Dear Diary,
I am having a bit of a panic attack right now and its for a really stupid reason. Don't know why but I have always been someone who needs to hold onto things and is change aversive. Maybe I am autistic after all who knows. I have a really hard time making decicions to change something in my life. One time my mom conviced me to to change the arrangement of my room and it immediately felt so wrong. Sleeping that night at a different position was enough to make me feel like the world had turned into a much darker scarier place.
This feeling of dread extends to a lot if other aspects too. The current situation is because I ordered a new phone. I have been using my old phone, a Samsung S8 for 6 years now and the battery sucks, it barely charges anymore. So I have to buy a new one, but phones are really different now and I dont want to make a mistake... After much deliberation I ordered a used Oneplus 12 in the green color. Its still kind of expensive but after waiting so long I wanted tp get something good. I dont like the boxy flat Iphone design so many phones have now, so my options are a bit limited. When I ordered this one I felt quite good about it, but now the usual panic has settled in. Every time I make a decision like this I get extremely anxious.
I obsess over if this is actually what I want and if it actually fits to me. I watch countless reviews and comparisons. Is this phone too big? It is big but small phones are hard to come by these days. Wont I get sick of the green color? Honestly I thought it might be a conversation starter and it looks more unique than just black. Then there are the technical aspects. I found a comparison between this phone and a very similar one Magic 6 Pro and apparently the Magic has much better PWM frequency for eye strain. And then I looked at the camera comparison and I liked the photos and selfies from the Magic more. They look closee to the subject and more saturated. I am not even someone who takes a lot of pictures but all of a sudden this is so scary to me. That I have made the wrong decision. Buyers remorse is always so heavy for me. The whole world feels wrong I just want things to stay the same and I want to feel safe
I can just return the phone since I bought it from a refurbishing firm. But that would make me feel bad too. Like I have wronged these people somehow. I guess I will try it and if I dont like it I will send it back. But then what I still need a new one 😓 Maybe I should get something cheap so I can minimize the remorse. Idk
Why am I like this? In every aspect of my life I am just so indicisive. I like to just be left alone and be me and not bend to the will of the world. But there are some things that I do want like a girlfriend and it feels like I have to change so much to ever be able to fit the requirements for that. I wish it was all simpler.
I'm sorry that I didnt write something more interesting today, but the main function of a diary is venting after all. I feel like I have nobody similar to myself to talk to, my wavelength is just totally different from anybody else. And that feels so lonely. All my thoughts about the girlfriend thing are probably partly influenced by that too. The idea of being with someone who gets it. Mixed with some sexuality stuff of course.
Oh yeah in other news. I googled Ps name again and I found out that she actually has a dance performance in the big town near me in May. She is doing it with one other person and it even seems to be free. I dont know if I should go there though. The place where seems rather small and there probably wont be a big audience I would guess. I wouldnt be able to hide in the crowd and she would probably see me. Unless I get one of those big glasses with mustache or a rubber mask or something. In any case I would look like a stalker, I can hardly chalk up my attendance to coincidence. So I probably wont go. Its such an interesting opportunity though. I really wondee what kind of performance they are doing.
There is also a Shoujo manga tutorial happening at my old university. Attending these tutorials never lended much in terms of social contacts in the past though. The only reasons I got closer to Spike was because I deliberately went to the same japanese course as her. If I wanted to go to the Shoujo thing I would have to shuffle around my work schedule too hmm.
Thinking about it I have actually met quite a lot of interesting women in these efforts of mine. Right now I had to think about the east german girl from the theater group I went to before the pandemic. She was really cool, a bit youngee than me but a real tomboy. She often described herself as Pippi Longstocking and that is really what she was like. Loud and bold, full of emotion always making crude jokes. I guess she had that kind of charisma women usually like in certain types of more "bad boy" men. Not that she wasnt smart or sophisticated, she wrote poems, but she did not follow the logic of how society tells you women should be attractive to men. Which shows how bullshit it is.
I still remember how she was thought to be a guy when she was found out driving the train without her ticket, because she forgot it. She really hated the cops. One time I found hee tinder profile and she just blatantly told people that she likes sex. And when we did theatre she was always so loud and dramatic. She smoked lots of weed too.
Sigh too cool for me though. What would I give to be stranded on a lonely island with a girl like that, where she slowly falls in love with me. Such are the pathetically controlling thoughts that make for great fantasies all the more. Of course I would prefer her to just like me naturally. But I am the guy who feels super uncomfortable because of a phone he can even return.
Damn I havent seen that Pippi girl for 5 years now, wonder how she is doing.
Hope you guys are doing well! Big hugs