Dear Diary,
God I am suffering from a broken heart big time. Everywhere I look there is relationships and love and boyfriends and girlfriends. I can’t stop thinking of Lucas. I keep thinking about the times he stayed the night and slept in my bed with me. He hugged me and stroked my hair and I felt so loved. It’s too bad all of it was a lie. We watched movies and laughed together. We held hands and hugged and kissed. We laid on the floor talking about life. But in the end I was an object. He admitted it to me. He was annoyed with my PTSD because it kept us from having sex. He made fun of me to the point where it was so degrading. He made fun of my eating disorder and what music I listened to and what I said and what I wore and how I didn’t keep up on my shaving and how my room wasn’t as neat and how I wasn’t as on top of my school work like he was. He never paid for our activities and always made excuses for not planning dates and it was all up to me. I remember only one time in the entire two and a half month relationship that he actually called me pretty or said anything about me being attractive. I was always the one who gave compliments. He never did. He never made me feel like I had any worth. He wasn’t there to give me support about the police case. He avoided it like the plague. I know some people would say he was just avoiding it to keep me from hurting but he would legit just change the subject when I talked about it and my frustrations with the police. The real reason why I am excited for next semester is because I am going to be too busy to think. I am going to work myself silly to the point where I will be too tired to think. I don’t want to think about this. The emotions go up and down all day when it comes to Lucas. Feeling so angry at him and then feeling so hurt and sad and then missing him (I’m never going back though) and feeling worthless and then angry again. It is just an endless cycle. Does he ever think of me? Is he hurt at all from this? I kept thinking about what I wrote yesterday about how I imagined us having sex for the first time would be like but it just scared me. The thought of being in an unfamiliar room in the dark, showing the most vulnerable part of myself to someone who could do anything. I then thought again about how any guy would like me if I am unable to have sex and that just hurts so much. No one will love me because of this. Will anyone see me as beautiful? Am I even pretty? Or am I just someone that everyone sees as an annoying little ugly gnat that they can’t get rid of. I just want a guy that loves me. I want someone that loves me for me. Maybe they just see me as basic and as someone who just doesn’t have anything to offer. I was watching YouTube shorts and I watched this one about a guy talking about what to look for in girls and he said quiet girls because they tend to be the most interesting and I’m like well that isn’t me in a million years. I’m probably one of the loudest girls there are. I don’t mean to be but I am a big chatterbox and am quite loud. I don’t mean to be but I am. That’s something else I remember with Nick is that I was talking loud and told me to quiet down because it was embarrassing. I don’t mean to be loud I really don’t. It just reminds me of something my mom told me. I was talking about how I’m loud and how I don’t do well to control it and how people can get annoyed and I said well it’s fine this is how I am and I am going to be myself. She goes no don’t do that because you need people to like you. That stung a lot. Freaking Lucas. Can I please break up with a guy for a reason other than me having the problem of being objectified? Fucking Lucas you son of a bitch. I’m just listening to love songs and I know that probably doesn’t help but I can’t help it. I’m especially listening to the love songs Lucas sent me when we sent a new song to each other everyday. It hurts. He sent me the song Speechless and I can’t stop listening to it. When he sent me that song I listened to it nonstop for the whole day because of how happy it made me. Now I’m listening to it because of how sad it makes me which is ironic. I remember the day I sent him my special love song and I told him how it had special meaning to me and after he listened he said it deserved a 4/10 and that stung. The song is called Because Of You and the reason why it has meaning is because for each of my relationships I listened to it with my boyfriend. It was me showing how I loved them, especially when we were in the car and I sang it to them while it played. It might seem so weird that it’s special because each one of my boyfriends have listened to it but it’s a song that reminds me how I was able to get out of those relationships. I guess I am just hoping one day I will listen to this song with the love of my life. I would sing it to them and it is one of the biggest ways I show my love. We listen to it and I sing it and we hold hands and we look at each other and smile and maybe he would sing along with me. The song is so controversial for me, it makes me cry my eyes out and it makes me so sad but I can’t stop listening to it. I just want to be that girl in the song so badly. To be with someone that felt like I changed them for the better and how I brighten up their day and how they see me as someone so special and important to them. I want to be treated that way. I literally have to take breaks from writing this part because I am crying so hard. Listening to the song while typing this isn’t a good idea but here we are. One day I will listen to this song with the love of my life...if that day ever comes. Maybe it never will. Maybe I am destined to listen to this song by myself forever. I want to be asked to be theirs. I want to be with someone that calls me their heaven and night. I want to be with someone who feels like they see the world for the better because of me. Will I ever be a special someone? Maybe I am just destined to be a sex worker. It’s how all my other boyfriends saw me. A sex toy, an object for pleasure. I want to be the girl in that song so badly. I want to be wanted. Don’t I deserve that? Will I ever be wanted for my heart instead of my body? I want to be asked to be theirs. I am waiting for the day when someone tells me that genuinely. That they genuinely want me. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. The love of my life....if your out there....please just give me a sign that you are there. That you will come get me and love me. He might not even exist though. If that’s the case I want to know so I can stop trying and getting hurt over and over. I’m done with getting beat up so much.