Clam up

Dear Diary,

It is late but I am having such a hard time sleeping. I keep thinking about my love life and what a mess it is. I know everyone is sick of hearing it and just wants me to move on and just stop being so annoying about it. I really don’t mean to be. It’s a goal for the new year that I just shut my mouth. I have talked about all I can really talk about with people. They can’t do anything and my friends are sick of it. They have been so supportive and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without them but they aren’t there just to listen to the same story over and over. My masks are going to take a little bit to arrive so I will be wearing any washable mask I can find in my house or a cheap one at Walmart or wherever I can find one. I just want to hide from all this. I want to be able to just drop it and leave it behind me. I am already thinking what my next relationship is going to be like and I know I shouldn’t be looking at that so fast. Me and Lucas broke up just a month ago, I can’t be thinking of getting into a relationship yet. It would be too fast. I know the problem in the relationship was Lucas because he wasn’t treating me right but I do think that my mental health and the problems I was facing weren’t helping. I am such a loud mouth and don’t do a good job keeping things to myself. It is something I want to work on. People seem to have a hard time telling people things but I have no problem. I am the most open book there is and it’s a problem. I have the opposite problem of people and I need to clam up more. I have had people tell me I talk to much and whatever so I need to shut up. Next semester is an opportunity to meet new people so I need to take advantage. That’s what I love about college because you are never stuck with the same people. There are so many people on campus to talk to so it mixes it up. The friends I have now I am going to shut up about the whole thing and new friends I make in the future I’m going to keep to myself. No one needs to know about my struggling love life and what a failure it is. I don’t want to tell my future relationships about it until I am sure it’s ok. I just need to shut up and shut down. I know this sounds like such a bad thing to do but in my case it’s needed. I feel like I haven’t been doing a good job with my friends. I keep telling myself that friendships are two way streets and I need to put in the effort. I don’t want my friends to think I’m with them just for someone to talk to. I really care about them and love them individually for their own unique personalities. I always ask how they are doing and try really hard to let them know I am so grateful for them and I ask them if I talk too much about this kind of stuff. I am not ready to see Lucas next semester. I won’t be able to see him just strutting around, acting like nothing happened. I know I need to see myself in a personal light. But Jesus it’s hard! I have lived a whole life of me questioning my self worth that it is just etched there. Not going to lie I blame a lot of it on my parents. I mean....they were the ones that started my eating disorder in the first place. It was an incident that was taking place when me and Nick were dating but in secret. I was trying to find a therapist to talk to and my dad took me to one to see if she was a good fit. We sat down and the therapist asked if it was ok if my dad was there during the meeting and he said yeah I’m staying. Because of this I wasn’t able to fully honest with my situation. Ot finally got to the questions about my eating habits. Around this point I had lost weight because my anxiety from the nick situation was causing so much stress it caused awful stomach aches. These would keep me from eating and it got to the point where it was hard to drink water. I began throwing up every night because of how sick I felt. I told my parents but my mom did her lets wait a week and see how it goes. I was like this for a month and a half before she finally took me to the doctor. Anyway she asked about my eating habits and my dad said oh I’ve noticed she has been eating less. I was surprised he actually noticed something about me once in his life and it seemed like he actually cared. And then he dropped the bomb. This moment is etched into my mind and will be forever. He said “but I see it as a good thing.” He saw it as a good thing that I wasn’t eating as much. This tore into me and hurt so much. I also remember times my mom made comments. The day before prom she told me not to eat as much if at all so I could fit into my dress. That stung a lot. There are so many other instances of them making comments about my body. When it comes to other ways they have really ground down my self worth the list would go on and on. The police still haven’t done anything with my report. I am thinking I should just start doing weekly calls so I they will always know I’m there. So they don’t have an excuse to “forget” about me. They are willing to go out and sit at a stop sign to make sure everyone is fully stopping but aren’t willing to help with a rape case??? I know this is the case because last time I was at the police station for the report (which was around a month after I put in the case) I heard them taking calls for people complaining about drivers not fully stopping or going exactly the speed limit and the receptionist telling them they would send someone out there. I know these things take time but when I last called them the inspector told me she was still trying to set up interviews and I know that’s bullshit because no one I have given numbers to has she contacted. It’s been over half a year now since the report. What are they doing??? Playing strip poker??? Idk it could be anything at this point. I just need my mind to stay busy. I want to work myself to the bone to keep my mind off all this. I want my mind to only focus on the essentials. Work, school, family, friends. Mostly work and school though. I need to work myself half to death to really keep all these thoughts and feelings at bay. I will be too tired at this point to think. I know I need to go to therapy more but I don’t know what to say. Talk about the same things I have been? I am just ashamed at how broken I am. There isn’t much to work with when it comes to me. I was looking at my oldest entry on my new journal on my computer (October 27) and this is what I put. “Lucas promised me he will support me through it all but will he? It will soon be too much for him and he will leave because of it. I know me and Lucas won’t be together forever but if we break up because of this then that will hurt so much.” I called it almost as soon as me and Lucas’s relationship started. I knew he would leave me because of what happened. It kept me from having sex with him so he left. I knew it. I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT SON OF A BITCH WOULD LEAVE ME!!! He couldn’t support me. I don’t want to be needy. I want all these swirling feelings to leave me. I want them to stop haunting me. I want them to just leave me alone. What did I do to deserve this? All I have done is try my best. Is my best not enough? I feel like I am trapped in a whirlwind of pain. Unbelievable pain. I have been able to get through the day without the feelings affecting me too much but when it comes to the night they just pour out of me. An unbelievable longing for love. A paralyzing fear of physical touch. The feeling of just wanting to fall to my knees and cry. To cry for what I have lost. I have lost so many things. I lost my innocence in one of the worst ways possible. I have lost the ability to fully trust, especially men. I have lost people I thought loved me and would be there for me. I do live a good life and I have a lot of fun throughout the day, I don't doubt that. I had a lot of friends hanging out with friends and family and I forget about it for a while but at night it tumbles out. People always talk about not focusing on the negative so much and I do do that but at night when my mind runs wild it's hard to do. Lucas has really damaged me. Of course not as bad as Nick but he is up there. Why would he say those things to me? He was supposed to love me. He was supposed to be there for me. Saying outright that he saw me as an object. Making it very clear that he just wanted to have sex already. Something else I fear is that once I do give myself to someone in that way they will be disappointed and see it as worthless. That would hurt big time. Me finally showing one of, if not the, most vulnerable part of me and just saying how it wasn’t good enough. Jesus Christ. I also went through me and Nick’s old text thread. I kept it just in case the police needed it. I went through it and it just hit me again how toxic he was. It made me really question....how did I make it out of there? How? The texts were only half of the relationship and I just don’t know how I survived. How did I get through it? It’s probably because I was so blind sited by love that I looked past everything. I keep thinking what Lucas would have thought if I let him read parts of it. Would he had understood more? Would he had been disgusted on how I let myself be pushed around? Still, I shouldn’t need to show him screenshots for him to finally take it seriously. I just hope things will be better. I just hope I will get peace. I just hope I will find someone that wants me for me.

P.S. Ink heart I really appreciate the support you have given. It means a lot that you take the time out of your day to read the thoughts of a stranger. I see you have left comments on all sorts of different entries and just know everyone really appreciates it. While I might not be them, I know they feel this way. Thank you for the love.