Dear Diary, Tell me how to stop from getting pain because of having a crush!!
I felt myself so creepy but I need to let go of this feeling which is getting stronger, I heard from some online research that the more we try to suppress our feeling it grows stronger, may turn into a disaster.
Can a girl have crush over more one person, yes I do. Does it change? For me never, whom ever I got crush I still had crush over them but the effect is different than before. Our presence around each other makes this feeling more attached. Which is sometimes painful for not able to be a part of their life, other times we felt happy to enjoy the present moment like the moment to see them from far without being judged, the moment to live together, sometimes we felt way too shy around them in fear of if making mistake that might make them not like us. Enough is enough but I can't control this feeling, as I am introvert and shy and anxious mostly.
Talking about the present moment, I am an undergraduate student doing my engineering somewhere far away from my home, my friends (I hardly make friends) in hope of in dream of building my career better but not able to do as per assumed.
There are many new stuff I tried here all alone because of boredom and stress which effect my studies badly. After lockdown, I get drastic changes in my habits- a bad habit (laziness and kdrama).
Sorry, I always go out of the topic. Let's get back to the topic I want to share.
About new stuff I tried, main one is about connecting with stranger online through other not famous social media that was actually for some other stuff like for learning. I start interacting with lots of people there, I realize it wasn't that hard to get socialize, it's mostly about our environment, mindset, restrictions and extra. There we as a human mostly get attracted towards the opposite gender, I also get lot of attention from the boys there. So, one of the common question from them was -
What do you observe in a boys at first impression?
My answer is honestly speaking I don't look at boys unless and until I have to see if they are performing on stage or if we have to talk. So, about the observation what I see is there sense of styling (dressing sense as I can't see the face from far), otherwise their face, if they are talking then I observe how they talk, what they talk about.
Here, I am interested to answer the question-
What are the things in boys that made you get a huge crush over him?
I will answer as per my recent crush over a guy in my college from my first impression over him to until now if I could finish in this paragraph until I have to join classes tomorrow morning.
I got a huge crush over him because-
He texted me, if I am all doing fine, adjusted in the new environment there?
My heart flew away right after hearing those beautiful words from him, it show how humble he is, how caring he is, how confident he is about connecting with a person. I don't have this talent that's why I got a huge interest in him, it makes me feel so happy, felt like if my own friend is asking me. I really felt very happy at that moment. It wasn't about physical looks or anything else at all. We were connected through a social media maybe because of myself, I happen to look into his profile unknowingly as I was new in the college and I was trying to find out how the people are like. I was actually hoping for finding a same interest female friend. But I felt happy for getting connected over social media. There I get little more interested after finding out he is doing pretty good in academics. I felt little low for not being at his level but I felt WOW for him. So, we share some conversation to some limited time. I felt happy. And then I get to know we are from the same class which I didn't expected. So, I felt little hesitant thinking about he may judge me with my marks, and how dull I am in the class, all afraid with a scared crow face that may cry anytime like a baby. He even told me where he seat in the class. So, the next day I try to look at him.
There was a another two guys whom I thought it's either one of them. But to my surprise after 2 more days, I finally get a glance over him. Oh my god, he is so cute. I didn't expect there is a handsome boy in our college too that too in my own class that too I have only chatted with from all other boys. He is too good looking but he looks younger than me. I guess at least he is 2 to 3 years younger than me and at most 1 year younger or maybe of same age but rare to be older than my age. I get the smell of curse in my life once again after finding he looks way younger than me and good looking, good in academics, and maybe in career too in future. That time, I wasn't disappointed as how I am now. That time, right after founding him little bit younger than me, I decided not to think about getting crush over him. I decided to be a good friend or good classmates if possible. I thought after talking online it may not be difficult to talk in person too. But I was wrong or maybe we didn't get a good time, we never talk in person. So, it felt strange to do conversation online when we are seeing each other in class too, it makes the situation more awkward to face each other even from a far distance. That time I only get a light glance of his side face, and backside.
One year almost about to be ended, one day I happen to look at him when he was entering the classroom with other bunch of classmates, my eye couldn't stop glaring at his face, his face looks so innocent. In group message, he seems to be quite arrogant or egoistic. After sawing his face, I got a doubt about why he took even a tiny drop of interest in me. It's nothing for him, but for me it was stronger than a thunderstorm for my emotions, feelings. Maybe like most of the people he feel pity for me as I get into many embarrassing moment in college, being scolded in college that too when you are innocent.
I am thinking too much about little stuff with him. Get lost this feelings, bye need to complete the assignments now.
I wrote few words that made me get crush over him until now which later let me create an account here and share this long diary.
I fall for his
attractive looks- clean face, fair skin.
attractive qualities- intelligence, knowledge, confident, self-beliefs,
likable long term- kind hearted, caring, helping nature, friendly nature, non-judgmental.
My heartbeat get faster when I saw him, when I think about him. Because I don't want to like him secretly and I know one other thing too that he has crush over someone else too.
I have stopped myself from connecting with him again, I hope it works fine.
I need to focus on my studies and my career _!!_