One morning, whilst my sister was preparing breakfast for her baby, I was dancing to the songs blasting through the speaker and simultaneously entertaining my niece. I grooved to a song by Train, some Bruno Mars, Maroon 5…
And when the line played—
"If I got locked away, and we lost it all today~"
My eyes lit up, and I exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, Luigi’s song for me!"—before laughing my ass off at my own delusion.
From the kitchen counter, as my laughter continued, I saw my sister’s shoulders shake with silent amusement. Then, with a grin on her visage that foretold her next words, she turned around, knife in hand, and teased, "I know why you like Luigi."
At that moment, from the tone of her voice and the knowing smile playing at her lips, I knew exactly what she was about to say like subtitles appearing two seconds faster than the audio.
"Because he reminds you of Jacob."
Spot on.
But she was wrong. So, matter-of-factly, I said, "The more I see Luigi, the less I see Jacob."
And it was the truth. Why did I even think they looked similar? I mean, yeah, to some degree, there was a surface-level resemblance—the facial features, expressions… Or perhaps it was all just a trick of familiarity. Over time, those similarities faded as Luigi’s unique traits became clearer, and their differences became the more apparent ones to me.
However, my curiosity about Jacob’s whereabouts betrayed my silent concern. So, over two weeks ago, I sent him two emails. But if I were to be honest, this impulse was less about my curiosity and more about my feeling lonely. It was the dark hours—past midnight—when the silence screamed louder and the darkness swallowed me whole. As it were, I was trapped in a well; I felt that everybody who once cared for me had abandoned me. Jacob, although he did me awfully wrong, his actions only came into fruition because he cared for me so deeply and was so scared of losing me albeit in his own twisted, toxic, and fucked-up way.
So I wrote:
Subject: Jaky!!!
Heyyy, how have you been? 😃 It’s been a while! Are you still alive? Haha.
Lately, I keep seeing Luigi Mangione’s face all over social media, and for some reason, he reminded me of you 😂 I thought you two looked a bit similar, so I went digging through old folders just to find a picture of you and see if I was right.
(Here I attached a side-by-side picture of him and the alleged CEO-shooter.)
At first, I definitely saw the resemblance! But the more I saw of him, the less he looked like you. Still, his constant presence on my screen got me wondering how you’ve been.
Not sure if this email is still active, but I have another one of yours—I’ll send this there too, just in case.
Let me know if you’re still breathing! Hope you’re doing well 😊
Sweet regards,
Patatska
Patatska. That was his pet name for me because I used to call him Jaky Patootskie.
It’s been sixteen days. Still no response.
I hope he’s still alive. He had always been depressed and suicidal. I didn’t know this at first, of course. Behind jests and mischief, and a charm so irresistible, he hid his darkness too well. And even when he was having these episodes, he’d always try to be playful and fun. Only when his jar brimmed full of the weight of his depression did it finally leak—and for a long time, I made it my duty to be his sunshine. I never liked seeing him down and sad, so I would always try to cheer him up to the point of being cringe, keep him company, and assure him I was only one call or message away.
However, over time, it drained me. We were just children then. I didn’t know that loving someone and having that someone love you back could cost you your own emotional health and sanity. In my resolve to keep him happy all the time, I carried within me the very thing I so hate now: toxic positivity.
Clearly and vividly, I still remember the very words he once said to me—words that, until now, are etched in my mind and forever will be.
"You’re so shallow and it’s a major turn-off."
These simple words, engraved on a dagger, I repeated over and over in my head, and stabbing my chest with it. I was crestfallen. It seemed as if he flipped a switch in me and extinguished my light. I only wanted to take his loneliness away… He was my first love, and I didn’t want to give up on him. Even the mere thought of doing so ached me. To imagine the next month without him crushed me to the very core. I was so hell-bent on understanding and helping him that I studied psychology. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t seem to fix him.
In the end, it was me he changed.
The longer I stayed, the more I felt his darkness creeping into my own jar, filling the spaces where my joy had once been.
Loving him did permanent damage to me. He destroyed my perception of love. And I think it’s because of that I am so unsuccessful in my romantic affairs. Like he did with ours, I learned how to sabotage my relationships with others. I suppose you can only try to save someone so much before the weight of their own burden drowns you with them ..
Yet, despite all that, my heart still softens at the brighter side of our relationship, the side that contained the very moments I held the most. He was always there for me when I needed him because he knew exactly what it was like to feel alone. And he always knew what to say to make me feel better because I can only assume he'd told himself those things countless times before. He was always ready to help me, as if it were a great honour for him to be needed.. He might have caused me my greatest misery, but he also made me the happiest. Perhaps if I had only listened to him and let him go the first time he wanted out to save us greater heartache in the future... But I was far too stubborn and selfish. I wanted to keep him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him.
The last drop of my love for him had long since drained dry. But ..
Jacob... where in the bloody hell are you?
Damn, I didn't intend for this entry to end on a bleak note. Here's a mugshot of Mangione to enjoy: