Dear Diary,
It’s been a minute since I have typed. I came back to my dorm and it was so nice to be back. I unpacked and such and this time I remembered to bring my roller blades with me. The day I came back it was like 10 at night and I decided to go roller blading and it was fun to roller blade around campus when no one is there. Of course I was careful and always looking behind my shoulder to make sure I was safe. Not going to lie the wind was kind of strong and going upwind was a nightmare lol. Anyway I got back and I met my friend who was dressed for the new years. She said she just wanted to and so I got dressed up with her and we went to her dorm and watched the barbie movie and she did my nails (she did fantabulous job by the way) and drank hot chocolate. We then sang karaoke until like 2 in the morning and today we are going to go to this place that makes really good crepes. I’m really excited to hang out with friends. My friend Eryka should be back by now I need to text her and ask how she’s doing. Also the day I came back I did my interview and it seemed like it went well. They told me they will get back to me by next Monday which is good. Hoping I get the job. I then went around to different places to grab different stuff. Went to hobby lobby for glue for my broken ring (I fixed it up pretty well) and more prismatic colored pencils. I keep running out of white. I then went to Walmart and got some new notebooks for the new semester. I am really excited for the semester to begin. I went back to my dorm to draw but my light board broke and that was unfortunate. I’ll have to do it old fashioned and use the window to trace. What I do is draw my picture and then I trace it on a different sheet because it looks cleaner. Today (well I guess yesterday now since it’s about 12:30) I didn’t feel like getting up but that’s kind of everyday lol. The buses weren’t running so I had to walk everywhere which I was fine with. I went to Wendy’s and got some good food and played Pokémon pocket on my phone. The food was actually mid and that was disappointing. I then walked around some more, just poking my head in random stores and stopped at Starbucks on the way to get some hot chocolate since it was FREEZING and a cookie. I wasn’t very productive for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to work on my drawings like I wanted to but today I walked about five miles in the cold so I was done lol. It is really funny to walk in public just because I have a unique haircut...well at least in my area lol. People either compliment or stare at me weird which is really funny. Especially little kids when they gawk at me. I have a side underbuzz cut which I LOVE! Not going to lie I know my family hates it just because they are religious and crazy haircuts and whatever are seen as a little inappropriate. The people in my ward half avoided me after I got it. No matter, I like it and hoping to dye my hair sometime in the future. Of course my love life crosses my mind but it always does. Nothing I can do there. It started flurrying snow on my way back and I am not super happy about it lol. Winter can be fun but to me it’s mostly about being cold and that’s no fun for me. I can’t sleep for the love of me so I went to the basement and got some sprite out of the vending machine. Also I didn’t realize how expensive DoorDash is like sheesh. I was going to get some dinner but it was expensive and it was too dark out to go get something. I just know I am going to devour those crepes. I need to go to the library tomorrow and print out the papers I need so I can get diagnosed for ADHD. Of course I listened to music all day today. I don’t know where I would be without it. I also remembered some tea that I got from Lucas. While so far I haven’t had any bad run ins at college it’s been a little scary. There is a graveyard right in the middle of campus that my college just decided to built around for some reason?? Anyway about a month ago I got an alert text and it said how a girl got sexually assaulted in the graveyard and was threatened with a knife. My friend, who knows what happened to me and was working at the place I was at the time, looked at me and saw how freaked out I was. I remember I met with Lucas and we were talking about it and he said how he went shopping with one of his roommates and they were..JOKING ABOUT IT??? That a really big red flag for me and I got really angry at him. I told him how this kind of thing screws up a person for life and how they will never see the world and the opposite sex the same ever again. It’s terrifying and I am so tired of being scared all the time but I see it as necessary to always be on my guard. He apologized but even though he moved on from it I never did. I am still really angry about it. Anyway, now the tea that Lucas gave me. He is int he ROTC which is military training stuff for people who don’t know. Him and the rest of the ROTC had to do like a four hour sexual assault training and it was a disaster. I wasn’t there but from what he told me it was a disaster. Some people got in really big trouble. They were going over it and there was this one particular table of guys that were arguing with the presenter throughout the entire presentation. The presenter was talking about what to do if one of your mates was talking inappropriately about another recruit. The guys started arguing about well what if they’re drunk or what if they are just joking around and hearing that I was like welp....I have lost more faith in men. But then the presenter was talking about people of color and how they were all going to work with all sorts of people from different backgrounds. The guys then started talking about how people are racist against white people too and when I heard this I was like thats not the point...of course there is racism against white people but it is a lot less common. This is based on statistics of problems that happen in the army. Then the presenter was talking about sexual assault towards men and what they can do to protect themself. One of the guys rose his hand and said well I keep my tool on me. I mean who says that?? Anyway the presenter was like oh you keep it for self defense? And the guy said