It's been a long time! She's back like a flower. This bitch rewrote an e-mail but sent it to my best friend without meaning to, and yet she should have seen that I'd blocked it.
She wrote that she wanted to clear up a few things because she was fed up with my “childish behavior”. She says she doesn't understand my reactions, she's taking the piss out of me? on top of that, she belittled me for, I repeat, “my mental problems”? she says it's all my fault, that I let our relationship sink (like my grades, ouh). Is she dumb or is she doing it on purpose to make me react?
She's very contradictory in her message. She says I'm a thoughtful person, who put others before herself, and when I talked to her face to face she called me selfish. I don't even know what to believe coming out of her mouth anymore, everything has always been lies and deceit with her. She says she loves me, I don't even believe it anymore. She didn't love me, she loved what I brought her, and I understood that far too late.
She still hasn't understood that I couldn't communicate face to face, that I find it easier in writing. She told me to my face that I'd never told her what was wrong until I snapped. True, but not really my fault. This mixture of depression, tdah, the borderline disorder and so on is blocking me. Of course I didn't say anything, I didn't want her to leave me because I've never loved anyone so much in my life, not even myself. But she still hasn't understood that after 2 years. I'm apparently a coward and irresponsible.
I'd rather stay silent than throw it all away. I kept silent even after we split up so as not to hurt her, which led to more self-mutilation and a suicide attempt. I make people around me suffer. With this attempt and the trip to the psychiatric hospital, I worried a lot of friends. They arrived just in time. A few minutes and I was done with all that, I was free. But it wasn't over. So even after that I kept quiet and denied it, which she also returned. She thinks I've moved on so I've been having nightmares again. The other time, I saw her on the street and had a panic attack, luckily Riff, my service dog, was there.
She made me believe that after we broke up, she stopped eating, got depressed and started hurting herself. I know she's lying to make me feel guilty. She was in great shape with these friends, these other guys she was fucking... She even gained weight, and had no injuries. She was either making remarks about my arms and those scars or denying it. She still didn't give a shit about any of it. She didn't care that I was in pain. No, she didn't have any dark ideas, she told me to stop complaining when I told her I wanted to jump headfirst out of the window. When I showed her signs that I was going to do it, she said I was exaggerating. No, she doesn't care. No, she doesn't love me.
I told her she was screwing up my life and she replied that she had nothing to do with it, that I was doing fine on my own. And maybe she's right. Everything that's going on in my head...
I just wish those voices would shut up, but there's nothing I can do about it.