Dear Diary, the moon drops from the sky, and sun burns bright thick beams of sun light as yellow as honey chases the shadows from my mind. Leaving not a doubt in my mind about him. I did want him tonight. He was even here with me. But I chose to play music, smoke meth, smoke cigarettes and be nostalgic. I lost my pipe for half the night. So I was literally kinda freaking out about where I put it and if mums finds it before I do when she does come home from the hospital. It was in my top cupboard where my clothes hang. I seriously thought I put it back in its usual hiding spot. Next me fourth piece of clothing hanging is a black handbag with zippers and a noisy metal box of mints that like to rattle every time I search for something to wear. I do remember going up there to the box of old diaries thinking I should read them or burn them to hell hmm haven't quiet decided yet.
My puppy is so cute on my bed laying on my queen sized bed taking up mostly all of the space I'm literally on the edge of the bed. Gagh.nah she's okay she looks comfy. He name is bambi. Were kind of a wolf pack. Except I'm the only one who actually howls at the moon.
Bright eyes.
But
I still darkness in my eyes my cobwebs.
I have about two ciggies left.
No coffee.
Mozart with no piano.
A true addict.
I can have it anyway.
Coffee, milk, two sugar.
Coffee with just milk no sugar.
Cream and coffee with two sugars.
Coffee and no milk with two sugars.
My brother and dad cal me a double AA battery.
F.Y.I:
I have a new tattoo.
Yeah!
It's a butterfly in the middle of my chest. It's cute l. It's still scabbing and it kinda gets itchy.
Ahhh. Woah. December already. Summer court is ruling .
*Nods head twice*
Storms are almost every day this far into summer. Hail has happened, even. It's left holes in my roof pagola outside in the patio area. I sit there sometime mostly. It's my favourite spot to hang out. I went from the crib. To mums day care at the gym every day for two hours with Penelope and Rhonda which I at first hated because I was being treated like a baby firstly and secondly they were seperating me from my mum. But they use to entice me that's okay and help them look after the babies. So I would push the prams back and forth. I would watch movies and like the land before time, ya know that animated dinosaur movie made in the 90's. With little foot. Also the Rugrats used to play with Tommy, chucky and angelica. Yeah. That one!
Mum was strong.
But after losing her mum three years ago..
She mourned.
And like how fear can eat at you. So can mourning. I don't judge her. I just like try and be there for her with whatever she needs. I like to cook food for her. She just stays in her room and cries.
She has seen the mask of death.
Fear eats eats away at her now.
As if she will one day wear the same mask.
With marble glass eyes, cold skin, gaping open mouth. Not breathing. I got angry at her when we all went up to the hospital to say goodbye to her at 1am In the morning kindly getting a lift from Julie. Who lives down the road. That's her other daughter. I felt mum become small again as she walked into the small hospital room and walked to be by her side. Mums reaction was the only real response of true emotion. The others just sniffled and wiped their crinkled tissues to the noses. I should of used spirit on her. But it was too late in the night. I was tired. I had a few too many drinks and everything felt rushed. Seven people were all around her hospital bed I tried shutting her mouth so much wouldn't be like that. I tried opening her eye lids even I'm pretty sure. I was disappointed in the fact that when I was looking after her at the hospital when no one else wanted to.. she was getting better. She was thirsty. Asking for drinks. Eating custards and sucking through a straw. She would call my name and I would go to her. Even when sleep was a few heartbeats away. I would lay on the recliner chair and go to her. I would hold her hand tightly and and coo her to go back to sleep. I would say your okay. Because she was with me. I knew it. I felt it. I wasn't letting her go anywhere especially into some phantom illusion of a place that only she can go and me not go even though where in the same room. She was warm to my touch. Her skin soft with age. But that's how it always felt. As we would cling to each other I would bring her to me by saying yes I'm here your okay. She would breathe a sigh and it was like she was scared to sleep incase the darkness would swallow her whole and never let her go. The night we said goodbye, her face looked suspicious. Surprised, even though death masked it. As if the last person to have stayed with her had murdered her. As if someone she trusted to stay with her when she was unwell glimmers of hope obviously to get better on everyday's horizon, disappearing from a murderer. Someone who for years has put fear in her. Someone to persuade you to believe in something that is not. Someone who doesn't even sleep in the same bed. Someone who looks creepy as a person to begin with. Someone who is bitter. Someone who is classified as a means grumpy old man. Someone who doesn't even talk much. Even I when I was growing up and visiting their house was scared of him. I was try to even avoid looking in his direction. He would huff and puff and rest his ankle of his other legs knee while sitting on the couch. Never ever really doing anything but going on his computer and video recording all of our Christmas parties we had as a family. Never went for a swim in his pool. Just would record us all. I don't think I ever got to even watch one video. I'm 29. He stopped recording when Nana passed. Making Nana have a heart attack by spending all the mortgage money on pokie machines. So he has to get a job at Coles. I saw him driving right past me one time so I waved because I'm nice even though... Maybe because he's a familiar face. Also he just ignored me.. I swear on purpose. I felt so silly after. I was like so that's how it is. Someone who loves, actually mourns.
