touch of a man for the first time. I've always dreamed on having that since I've realized just how lonely I am.
I want to go out on a date with him, I want him to hold me, Ask him to marry me, I want to finally experience sex, And I just wanted to be loved. But I don't know if I could even be anyone's type of girl. And what if I end up in a bad relationship? I've already experienced that indirectly with my parents when my dad cheated on my mom with another woman who had the same exact name as me. Makes me think that in reality relationships don't really work out. I'm scared that will happen to me in the future but at the same time I'm desperate to feel the touch of a man.