It has been years since I've actively written a diary on a piece of paper. A lot have happened recently since. Last time I wrote in a diary was in 2023 when I first arrived in Indonesia. And there is a lot to catch up now. A lot of things have been interesting for me and a lot of pressure I’m feeling lately. From family and school and myself.
This was not what happened at this date. I'm writing this cause I forgot what exact date this was, but I'm going back to the last semester of 10th grade where I had LEAD WEEK trip. That’s when everything started to turn from me.
For background, I had a trip to Thailand for lead week and I was there with my friends. I was excited for it and I thought this will give me the opportunity to hang out with my “Friends” Allison, Stella and Zee. Zee wasn’t really my friend, she's mostly just mutual friends with Allison so she’s just there but I'm fine with her not really because I don’t know her personally so I had to keep my guards out.
Basically in my trip its the four of us and the others there was more like the popular people there and it kinda makes me a little uncomfortable. The trip started off okay and I was assigned room with Stella basically. So at that time I was very childish and I was stupid enough to be saying dumb stuff to my friends. I made a dirty joke to Stella about showering together or something. I thought she was finding it funny. But not until like 3 days through the trip a lot of people there were avoiding me. I could also see some signs. Because Stella would mostly hang out in the other room where Allison and zee were staying. And that caused me to be depressed at that time because I felt as if all the people there on the trip were neglecting me on purpose and I knew that I was weird and I thought maybe that’s why or I’m not as pretty as those who picked me there. I think that’s one of the reasons too and I still do. It was not until when we have to go to this one island and we had to share room in a group with a more people and not just in pairs. And I had to be grouped with these popular girls and I hate it. And when I was there, they would often leave the room and hang out somewhere else. At that time I don’t know why, until it gets to a point where at night when we were supposed to be sleeping, they were not here. And they sleep somewhere else. That’s when I realize they prolly don’t like me. That's why they have been leaving me out. I cried that night and I was calling my online fried for hours before I fall asleep. The fact that there was a teacher that had to sleep outside to look out for me. The next day I woke up, A few of the teachers that were looking out for us for the trip was waiting outside for me. And the I was so scared because it was so sudden and so early in the morning. And then they even had a call from one of their phone with Mr Burke, The discipline teacher. I fucking hate his ass so much. He told me through that call that I needed to get sent back home because I was "harassing" Stella by saying jokes like I'm gonna shower with you or I'm gonna touch you, basically freaky jokes WHICH CLEARLY ISN'T MEANT TO TAKE SERIOUSLY!! Which she prolly also know that I was not being serious. And I think she purposely told this to everyone including the girls that was suppose to share rooms with me. And that is why they left me out and I had to be alone most of the time in the trip. I think she was waiting for this opportunity to ruin our friendship in an indirect way. That she want to tell me that she actually doesn't like me. If you wanna say that just tell me directly on my face and I will stop embarrassing me IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE POPULAR GIRLS! What's worse is I had to come home and have a long talk with my parents and the embarrassing thing is prolly them questioning me on how I know all these inappropriate stuff. Of course I cant say it or else they will cut off all my online account or won't let me use my phone! So I told them that I was only saying that because I wanted attention from my friends which was true! My only intention was to make a silly joke it may be too much too say but there are other people in my school that did worse! For example the vape and stuff! The kissed in public, And worse of all there is this one time where a group of boys in my social studies who formed their group by comparing each others fucking DICK! LIKE LITERALLY. That's WORST THAN WHAT I DID. HOW DO THEY NOT GET SUSPENDED!! And then after the school week start again, The worst to come, I was suspended and I had to spend my whole day at school in MR BURKE OFFICE. And He would be sitting there in his office and I am forced to do work the whole entire time until 3 o'clock. At least after some time, I was not alone there and there was two seniors or whatever with me who prolly got suspended to. It was not it! And I fucking hate everyone in this fucking school especially those BOPS that think they're all that and think all the guys are drooling over them, which they prolly do cause they are all stupid as fuck.