He doesn't.
If he was planning.
If he did.
I was on angel dust listening to my headphones drinking coffee at 2am in the morning and he literally appeared in the backyard. His glasses glinting and reflecting light. He stood there. Behind the glass near my backdoor. Where I usually like to hang out and sit and smoke ciggies. He was staring at me like what am I doing here. Well he was summoned by me. As demons have a master they like to call the devil so they are like bitches really. So it was easy. And like I wanted to see if he did murder Nana or not because we all know the story of killers and how their evil. So if he was evil he would be a demon and therefore I would be able to summon him and slay him. Revenge.
I don't know how he was able to disappear from me. After about maybe a few slow heartbeats and me still a little shocked that it was true I went to where he stood. There on the ground was a big wet puddle. Like he literally pee'd himself. I'm serious. What the hell.
I tried to re-summon him. But it was like he was smart and didn't come to my call again. I wasn't really that prepared I just got brave on angel dust and coffee beans and the moonlight. I don't know how to actually slay a demon and in definately not a real life killer. So like.. yeah I tried to come up with a poem that I was recite to him to make him listen to make his brain think and churn and chew on those words until it killed him. I couldn't like use a axe or anything.. it went in the name of Nana. Ashes to Ashes, flames or some shit. With intentions of him also perishing in fire. Just like how she did. Mum will get her revenge she sort of just has to piece it together. Neatly. Flame to a fire , Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, I reap you in your mind like a locked box seeing nothing but nothingness. As black as your heart. Which reminds me of my poem actually that I made up years ago. I tried for another half an hour or so but got bored of it and danced again. Because isn't that what actually happened to her. How did he backfire it. I went to his house you know.. when he was home. In broad day light. I wore my hood. I walked up to his house and carved a heart into his brick house and wrote his name is the middle of it. I stabbed the heart piercing it waiting for actual blood to ooze from the wall. Cursing his name. Wishing it was his actual heart.
But I then just walked away and back to the car. I hope he does see it. I hope he knows I know. I hope he knows I remember him that night. That creepy vibe he gives off. Man I wish maybe I could of made a better relationship where I wasn't scared of him or think he's creepy and weird were like he was this nice amazing person perfect for Nana not manifesting all this as an ending in the facts that I was right.
Maybe it is my fault.
Well he did have this infatuation with my older cousin. She seemed to be his favourite. With blonde long hair. Blue baby girl eyes. A beach babe . A dancer and model. His eyes would lunger on her the most out of all the kids. She completely oblivious and innocent😇 . She doesn't think like that. But everyone else notices. Maybe she would be used to far more attention from boys her actual age. She is very popular.
Though over the years she's kinda lightly treating me as I did Nanas killer. As if he's the one pulling the strings of our family and how things should turn out for each us.
But that was Nanas job.
She was queen.
Maybe he's the disease in our family now. Invited in. Willingly. Accepting too. With no past.
Power on his side now.
Hate eating at him.
Destroying my family one by one with problems.
