Dear Diary,
" Kisi ko pane ke liye naseeb chahiye, sirf mohabbat se kuch nahi hota "
Hi and Good morning 🌞
As winter season has almost ended up, it's feels too hot around 9:30-10am also...so I need to get up little early.
Last night it was so difficult for me to sleep...but somehow I managed to sleep quite late...but woke before alarm then tried to sleep again and so on...
You have to deal yourself with your pain or grief.
Long time back, I read somewhere there are 4-5 stages of grief...I don't actually remember that now properly...but I guess I maybe in the first stage or second only.
Last night I felt a turmoil of emotions...fear of losing has also gone...as I have already lost that person.
Usko khone ka darr bhi khatam ho gaya usko khone k baad...
And right now at this moment, at present I don't know what do I want from my life...I don't feel like doing anything, neither I feel hungry or urge of eating too many things, neither I feel like working, all I like to do is to sleep... neither I feel like going out anywhere but I am trying to go out to feel better...
I thought that I have had heart breaks in 2022 yaa it might be an heart break but somewhere in my mind at that time also I knew that things won't work out and was unsure about it... first time I was little more sad but second time I was quite okay with that...the main issue was getting into something which I didn't want for sure, someone whom I didn't like even before meeting...that was the issue not the heart break not letting go of someone I like...so yup...I was weak at some point so gave up infront of my parents but I was okay with it.
This is the first time, I felt so much of love, witnessed so much of efforts from the person, he could say anything but I can never believe that he didn't love me or he is not in love with me or carry any feelings for me... it's not because I am being biased towards him or I am in denial...but I can feel it everyday... everytime... there was a time I felt less loved or acknowledged...I have mentioned that time too earlier...so, I know that person...I am witnessing things...so I know that he loves or loved me...more than anyone else till date... and he loved me the way I have always craved for... I was so sure about being with him despite so many negativity and challenges...I was too confident that we might end up together...life will find out it's way to get me to him but now it's over...
Life has no rewind button.
I won't blame anyone but I will definitely write about how he messed up things for a short period of time... obviously his family didn't like me... actually they might be the one who did not like me... otherwise I meet a lot of people and they end up saying that you're so good, you carry so much good vibes, literally I have received compliments saying... apki beti hamare ghar aa jayegi to raunak aa jayega hamare ghar pe, someone else said that they felt very nice and happy meeting me...I am so joyful and have postive aura...and so on...but sadly they didn't see any of these...they saw something...and got stuck on that in such a way that they failed to notice and observe and absorb anything from me...so it's not me it's them...who can't see good in other people...from Gaur Gopal Das book...there are 5 kinds of people...and they might be someone who see good and bad but focus on bad only...or they might be who only see bad and amplifies it...but anyways...it affected a lot...I felt when he went home...there was much of negative prejudice notion against me and which helped him to develop a negative narrative against me that he lost all the charm he felt... which made him feel uncertain and everything...but there were a lot of negativity at his home regarding me everytime...how many times he will say that his family said that they liked me and all but I won't believe it, they were just doing things coz of him and never wanted a girl like me, the personality I carry is what they don't want...and all thanks to his sister also for influencing everyone from day 1... putting my conversation with her differently...so him feeling uncertain and everything was little justified...
But him having this feeling spoiled a lot of things coz he conveyed this feeling at his home also...and also I feel that his family may love him but not enough to leave their obstinate behaviour and perception over things which should have been left behind... and have chosen his happiness after all...
Anyways, him being uncertain at times have managed to do the damage...he says he chose to push me away because he wasn't sure how much time it would take to fix things or even he would ever be able to fix things back at his home... so yeah.
" Mil jaye toh mitti, kho jaye to sona "
And about me, how I am feeling I don't know...
Am I ready to move on ? No
Am I ready to get into another relationship? No
Do I need to do above?.Yes
I don't know, how I will manage all this... what steps I need to take...not to take...what to do, what not to do, what is correct, what is wrong doesn't make any sense right now...I just want to do what my heart likes right now...but I need to maintain some distance from him so that I can heal myself... but I know this for sure that right now I don't want any new person in my life...I can't process things and I feel I am doing wrong to another person...coz I don't have anything right now to give...but thik hai I will treat it like completely arranged marriage thing...tab to sahi rahega na... talking to various people and exploring where to go ahead...no attachments.
"Agar talash karu,
koi mil hi jayega,
Magar tumhari tarah,
Kaun mujh ko chahega"
~ Basir Badr
Just trusting the timing,
Eventually you'll end up where you need to be, with who you're meant to be with, and doing what you should be doing.
As it's all about naseeb and destiny...
Goodbye!