December 03, 2024

I was pleasing sexually too much the people in my past, and they used me and hurt me sexually too many times. I wasn’t strong enough to say “No, I don’t like it” - I was too weak and too busy pleasing them. Then I became overwhelmed, as pleasing others meant almost always feeling pain. I got overwhelmed and tired and exuded to stop it. Now I don’t have any sexual relationships, and when something seems to lead to a sexual act - I feel danger. The feeling of anxiety and danger serves as a mechanism for defending me from sexual abuse and pain, because I guess am still not strong enough. When I will feel safe, knowing that nothing can hurt me, I can defend and protect myself, I can stop any harm, the feeling of danger will just not appear and my libido will normalise, the pain may fade away too.