that’s part of the reason and that was a big WTF moment. Like what??? But the worst part was when the presenter was going over scenarios of girls being in situations of sexual assault. Now the thing is that this is an actual big problem in the army and in my personal opinion I think it’s a big reason why there aren’t as may girls in the military. While the presenter was going over the scenarios the guys were snickering at their table and poking fun. That really scares me. This just shows how some guys really don’t take it seriously.....reminds me of a couple people...and that is terrifying. Let’s just say that the ringleader of that group was excused from the ROTC for his behavior. A really big message was sent out and the commanders or whatever their title is were pissed. This is just scary. From my experiences and hearing things like this it makes me lose a lot of faith in men. There was this trend where a person was going up to girls and asking whether they would like to be stuck in the woods with a bear or a guy and almost all of them said bear. A lot of guys got angry but the example I just gave is just a small one of multiple of why girls would rather be stuck with a bear. I told my best friend about this and she said she would choose to be in the woods with a man, not because she had faith in them but because she thought she could take them. What has this world come to? If you look up the statistics it is just scary. 85%-90% of abused victims are women. 85% of victims of domestic violence are women in relationships. 90% of adult rape victims are women, and about 80% of juvenile victims are women. I am not saying it doesn’t happen to men because it does it that is still scary but these are just statistics. So to the guys that are angry about girls not trusting men, well here you go. To be honest if I ever date a guy again I want to educate them more on this. Of course not right away but when I tell them more about my story I just want them to understand. Also maybe have them read text messages from Nick so they understand why I am so scared. Lucas never really took my problems seriously and I keep thinking that if I sent him the messages from my ex and the email he sent me after we broke up and blocked him. To be honest I feel like my story should be enough. Also how my ex tried to contact me multiple times after I blocked him and told him we were done. This included email, texting, calling, and even online video games. Why did he never take it seriously? All he wanted was sex which now is just crazier because if he wanted that so badly I am the wrong person to go to. I told him my story before we stated dating so it’s like uuuuhhhhh. I know there are nice guys out there.....maybe. The friend I hung out during new years eve I was talking to about this. She’s also bi and she said how after her last relationship she is seriously considering never dating men again. So I know it’s not just me that feels this way. The thing is now I feel like men are being educated more but there are still men that feel like it’s ok to look at women like objects. I went to a private mormon school and mormons are more old fashioned and that caused problems at my school. There was the skirt incident and that was pretty bad. At my school we had to wear uniforms and the girls had to wear skirts. Anyway one day there was an all girl assembly and one of the top administrators, who was a woman by the way, started talking about how we need to walk and sit more properly with skirts. I was so confused. Then she said how we are not to blame for the guys actions and we can’t be blamed for them looking up our skirts and that’s when I knew something happened. While she said that she also contradicted it so badly, talking about how we need to be more appropriate. Just keep in mind we do need to wear biker shorts underneath. Anyway she asked if anyone had any questions and a girl shouted out, “well when is there going to be an assembly for the guys to not look up our skirts” and let’s just say that caused a big uproar and they ended the assembly pretty quickly. Turns out a guy was taking pictures up girls skirts and we got blamed for it. I’m not sure if this is true but supposedly they let the guy choose to leave the school and nothing would be put on his record which is messed up. Later in the year I was in a class and my teacher, who is really old and married, was talking about how when girls sit on tables it is super distracting. Then, Spencer Thomson who I hate and is on my list of people I want to punch, agreed and then said girls are just aaaaaasskiiing for attention when they dress a certain way. I was so mad. Then later I was in a study hall and me and my friend was talking about a famous museum that held the clothes of raped and sexually assaulted victims to show how they could be wearing anything and could be assaulted. Thomson, who was in front of us, turned around and repeated how they must have just been asking for it and I was so mad. Like seeing red mad. I wanted to shout at him and be like “oh yeah??? Do you think I was asking to be assaulted and treated like a sex toy?? Do you think I wanted that???” Another teacher, a woman, said how the girls need to wear long skirts so they don’t distract the male teachers and that’s scary. Like Jesus Christ. None of this is appropriate. So...again...guys if you’re wondering why girls are scared there are a lot of guys out there that have this mind set and it is TERRIFYING. You don’t know what are the true intentions of a guy. Are they friends with you because they just see an opportunity? I saw a clip on Youtube of a guy saying how guys can never just be friends, how they are always looking for an opportunity and he was saying it dead ass. There are clips of girls saying how it isn’t possible because they know their guys friends are most likely friends with them because they are just seeking for an opportunity. Well...that was a lot lol. I’m going to try to go to bed now...maybe.
P.S. Thanks again for all the support ink heart! I hope your new years went well and you are doing great. Just remember your doing fantabulous even if it doesn't feel like it. You are not alone even if it may feel like it. YOU GOT THIS!!!