February 10, 2025

Dear Diary, 

(12:21 am)

Hi!!! 

I am smelling so good today, actually I usually do.

I smell so good :), it makes me happy.

I cook so delicious food...not fancy one but taste...yum 😋 🤤 ...I made normal biryani today obviously chicken biryani...veg biryani is not biryani... it's for namesake...it was definitely not my best one coz I have cooked better Biryani in the past. But I ate too much today...full on anti diet.

My eyes 👀 are going to die... thanks to me for not taking care of them...not wearing spects... and troubling them.

This is the end of cookie, enough of writing journals, storing bad memories.

In the morning or since yesterday I was in a different zone, different mindset, so depressed with life, self destructive thoughts were there... which is not me at all...I was so eager to go to Mahakumbh but I felt that I don't want to go there anymore now...I am very adamant at a time that I wanted Stories Inside Me to shoot my wedding but today I thought that I don't want it anymore...as I won't have any story ever...and what not...such kind of thoughts... seeing everyone around you settling down...gets you the urge to get someone in your life.

Then that conversation with mummy, I was angry...but I made me feel better as I acknowledged things which I wasn't seeing.

Then, at night...I got that I have a bad taste in men... anything happens he starts saying that this happened that happened...I accept those things but what after that...at least mention some good things too...but no... for that he gets blind...at least my parents tried but at his side, I guess from the day they met us and till date...I don't feel that there might be a single day they were happy for this alliance...they say I am the one who always keeps complaining but they do the same... At the end, everything is our fault and they are super sweet... obviously jalebi k tarah sidhe hain...and the fact is they were not happy a single day with this alliance otherwise things would have been different...and the worst part it atleast I have guts to acknowledge that yaa...there are/were things which wasn't right from our end my family...but he fails to see wrong things or faults on his side of family...he cannot take a stand for me... can't stop people from saying mean things about me... maybe somethings were said directly, somethings I got to know through him and there would be much more... But how will he...it was arranged marriage setup after all,  it's simple na...the man has to be bridge between the girl and the family... it's his responsibility...he should be the bridge between his wife who is new in his life and his mother who has always been in his life and they will have different mentality and thought process, he needs to fill the gap.

Anyways, I am done with same things brought up again and again at every circumstances and it brings out the negative side of mine too which leads to the same argument...me saying same things for n number of times...so I am ending this cycle here... I won't write about them after this...they are not that worthy for which I waste my energy and emotions and transform into a negative person. 

I deserve better, a better family, a better man...who knows how to keep me protected and stand beside me...

And I am not denying that being fat is a bad thing...as it's not good for the health first of all...but body shaming is a bad thing too...as people say there is always a good way to say things... :D but don't stand by it themselves. So sad :( :D. 

Everything can be fixed if you really want to fix it...

Okay, let them be...this is my promise to myself that I won't write about them anymore... I don't want that negativity around me anymore... I want to protect my energy and vibes...

Yesterday, I was watching "Mrs", marriage is scary and arranged marriage is super scary what if...

The movie could have a better ending...as the whole movie felt like a build up but the type of ending we wanted was missing...the liberation scene could have more drastic but then it made me realise actually no...she got out from there was okay and necessary but in the guy family nothing changed they got someone else and still everything repeats...and this is the reflection of our society also... nothing changes...

The movie is about how a girl gets married and expected some love but ended up in Kitchen full time and servicing everyone in the family only...wake up first and sleep last...no life other than that...no rest, no help, only demands from her, not letting her persue any career, she was just a cook, maid and sex machine for the guy who didn't even care about her desires or pain or satisfaction, no foreplay and nothing.

See, this is the thing I have always feared about getting married and this is the thought I don't want to live with the family all 24×7 in initial years...I am a family person but will the guy's family will be okay if he helps in household chores... it's not about even equal contribution, it's about having a set mindset of roles expected from their daughter in law, she should cook, she should clean, and she should also go the office after that and come back and do that again... they feel their boy as a victim if he shares the chores with her or cook for her or irons her clothes or so on...I think initially 4-5 years, parents visit in 2-3 months staying for 20 days or month is okay and the couple visiting them at festivals, during health issues and all is enough...so that they can have a good bonding and understanding...

Anyways, I don't have any hopes to find such thing in my life...I am done with this pyar vyar wala shit... everything is infatuation, if I would have been a teenager at present and thinking if I didn't get this or that... life will end or whatever but being an adult I can't even think like that...as eventually life moves on...maybe void will be there or it won't be there but it's not the life end...you will get good things in life...or whatever you can bad things too...

Marriages comes with a lot of responsibility...but it fails coz of two people and survive also because of two people only...rest of other just makes life more complicated instead of sorting it out.

People come, people go, life goes on...with regret and whithout regrets how you want to live... it's up to you...

So give you best...give your 100% and live with no regrets.

Always stay happy as everything we do in life is because we are seeking happiness. 

Okay! Signing off ! Signing out! 

Goodbye 👋🏻