Dear Diary,
Again, I am writing early and will add overtime. I did see Lucas at breakfast. It makes that I haven’t been seeing him because he has been going to breakfast a lot earlier than I usually do. The reason why I went to breakfast so early in the first place is because my roommate woke up early and woke me up so I decided I might as well get ready for the day and finish some homework. I then came down to the cafeteria and I saw his hover board leaning on the wall and I knew he was there. I don’t think he saw me but I definitely saw him. To be honest he looked miserable and this is a really selfish and rude thing to say but that just gave me satisfaction. Serves him right for what he did. He usually has PT in the mornings and CJ always hangs out with him for breakfast afterward so I was a little confused on why CJ wasn’t there. Maybe he finally learned the truth about why me and Lucas broke up. How he was sick of my PTSD because it stopped him from making out with me and stopping him from having sex with me. How he didn’t give me the support I needed through this. How he said he saw me as an object. That would stop anyone from being friends with him because that is just so fucking messed up. Also his family was so rude to me. I have never met them but they had a lot to say about me for some reason. His mom said I was a man eater because I had two previous boyfriends, but she didn’t know I left them because the first one took advantage of me and then the second one didn’t respect my boundaries. At the time I wasn’t doing the best in school and for some reason Lucas told her and she said well if she’s doing badly she isn’t going to get into med school (I am trying to be a vet and trying to get into vet school) and how he shouldn’t get too attached to me. Like I was some kind of dog??? Like what the fuck??? I’m not something to be owned! And then at thanksgiving I wasn’t planning on staying with my parents because it’s been so messy and a lot of drama. Anyway his grandma said I wasn’t staying with them and the reason why I wanted to stay with Lucas for Thanksgiving is because I wanted attention??? Excuse me??? I didn’t want to stay home because I knew it was for the best. I didn’t want to be degraded by my parents. That’s exactly what happened during Christmas so thank god I didn’t stay there for Thanksgiving. Jesus Christ. I don’t have a lot of plans today except finish my last assignment for the week. I should go take a closer look at what the library has to read. The college library is full of academic books so I was excited to find out they did indeed have a fun section for the books. Not going to lie a lot of them haven’t been very good. Most of them are murder mystery which I love so that isn’t the problem but a lot of them weren’t written very well. One of the books was just all over the place and it just seems like the author had too many ideas and squished them all into the book. Another one was way too hard to follow and the characters were dumb. If the person woke up in a room with a dead body next to them and had a gun glued to their hand, it’s most likely they didn’t kill the person. Who would glue the murder weapon to themself???? That detective was so dumb and couldn’t do his job right. The book was so painful I stopped reading half way and never finished it and I don’t intend to. I read another one and it was meh. Now the last one I read was better. A person going crazy and not knowing why? How the memory of her killing her sister so she could steal her sister’s boyfriend keeps haunting her? And in the end it was carbon monoxide poisoning coming from the house that was making her so sick and making her go crazy? That’s a better plot than the other books. Still not the best but when compared to the other books it’s better. I am now writing later. I was at lunch and I was with a friend and I spotted Lucas again. It makes more sense why we haven’t seen each other before and it’s because our schedules don’t line up very well. But again, he looked miserable and sad. I know his resting face and that wasn’t his resting face. Something about me is that I have horrible RBF and everyone thinks I’m angry when I’m not lol. I saw Lucas again at the cafeteria for lunch and that was again awkward. Of course I’m not going over to talk to him it’s just I see him there. Today I was thinking of the day I came out to my mom that I was bi. I said mm what would you think if I was bi and she told me to shush and pointed to my little sister who was there. That hurt so I went to my room and cried. She came down and said how she didn’t want my little sister to know because she could go off telling our neighborhood that I was bi or the classmates at her school. She made me feel like it was something I should be ashamed about. She told me how she would support me but that was a lie. I was watching videos of people coming out and there be celebrations of love and acceptance and I didn’t get that. I finally got my masks today and I am relieved. I wore one of them for the first time today and my friends were confused on why I was wearing a mask all of a sudden and I just told them it’s because everyone is getting sick (which is technically true). I will no longer be an open book. I have been doing a pretty good job keeping things to myself. I have finally learned how to keep my mouth shut. I am just so angry that the people I needed most weren’t there for me during the hardest part of my life. I remember when I finally told my parents how I put in a police report against nick and my dad asked if he was back in my life and I said no. He then said....why does it matter then? Dad...nick took advantage of me. He broke me. He hurt me in ways I never thought was possible. So when my parents are confused on why I am hesitant to ever go home again I just shake my head in disappointment. I know I have friends here that have been so good to me. I saw a lot of them today and it was great. I just need to keep pushing. I keep thinking on how if I date one more boy and he is the exact same way I am giving up on men forever. If it really is four in a row then that’s a problem. I know people say how if you have a lot of ex’s and they treated you awful they only have one thing in common and that’s you. But...they really did hurt me. They didn’t give me the respect I deserve. I’m going to get ready for bed. Talk to you later.