Dear Diary,
The fire alarm went off AGAIN last night but at one in the morning. That makes three times. Then at four in the morning a guy knocked on all of our doors checking the heaters in our room to make sure the caps were on tight or something. I woke up and my roommate told me how the basement flooded because a pipe burst and no one is allowed down there. That made me annoyed because I need to do my laundry lol. I think I got a lot done today. I studied biology as much as I could with the material that we have covered so far and finished most of my online class for this week. We have a mandatory zoom class tomorrow though and I really don’t want to do it but here we are. I also went on my walk today and that was nice. I saw Lucas’s roommate while I was out there and we just made awkward eye contact lol. This morning I couldn’t eat breakfast. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I started making my waffle like I always do and I was starving and ready to eat when all of a sudden my appetite vanished. Looking at the food made me feel sick. I tried to eat my waffle anyway but I almost choked and threw it up. It was like this glob of cement I was trying to swallow. I had one bite of my waffle and I was done. I couldn’t finish it. I just skipped lunch altogether and then when it came to dinner I just didn’t even try. My stomach just turned at the thought of eating food. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Hopefully I will get my appetite back on track tomorrow. I need it to or I will be miserable. I got my head reshaved so that will last me about a month and a half. I still wonder where CJ went. You would think I would have seen him by now. Or Daniel, I thought I would have seen them but I don’t know. All our schedules have changed so they might just not line up. My parent’s tried to text me again today but, again, I just ignored it. I will get back to them eventually. Maybe. I need to walk away from all this ex boyfriend stuff. Ink heart is right with that it’s just I don’t know how to. I am so fucking hurt lol. I just need to focus on other things. Rose and Jazzy are also right. I deserve better. I should have the satisfaction that I saw that I deserved better. I don’t know why but I have been imagining what I would say if I saw Daniel or CJ and they asked why me and Lucas broke up. I would say well we had different definitions of what a relationship meant. He wanted something I couldn’t and didn’t want to provide. I wanted something he wouldn’t and didn’t want to provide. I mean...it’s the truth lol. He wanted sex and I physically couldn’t do that for him and I didn’t want to do it anyway. I wanted an equal partnership where I was respected and he didn’t and wouldn’t give that to me. I have pointed out his behavior before but nothing really changed. Damn I am hungry, but for some stupid reason my body won’t allow me to eat anything. Everything seems so gross. To be honest I’m not sure what I need. If someone were to come up to me and say they could give me anything I don’t know what I would ask for. I don’t know what would make me feel better. I would say a boyfriend but to be honest I really think I need to take time for myself. I’m not really sure what is the correct amount of time to wait before dating again. There aren’t any guys that are interested in me and there aren’t any guys I’m interested in so I guess that problem is solved lol. I need a fucking job. I really need the money to come in. I’ll apply for more places tomorrow. I would rather work at a food place because that means I would get free and discounted meals during the summer when I don’t have my meal plan anymore. Part of me wants Lucas to apologize. Maybe people pointed out how messed up his behavior was. I hope someone did. What he expected of me was impossible. I’m too nice. I should have broken up with him when he made fun of my eating disorder. Made fun of me how he would start fat shaming me just because I don’t exercise as much as he does. He apologized over text. I should have broken up with him when he said him and his roommate made jokes about the sexual assault that happened in the graveyard. A girl was held at knife point and forced to do things, and he thinks that is something to joke about? Especially around me? I should have broken up with at the very beginning when he said I hit all the “requirements” for him to date me. Like he was above me. Jesus Christ what is wrong with me. I talk about my love life too much. It’s just that it has been so hard and literally traumatizing. Jesus fucking Christ. I’ll be ok eventually. Thanks everyone for all the support it means the world to me.