Dear Diary,
Ink heart is right. If he let his mom say something like that then what else could she have said? I was always paranoid and always asked what’s family thought about me after that. I can’t let it get under my skin, especially since it isn’t true. I would never take advantage of someone like that, especially after what I have been through. I mean...Lucas had said a lot of things to my face that made me cringe in hurt. None of it is true. I am a good person. It is ok that I am taking the time to heal. Since Lucas was impatient with that he can find someone else. If he wasn’t willing to be there for me and be patient then it would have ended worse. I would have suppressed my feelings and that is so unhealthy. I need to think of myself. I have already let it happen, doing things I wasn’t comfortable with just so my partner was happy. I can’t let that happen. To be honest this makes me feel a lot better about breaking up with him. It was the right thing to do. If I stayed where would it have gone? I would have ended even more hurt than I already am. I know I keep saying this but I need to move on. I can’t waste my energy on someone like Lucas. I know I will probably hung on this for a little bit longer but I can’t let myself get dragged by this. He said how my comfort was more important than his desires but it wasn’t. It’s ok songbird. You can do this. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have great classes and I’m making new friends in those classes. In math I met a really nice group of people and it has made math so much better. I have felt better than I have in a while. I have been going on almost daily walks and that has helped my mental health. I have said to so many people that it is ok to feel sad, it is ok to feel a little lost and so I need to give myself that grace. I feel so bad when I feel sad. I feel weak. I feel like a disappointment. It is ok for me to feel a little sad. What happened gives me the right to be a little sad. Again, I can’t let it linger for too long because it isn’t worth my energy. It is such a tricky balance. We will see how it goes. To be honest I have enjoyed being alone. It isn’t weird anymore not being with Lucas all the time. I wonder if he feels the same way. I also applied for ANOTHER job this morning. It is taking freaking forever. I have applied to 8 different places. I know it takes time but I am impatient. My teacher finally posted the study guide for biology so that is what I am going to be doing for the rest of the day. I am going to watch parts of the recorded lectures for specific concepts I don’t understand and then read the textbook and then work on the study guide. After I finish the study guide with the knowledge I know I go to the key and add to my responses. Then I just go over the questions over and over again. I need to do laundry. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair reshaved because it is getting too long for my liking. Then I am going to do my online class stuff and more studying for biology and maybe a little study for math. My classes are MUCH easier which is a relief because I need to work. To be honest the work load for 17 credits is small which is surprising. I can’t fully judge yet though since it’s only the beginning of week two of my semester. I’ve still been ignoring my parents. We didn’t leave on a good note after Christmas break and it has just sealed the deal that I won’t be going back home anytime soon. The fire alarm in my building just went off for the second time and that was really annoying. I am sitting here studying and then all of a sudden a rush of mental hit me pretty badly. I haven’t felt it this strongly since me and Lucas broke up. It is so uncomfortable. I saw Lucas at breakfast...again. Whenever I run into him I just act like he is a stranger, someone I don’t know like most of the people around me. It seems to work for us. Well, for me at least. My friends keeps asking why I don’t want to work on campus and one part is because they pay shit but also it would mean I would have to interact with him more then I would like. I guess my tarot card reading came true lol. It said I would feel anxious. I don’t believe in tarot cards but mine have been surprisingly accurate. I just do it as a hobby of some sorts. Going over my study guide I can tell this semester is going to be harder for biology. Last semester I already knew a bunch of the material because I took AP biology in high school and I still only got a B last semester. I keep trying to tell myself that I know what I’m doing now and so I will do better. We will see. I still haven’t gotten the courage to call the police again. They are going to tell me how they are “working” on it but in reality they have done nothing. In May it is going to mark the one year anniversary of when I put in that police report. It’s already January. It’s been over half a year and I have been waiting so patiently. I haven’t bothered the police much. Last time I called them was a month ago and the detective told me how she hadn’t even put interviews together yet. I freaking want to slam my face into my desk. The people who I need to take this seriously the most aren’t. This is just what I found on google but this is what it says. “Just 5.7 percent of incidents end in arrest, 0.7 percent result in a felony conviction and 0.6 percent result in incarceration, RAINN found.” I want to be part of that less then one percent. I’m not going to give up. This is really important to me. Do the police not see it as important? Not really. On one specific phone call I talked to a more higher up and he said how there was a lot of gray area in this situation and I still don’t understand. I knew who did it, I gave proof he was abusive, I gave proof that he tried to contact me, what else do they need?? The higher up talked about how it isn’t like a camera catching the face of a thief clearly on a security camera. It is more like a fuzzy video of someone wearing a hood stealing something. There is gray area. Did he really just compare my rape and sexual assault with petty theft?? It is on my to do list. I need to call again. I am not letting this go. If I need to pull out the rape and sexual assault victim rights I will. I deserve this. I need this. I will not give up. My dad told me that over a certain period of time then I should just continue forward because it is obvious the police aren’t doing anything. I agreed with him because it isn’t good to cling on this but this is something that is worthy of clinging onto. I deserve to have this closure. Looking up more the police might just feel like I don’t have enough evidence. I had a screenshot of him saying how we had sex though. I have screenshots of him treating me horribly. Max wasn’t there for me. Lucas wasn’t there for me. They weren’t there for me. My parent’s weren’t and still aren’t there for me. I feel so bad talking about my past relationships with other people and being sour. People are probably sick of it. But in reality it is because I am so hurt. I am so so so hurt. I am scared. I am terrified. I feel vulnerable. These guys...did they really treat me like that? Sorry it’s kind of hitting me now. How messed up their actions were. I gave them a chance, showing trust. They broke it, breaking me in the process. They don’t understand how damaging it was. Being with Nick. I just went through me and Nick’s texts. I keep them just in case the police want them. I just....can’t believe I let him treat me like that. I was apologizing for everything, even though most of it wasn’t my fault. He kept telling me how I wasn’t trying hard enough, how he didn’t know if I loved him, how I wasn’t sacrificing enough. I sacrificed everything to the point where I almost sacrificed my life for him. I felt like I was such a burden on him and my family and my friends that I wanted to end my life. I am doing better now. I can’t believe he said those things for me. Saying how I cheated on him when I went to prom with another guy when we weren’t even dating at the time. Why were Max and Lucas so insensitive. I know they didn’t k now everything but I felt like they didn’t need to know everything. I lost so much of myself and I still feel lost. I lost so much self worth. Them treating me like the way they did made me lose so much more. What am I going to do? I really don’t know. I feel so small. I feel so used. I feel so broken. Too broken. Too broken for anyone. Too broken for myself. Too broken to fix.