Dear Diary,
My stomach has been hurting a lot today. I really feel like throwing up. I think it’s because of stress though. Today was not a good day for me. I was going through pictures on my phone, which is something that I do, and came across old photos of Lucas. I couldn’t get the strength to delete them. I tried to ignore the feeling they brought but I couldn’t. I got on the bus so I could go get some food and I started to listen to music. The first song that came on was the one Lucas sent me. It’s called Sick Love by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I couldn’t stop listening to it. I listened to it over and over and over. It kept swirling in my head and I couldn’t stop. I then remixed my playlist again, which is 10 hours worth of songs, and of course it has to start playing Because Of You. It was really hard to hold back the tears. Then I remixed again and of course it had to start playing Golden Hour. I sat at Taco Bell all by myself and I felt so alone. No Lucas by me to tease and talk with. On the bus there was no Lucas to hold on to. Walking all over campus there was no Lucas to hold my hand. At the library there was no Lucas to study with. At my dorm there was no Lucas to cuddle with. I am never going to get back with him but has been hard. Why is it that when you break up with a toxic person it hurts as much if not more than when you break up with a better person. There was a diary entry I read on the site that talked about how someone’s friend was distancing themself because they were so focused on relationships and I really don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be. I know I have positive things in my life but it can be so hard to see them. Will I really only be seen as an object? A sex toy to be used an disposed of? Will I ever be anything to anyone? Will I ever be seen as something? Today was the closest I have been to going back to that really bad anxiety. The anxiety where I am too weak to stand up. The anxiety where it feels like I am having a nonstop panic attack. The anxiety that makes me fall to the floor. The anxiety that makes me cry. Why can’t I just fucking shut up. I just need to fucking shut up about my life. I am nothing special and never will be anything. I am nothing and always will be nothing. I have nothing to offer to anyone. I am just an empty shell that doesn’t hold anything valuable. That has been proved enough times by the guys I have dated. I have nothing and am nothing. I will always be nothing. I just need to fucking shut up about my life. I need to pretend better. I need to do a better job pretending everything is ok even when it is not. I am too much of an open book. I just want my masks already. I can’t find any anywhere. I know masks won’t fix the problem but I want protection. I don’t want people to be able to read me. I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I am so scared. I am so so scared. I will never be anything. I will never have any value. When a guy looks at me all they see is as an opportunity to have sex. They don’t see me as a person. I am a person. A person that has feelings and thoughts and dreams and nightmares and despairs. I am a person who has experienced so much and has laughed and cried. I am a person that experiences pain everyday. I am a person that experiences happiness everyday. Can they really not see past that? Can they not see that I am a complex being? Do they really expect that all I would want is sex? How can they be so simple minded. People always give the excuse of boys will be boys but no. That is no excuse. I am a complex person who has lived a life through unique experiences, both good and bad. I want companionship. I want someone that I can see as my best friend. That is the most important to me. Intimacy can be fun but that is not my priority. I like physical touch but I want someone to hold hands with. Someone to hug me when I achieved something. Someone to rub my back when I’m sad. People would say well what’s the difference between a partner and a friend then with these descriptions. I can’t explain it. There is just something extra that is there. Jesus Christ. I am unbelievably frustrated. Well now the sad has left and now the angry has come. That’s usually how it goes. Now I just feel angry. Jesus Christ Lucas. Literally fuck you. My stomach hurts so much. I really hope tomorrow goes better than today. People really have no idea how much I just feel like melting into the ground or disinegrating.
P.S. I hope everyone is having a good new year so far and that things haven’t turned into a total disaster yet. Love you all!! I wish only the besr for you
P.P.S. I am doing better now was just feeling a lot of strong emotions in the moment :)