Dear Diary,
The way my mother interacts with her grandchildren has been resurfacing a lot of memories from my childhood that explain a lot about my behaviors and self-image issues.
Today on the phone with my sister, mom, niece (5 months old), and nephew (3 years old), there was a lot of chaos. That is very common with phone calls around small children and I am used to it, I know to brace for that kind of environment when I go to visit too. I have chosen to be child free myself, one of the reasons being the chaos surrounding young children is overstimulating and I know I wouldn’t be able to be around so much stimulus every day for years while keeping a healthy mental space. I love my niece and nephew though and the extra stimulus is a small price to pay when I get to see them and spend time with them for days or weeks. My mom sees them every day and raised 2 children herself and I see a lot of the same behaviors from her when she’s overstimulated by my niece and nephew as she did when she was raising my sister and me. When my 5 month old niece was crying while she was trying to do something, it was a very overwhelming and frustrating environment but in this situation she got flustered, continued to try to finish her task, and repeatedly pleaded with the baby to stop crying, asserting that the baby was fine and had nothing to cry about. Similarly, when my 3 year old nephew wines, she often walks away and tells him she doesn’t want to be around him when he wines, and she won’t talk to him when hes crying because she can’t understand him. I believe a lot of my self worth issues stem from similar treatment when I was a child.
The phrase “nobody wants to be around you when you’re whining” I think is the root of my emotion suppression. Throughout my decade of suicidal ideation and severe depression, I militantly hid any evidence of my pain. I didn’t make the connection until now but my mantra was “nobody wants to be around you when you’re sad” so I got very good about pretending to be happy all the time. I convinced myself to hide any negative emotions from even those who loved me because I didn’t think anyone would want to talk to me or be around me if the experiences weren’t pleasant due to my emotions. This ties in cultural misogyny as well but I think I internalized that phrase as a child then didn’t know how to work through my emotions, couldn’t express or ask for help with learning that process, so I internalized them which manifested in depression.
The situation where my mother begged the baby to stop crying and dismissed any justification for the crying while focusing on her own emotions also reminded me of instances in my childhood. I feel like even when there was a situation that was directed at me negatively, it was never about my emotions, hers were the priority. I know she loves me and prioritized me as her child and gave up so much to give me a good life. I also did not feel my emotions were validated or prioritized. A memory I consistently return to is one where I was upset but not crying, I then accidentally dropped a bowl which shattered on the floor, then I was inconsolable and was yelled at for crying. My feelings were dismissed, told it was just a bowl, and that I had no reason to cry. I was begged to stop crying, then told she didn’t want to be around me while I was acting that way. Even when my mother and sister would fight, I was always consoling everyone else. I never felt comfortable expressing my emotions or even my true opinions, I was there to keep the peace and console others in their emotional experiences. I never felt allowed to experience my own.
I think that ties into my attitude towards sexual situations as well. Consistently I cater towards the other persons perception of the interaction rather than focusing on my experience, emotions, or desires. In one on one interactions, I have ingrained in myself that it is not about me. Rather, it is about the other person, whether they are happy, whether they will want to be around me again.
Even with the sexual assault by my father. I was talking to my mom about that a few days ago and she said it hurt her feelings when I told her the reason I didn’t report my rapist was because months before, we didn’t report my father when he did something similar. She said it made her feel responsible for the lack of justice in both situations. Reflecting on why I didn’t report my father, consideration of her was a major reason I decided against it. The main reasons were for myself, that I wanted to still be able to go to college and I didn’t want my name to be “dragged through the mud” in court. That no one would believe me and I would be called an attention seeker and would be unemployable if I couldn’t prove the assault had happened. But also that my mom is disabled and without his income, she kept saying she would become homeless, that she wouldn’t be able to make it. That she would lose her health insurance because he wouldn’t be able to keep his job and the medical debt would drown her. Although he ended up screwing her over anyways with divorce lawyers and she doesn’t get alimony now so she can’t live by herself anyways, but is still not homeless.
Even when we talk about that time though, she refers to it as what he did to her. It’s about her, even though he committed the crime against me. It’s about her because it caused financial hardship and emotional strain, and because he doesn’t tell his friends the truth about why we left and it makes her look bad. Even with this event that destroyed my mental and physical health, I do not feel that my experience was prioritized to her.
I’m working through it now and trying to first recognize my wants in a given situation and prioritize pursuing that path even if it is not what other people in the situation want. It is difficult but I think it’s worth it to explore. As for expressing my emotions, I am not sure where to even begin but maybe one day.