Dear Diary,
It hurts... it's hurts me so much... I have turned so unproductive, restless...I feel so claustrophobic during evening everyday.
I want to cry, I cry sometimes, I supress my emotions, all I want to live alone at this time but that's not happening at all...
I don't feel like working, I don't feel like doing anything, all I want to lie down and sleep...
Getting asleep is also difficult for me, I am dependable on Melatonin gummies for sleep, yesterday I thought I might fall asleep without it but I wasn't so I had one, then also I failed to fall asleep, I had another one...but still it took me a lot of time to sleep and it wasn't any sound sleep at all yesterday, I kept waking up with one thing or another, then in morning, I called him and slept over call for I guess 2-3 hrs...
Dear diary, I see people around me, who were so much in love for a long time maybe a span 5-6-7 years and whole world knew about them but not they are seperated...I don't know how they are doing in life...photos on social media doesn't define that they are fine ...I see them and I don't know their stories so I can't say anything but I must have been difficult for them too right...
Day after tomorrow, I will be there in another city... going to see a new guy for the alliance...the first conversation I had with this guy was on 30th Jan as I was quite angry with SS for what he said on 29th Jan... and it was a reaction to that but never knew that one open hearted conversation with this guy will led to meeting him for the alliance...
I didn't get the time to move on, one and half month is not enough for something which has all my heart from last 6 months, it's not also about the time but also about how deeply I was involved...I also didn't try once in this duration to move on...I made my world revolve around him...Idk what was in him... that I got so much engrossed in this.
I still remember the day I saw him at the airport for the first time I had a second thought, I had a second thought even at my home also once that day... from that day to today, everything changed... it's so difficult for me to leave him...he loved me the way I wanted, the way I always desired... putting so much efforts, care, being so understanding person, always being there for me and what not...I don't know how he is feeling, what's his emotional well-being...
I thought that I can spend my life with this person...maybe he is the one I was looking for...I felt like sharing all my desires with him...like from diamond ring I always wanted as engagement ring, to the little things kind of love story, the wedding photographers I wanted to have since 2020, the song for my special person which I saved from the time I watched the last episode of the little things till that date, to my physical desires, my fear regarding that and just everything.... I wanted to have everything with him... and I made a bucket list to fulfill it with him... I was always so cold feet regarding marriage and all...there was a time period when I didn't want to get married at all then and life gave me this person to change my mindset and desires...I imagined a future with him...I am not a kind of person who easily gets attached or detached...
Here, I am going to meet another guy...my family didn't give me enough time to get over my feelings...I showed all the courage, efforts, expressed my family about how I feel for him but they tried at their end but things can't be mended from one side only.
I always said him that in our wedding video, I will say for sure that if he hadn't made effort any day this relationship wasn't going anywhere and I felt till time he made effort... when he didn't I got to know that also... something changed in December...we were mostly fighting over any random things... coz I felt a change in his behaviour...in January he was on a verge of not saving anything...just letting things go...
How can I forget him easily, there are so many things around me to make me remember him...the soft toy 🐘, the notebook I use, the Giva bracelet I wanted, the flower pot, the bangles, the mascaras, the greeting card, those dried roses, the saree I ordered to his place, the melatonin gummies, souled store tshirts, trello, my Gucci perfume as he liked the fragrance so much, the massager, I don't know why when that day, I found that c**d*** in my drawer, I kept it instead of throwing it... so that maybe we will use next time....there is no next time and there are so many things to remind me of him...the cake he sent on my parents anniversary, those pictures, everything...the memories and stories I have in my mind... even that coconut driller, the tshirt tag... everything...my order history on Zomato and Blinkit... from Flo app to sending chocolates, I had that amazing feeling when I installed that partner flo app in his phone in Nov... :)...it was little intimate situation for me...him sharing his playlist in initial days... ordering me foods at odd hours... sharing his Spotify
I wish I could upload pictures here so that someday when I have to I could delete them from my phone still having it here...maybe I will email myself...
My parents didn't give me enough time to get over things, they can't understand what I am feeling...they are hurrying that is there need, I guess it's the only important thing right now in their lives... getting me married...any the guy I am going to meet...his family is also on the same page...all they will do is rush to things.
I have gained a lot of weight in 2023 - 2024 April May...so that I could avoid marriage... people can reject me for that...
But in 2024 june I decided to loose weight... I stared from July...but again I am trying to eat all those things from January...as I was upset...the one place where I didn't want to get problems due to me being obese...this obesity arised problems there only...
I hardly had any cold drinks in last 2 years but I have started consuming it frequently...today after ages I had maggi...carbs only helps in uplifting your mood.
I have to say yes or no that guy the same day I meet him...I hope they reject me...but I don't know if there are gonna do this or not... that guy called me and said his family is quite eager to meet me and blah blah blah and he asked how am I feeling...I had tears in my eyes but couldn't say anything...
I think of getting married by saying yes so that I can get rid of this thing, this pressure...and if this person is only meant for me... things will work out if not things will get finished by some or other reason...
Sometimes I think that I will draw a boundary from my family after getting married... it will be my way of saying that see you wanted me to get married and now I am really far away from you all...but then I look at my parents...I think that yes I should get married... it will bring some peace in their lives too... mummy keep falling sick...as she got ill today achanak se...atleast my marriage will bring a little happiness to everyone...
I always wanted to have my own house and earn good money so that I can have a security, if I am ever unhappy in marriage I won't return to my parents, I will have my own house and go there and live...
But I am struggling in everything, nothing is sorted in my life, not any aspect...I don't know when was the last time I was genuinely happy and smiled with all my heart...
I have also thought to not drink with anyone else soon... until I have a proper strong mindset of not having anyone in my mind...
2 days from now I won't have any choice of getting back...I don't know how will I manage things...
SS has set the bar really high...and at this point any another person coming to my life will have to make efforts to make any space for him as I am not in a space to make any effort for anyone..
He will be fine also as he has so many people, so many activities to do...so many friends, family, after all how long he will remain angry from his sister, his family... afterall family is family... he will get back to them...
I don't know what I want...I was the person who always believed that everything happens for good, but I don't know what's good at present...waise bhi in my life...I never get what I truly want then I have to settle for something else...so is my life...
I hope I can be a strong person someday, and maybe I may have a good life ahead...I don't know...I am so unsure about everything....so unsure with the actual idea of marriage...
Let's see... Going with a thought that "between what is right and what makes you happy, choose what is right for you"
I waited for long, when he said I shouldn't I waited after that also...I waited even after knowing that I wouldn't get all good things and postive vibes there even he I get it still I waited accepting everything but for long right...I have to stop holding and move ahead and try so that know what faith has stored for me...sometimes all you can do is try...and I tried I guess...
Hamesha ek chiz toh rahega, what if agar ye work karta toh life kaisi hoti... what I have imagined ya something else.... anyways...no regrets wale person ko thodha regert toh hai abhi...
Future ka nahi pata....