Dear Diary,
God I feel like throwing up. I was able to force some breakfast down my throat but almost threw up in the process. As I walked to class I just wanted to curl into a ball and hold my stomach. Jesus Christ I haven’t felt this way in a while. I really think it’s because of my anxiety but that’s the question...what am I even anxious about lol. It isn’t school, it isn’t friends, it isn’t family, and I don’t think it’s my love life because that was a disaster already and I didn’t feel this way. Freaking meds. They are supposed to help me but they have done a bunch of nothing. I have been taking them consistently. This very moment I feel like gagging. I know it isn’t me getting sick because I know the difference between a sick stomach ache and an anxious stomach ache. Also my pounding heart points more towards anxiety lol. It is going so fast. My chest is tightening and it is getting harder to breathe. Every breath makes me feel worse. Hopefully this doesn’t last all day. I’m writing in the morning so I will add more later. Maybe it is just one of those weeks. I really hope it doesn’t turn into a month. That has happened to me before, where I was feeling so sick I could barely get water down. I started throwing up every night and that’s when my mom finally thought it would be a good idea to take me to the doctor. I was begging her to take me every week and she kept saying “let’s wait a week and see.” My dad, being the dumbass he is, tells me how it must be my diet and how I need to diet and eat better. That hurt, also I haven’t changed anything in my diet at the time. I have lost so much weight during that time because I was literally not eating anything. Turns out my stomach was literally burning itself because of all the worry and anxiety. It was literally a miracle I didn’t get any ulcers. The doctor gave me some medicine that I would take overtime and that helped me get better. I remember while I was still getting over this I had a ballroom competition and of course I was doing jive and of course me and my partner made it to semi-finals. I was ready to puke on the floor in the middle of dancing. I really hope it doesn’t get to that because that would really suck and it would really impact my life. I kind of need to function lol, especially in college. Also my hands are so cracked and dry from the winter. I woke up and got ready like I always do but when I went to brush my teeth I noticed how my hand cracked sometime in the middle of the night and bled. That was a big L. Oh my fucking god my stomach hurts so fucking much. Like keeling over and walking like a grandma bad. I am so hungry. I am almost done with all my classes and then I can try to eat again. I have an interview tomorrow for Cafe Rio and I really hope I get the job. I need one really badly. I was doing an online class today and I had to be on zoom and as soon as it was my turn to talk my roommate decided it was a good time to open some chips lol. I’m not mad I found it super funny just because it was out of nowhere lol. I was able to eat lunch which is good. I had some pizza and ice cream. While it isn’t the most healthy thing in the world that’s ok. At least I ate some food. I was talking with Jazzy today and I just really wish her the best. Maybe I am just being paranoid but as someone who went through horrible dating situations I don’t want her to go through that. It’s just I have always found online relationships a lot more suspicious just because they could have bad intentions in mind or an old person who is trying to lure in people. I really wish the world isn’t like it is but it is. It is full of horrible and selfish people and just all sorts of awful, awful things. I am so sad I had to figure that out the way I did and when I was so young. I never fully trust anyone anymore. I definitely don’t trust men. I always keep a pocket knife and pepper spray with me just to keep me safe. I don’t know where my taser went because I legit lose everything but at least I have the things I do. I am actually considering getting a bigger knife just in case. After the incident in the graveyard I have been a lot more wary and after breaking up with Lucas. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I just learned I am doing the coolest project ever. I will be training a dog how to be a therapy animal. Now of course they aren’t going to be professionally trained because I’m not a professional trainer but I am really excited to get started. Alright going to bed early to get stuff done tomorrow because I was zero productive today.