Dear Diary,
I'm not over him but I'm over it or maybe I'm over him as well.
Dear diary, this is my last note, and this time it's final I won't be writing... neither as cookie nor as anyone else.
I am literally done with it yaar. So, on 29th he was literally sad in the evening... saying that he will fix this but next 2 days kuch nahi kiya... I was ready to leave him but obviously na feelings don't die overnight.
And as always I believed him... knowing that how stupid I am.
So, from the start, September I met him, liked him and vice versa hopefully, then he came to meet me, for giving me assurance.
October, our parents met and things didn't go well, for me, I won't give any judgement here, anyways, I got it that they didn't like me at all at that point.
But we tried to mend things, I went to meet him in Blr, actually I wanted to meet him properly coz before that no one gave us time to talk.
November - things were smooth, not so smooth, I asked him to visit me, he came here, engagement date was proposed in that too...his family wanted a lot of time but somehow date got decided...but I could still see that his mom doesn't like me at all...it was all written on her face...the real drama starts from there only, that was the first time I had a doubt about marrying into this family but I speak my heart out which was taken as I am a girl who keeps on complaining and I got to know and hear some of the uneasy and mean things about me... maybe I will never be able to forget that completely until and unless I receive some good gestures or behaviour from that side...
After this incident, whatever I said was taken and treated as a complaint only. But still things were fine or my end. I remember persuading his sister to not push the date ahead... and how stupid I am, I just kept my whole respect thing aside and accepted the judgements that they can be embarrassed in introducing me their family as I am not good looks wise or I don't have a certain body shape or type. But all I had in my mind that time was that I wanted him...
December started - he went home for his friend's wedding and returned as a different person with whom I wasn't familiar with, most of the things changed....I could feel that everytime... engagement was about to get postponed...I wanted to visit him but as I said things were changed...so he didn't asked me to come even once... around Christmas when engagement was about to be postponed at least from our side, from his side engagement got postponed that day only...he started behaving little normal, I visited him...I came back...him reassuring about everything.
But we had a fight which literally changed everything between us...I didn't know that me having problem with his ex or him being still in touch with his ex and speaking out what I feel and what I feel uncomfortable or insecure about will change everything... at that point, he suddenly felt he needed a break to figure out things, to clear this doubt in his mind and so on...but after that break he didn't say that this thing is bothering him, instead he said that I won't be happy in his family and so on...that made me ask him what do you want...but at that time or like some time before also... suddenly everything was only about me... that I am fighting for you, you love me that's why I am doing this, I am doing so and so coz you want it or it will make you happy... everything just became about me...I said to try more as the only problem is family but no actually problem is that isn't the same person, maybe he had fell out of love or he is getting cold feet or he isn't ready for any commitment...
January went like this only, him figuring out things...we went to Hyd...there everything I felt or understood was my mistake...coz the last day again while driving to airport, he said that he don't have time to figure out as if not him I might be engaged with someone else by March...that made me feel really bad... but later he called me and I was again not thinking all of these.
The next day he said that he don't have any feelings for me...I was literally hurt coz I could not say that I saw that coming from anywhere...in between in January he said many times that Goodbye, this n that but I was only being dumb and blind towards everything....how could I not see everything...any it's obvious yaar...on his birthday eve also...when I wished him to stay happy...he asked without you?? I said with me or without me...you should be happy.
That day when he said that he don't have any feelings for me... after that he kept calling me... and then said to give another chance yaar and he fear of losing me... and me still being dumb, believed in that too...I know even I give him 3 months, 5 months, he will not be sure at that time also.
But today when I said him that he says that he doesn't have any feelings for me or he is not getting excited over anything...I said that your actions doesn't match with your words...you do things which makes me feel loved by you...for that he said maybe he is too kind as a person...and this is his caring or kindness nature... which is enough for me to walk away from this. Coz, yesterday he spoiled his birthday on his own only, not eating, being unnecessarily sad, being happy is a choice, there will be n number of reasons to get upset but you will always atleast one reason to be happy... even on his birthday night he said that he priortised her over me as instead of not being in touch with her or not to restrain himself from sending any meme or anything to her he chose to deactivate his Instagram.
And he mentioned about our fight to my papa also which wasn't required. That's mean that is the thought that is still bothering him.
I was feeling guilty yesterday and today that I know he is not doing very well emotionally and mentally and at the same time I am putting so much pressure on him...but what to do yaar, I need to get things clear and now I have clarity...I got it that he is not ready for any commitment and I shouldn't be blind anymore and leave him completely...I should take a break from everything...this time I am literally hurt, I feel stupid not understanding the difference between if someone just being kind or doing things out of love...
Anyways, it's high time, I should take myself out of all of this and get serious in life and settle for someone who is ready for commitment at least, I am not looking for love anymore...I just want to get out of this tiring process now and settle down somewhere, settling for someone who will like the way I am...and accept me that way only without any terms and conditions.
I am just closing this chapter of my life... I don't have any audacity to try or get involved in such things again...I am just done with this, I have understood that love and all is something that's not meant for me...and I will never find someone who will love me or get love...so I will be choosing someone who can respect me...that is enough for me...who is mature enough to stick to his words and promises...
Yesterday Arihant said few things which I definitely relate to -
1. Look for the relationship between his parents or how is relationships in his family coz growing up we subconsciously observe everything from our parents.
2. How are they as person, do I like them or not?
3. I am being biased towards him... he doesn't want to commit to me or he isn't ready for marriage also... dating is what he is looking for.
4. If any boy earns well or even if is standing on his feet...he has definitely a say in his family and can convience his family for things which has been exactly my thoughts from a long time.
5. I should move on and give a try to other options.
6. Everything is destined beforehand and already destined things will only happen no matter what you do.
Dear diary, this time I am quite serious, I am done with this behaviour of him,,, I want someone who can stick to his promises, who is sure about me...whose feelings will not keep changing every now and then...who would like to work on the relationship to make it happen or make it better, instead of running away he should try to mend things...I want a man not a boy.
And finally deleting this app... closing many chapters of my life today.
Leaving things behind... singing off.
Goodbye 👋🏻
2nd feb - 1:30am - can't sleep , too anxious, I fear of taking any random decision out of rage... coz I am in that zone only, I might end up taking a wrong or bad decision out of anger or anything... which I may regret later.