Dear Diary,
I am heading back to college tomorrow. Christmas break was fine. It was nice to get away for a little bit but I am ready to go back. I have my job interview so I hope I get the job, if not it’s not the end of the world because I have another one set up for somewhere else just in case I don’t land the first one. I haven’t finished my friends Christmas presents yet and I need to hurry up. The reason why they don’t have them yet is because all of them are out with their own families and I will see them again next week so I have a little more time to finish them. I still need to call Provo police because that is where Nick is at right now for college. The AF police haven’t done anything so I am hoping the other police will be more helpful. I am just so sick of Lucas. We haven’t talked since we have broken up. I deleted our text thread just because I don’t want to be scrolling and run into it over and over. I just know when I get back to college for the next week it is going to be full of roller blading, drawing, reading, and working/trying to get a job. The next semester doesn’t start until the 6th so I have a week to myself. It is going to be such a relief to be dropped off because I will be in control again and not have my parents hovering over me and treating me like a child. They just don’t understand that they need to let go. I am an adult now. It’s fine though because tomorrow I will be back. I also want to start jogging again. I did that during the summer and it helped my mental health and physical health so I want to put it back into my routine. My dorm building has treadmills so I can just go do that. Unfortunately it’s right next to a wall that is just a big window that looks into the little quad that everyone walks through. It will be kind of awkward to make eye contact while running with someone who is walking by lol. It is a popular place for people to walk by because the food court is right next to my building. But I also know Lucas walks by there all the time and he might see me and that would be awkward. I would just jog outside but it’s freezing. I also need to stop by Walmart and hobby lobby tomorrow to grab some things. I actually really like taking the bus just because I feel like it’s just a little pocket of time I can take in the day to just listen to music and not do anything. I could do that anywhere but I would feel like I need to do something at the same time but in the bus I don’t have enough time to pull something out so I can just listen. I hope I can get my sleeping schedule on track. My parents keep getting angry that I wake up at noon (even though it’s break and I am an adult) but it’s because I stay up until four. I can’t help it because my mind finds it the perfect time to just rerun all sorts of memories and thoughts. I need to actually go to bed at a good time tonight because I am getting driven back to college at 10 am and it’s a two hour drive back. Tomorrow I get to start wearing my masks. I wasn’t wearing them now because my parents would notice and would get angry/annoyed. Unfortunately my new ring broke. It is a fidget right with a flower on it that spins. Being the ADHD gremlin I am I played with that so much. I didn’t realize that the actual band of the ring was a more fragile/soft metal. I’m going to get super glue later and fix it. It was like 25 bucks on amazon and my mom gave it to me for Christmas. I wonder what Lucas tells people for the reason why we broke up. I wonder if he is going to pin it all on me. Looking back I see that I was a lot. Well the whole time I knew I was a lot. I thought I did a good job keeping it together though. He told me how I needed to smile more and how I always seemed depressed but I really couldn’t see it. I know there were days when it was hard but I kept a smile on my face and laughed with him and joked around and told stories. I don’t think he saw how much effort I actually was putting in trying to keep it together. I was trying really had to heal and going to therapy and writing in my journal and all these things to help myself do better. He’s probably just going to tell everyone how I was the toxic one. Maybe I was a little toxic though. I don’t want to admit it. No. No. I can’t trick myself into thinking that. I talked to him about my mental health and how it worked and asked him if it was ok if I shared things with him or if I need to keep more of it to myself. I gave him boundaries to help myself feel more comfortable. I was vulnerable with him. I did almost everything in the relationship. I can’t put blame on myself. I was trying really hard to be healthy and everything. He was the one that made fun of my eating disorder. It’s just with the relationships I have had none of the guys are willing to take responsibility. I took the responsibility even though it wasn’t my fault. I took responsibility for Nicks tantrums, saying it was my fault. I took responsibility when Max got all angry and pissy at me for going on a one in a life time trip to Europe. I took responsibility for how Lucas felt and how he got mad at me for something I can’t control and I was trying to heal. I am such a people pleaser. In the end I know I’m not perfect and there are things I want to work on. I know in all these relationships I wasn’t perfect. I know I had my moments of flaring up and getting angry or sad unreasonably. It’s something I am working on. Anyway, when his family or friends asks why we broke up what is he going to say? Whatever truth he says it isn’t going to sound good. If he really told the truth and said we broke up because he was sick of my PTSD from keeping us from making out that would anger a lot of people. I bet he isn’t telling the truth. Or maybe he is because he doesn’t see anything wrong with his thought process. I just know that I have a new person added to my list of people I would like to slap. I need to get over this. I’m dragging my feet at this point. It’s just....I remember when I finally got out of the relationship with Nick, the one who gave me my PTSD and three months later I was feeling really sad about it. I went to my mom and she said, it’s been three months you should be over this already. That hurt. But I kind of just have the same mindset. I just need to get over it.
P.S. I hope you are doing fantabulous ink heart! Time for some cheesy lines. No matter comes your way you got this! You seem really kind and just know anyone who gets to have a relationship/friendship with you is lucky. My cats say also say hello and send their well wishes.