Him. Lives in Nanas home she paid for. Works with my older cousin until he quit from there. He got her a job so he could be close to her. He actually laughs with her. I've seen it lots. I say hey or hello and smile and he just grunts. I've seen him at Julie's four houses down the road from my house sitting on the couch being the most cheery I've ever seen him. Relaxed. He even bounces his foot up and down excitedly to as nd imaginary beat. Like he's still reviling in his kill with Nana as if that's her heart beating. And when the beating stops he puts his hands on his balding black haired head and tilts his head sideways and smiles. Except it's not a nice smile but more of a troll grinning all toothless and like a black holey mouth. He doesn't even look after the animals Nana used to cherish and love. He went o visit his suspicious 90 something year old mother down the coast. Like he acts like a baby man. Dude he actually wears cotton button up all the way long sleeved shirts and matching long pants set to bed with pictures on them. He used to make Nana watch the whole tennis. She would say she liked it. But I always doubted it. Dude tennis goes for like 5 hours straight. Just back and forth hitting a little green ball with a wired criss cross oval shape made out of metal with a handle. Making grunting sounds each time the ball is being hit. Seriously Nana?
Well I do like tennis. But making her watch it for hours is so cruel.
She always likes horror movies. Like hardcore ones. Where I would walk in and she would be there sitting next to her 4 metered fish tank filled with exotic black fish with three yellowish white stripes. Rocking back and forth on hr favourite sheepskin covered recliner rocking chair watching people in a movie 🎥 escape the water they had fallen I to 400 metres from shore surrounded by paranas man and you could see them bitting the flesh off the people's bones it would go skin - blood- white meat- bone. Carnivorous fish.
Swimming to try to get closer to shore but being eaten at alive!
Watching jackass.
Jamie cracking raw eggs in his mouth with milk and the swallowing it then vomiting and cooking it then eating it.
He would always go into the toilet when I went there and when I needed to go it would smell so bad. And black stuff would be on the toilet seat. Like a cockroaches crumbs. Like dude I don't know demonic shit.
I'm serious. He likes to play with wood. He once showed me his white old boxed shaped computer that was in the sunroom and let me play this game where you find stuff. Like a key. Then you walk down a lane to a house then you use the key to go into the house. Then I the house you would find I don't know I can't really remember now but maybe I rake. Then you would exit the house and a patch of garden with vegetable would happen to appear and so you would rake the vege patch. And yeah it was pretty fun.
You had to use
Only the arrow keys.
That was the only day I ever remember him being friendly. Ever. And then we had the same computer at home at yancee street. My brother would play games on it. I just sat next to him on a chair. Im pretty sure we were laughing and talking. Next minute mum walks in with a bar of soap. And says come here. Open your mouth. I'm putting soap in it. Kail was first that night. And then I opened my mouth and she literally pushed the bar in and out of my mouth like 5 times soap grazing my teeth. Chunks. She did help me wash it out under the tap of the sink in the bathroom. But I swear me and Kail didn't swear. I hope he remembers. Anyways.
I liked playing my older brothers games.
His Playstation 1.
Crash bandicoot which I only ever made it to level 8. You Know the boulder chasing after you and you had to like run faster than it. I would always get squished.um need for speed. Yeah he always liked to talk about new games and what they were about.
Tekken 1.
His clear cased Gameboy where you could see the wires and games like donkey Kong were heaps fun. It's true being the youngest you do get the hand me downs. Like I did get all his bikes. He has now upgraded to the playstation five. I can't keep up with the games he plays now. A blueprint of grass and hills with a wired fence with sheds and shit. He would have again and just run down his and up hills. I didn't really understand that game. I like guitar hero. But I wouldn't get a present like that fron Santa because his things are his. We have our own things. We drink from our own drink bottle and never share.
We even bounce at different times on the trampoline. We just are different. He's always getting hurt. He's always tying out new things. He's athletic and a good role model. He should of been school captain but he's too cool for that. Doesn't mean he wasn't a leader. Im pretty sure he lead that whole school. He was always invited to parties. He was aloud to drink at 16 years old. He was brought everything he wanted by mum and dad. Cars, motorbikes, haircuts as a teenager. He was aloud at girls houses at 13. My friends were all religious and and black and then I had to always be told what to wear. My brother got to be all carefree and I was shielded from the world and everyone. I would sleep in my parents bed until I was like eighteen. The only thing I liked about sleepovers was the ice cream. My brother never really even went to family outings. He was always at a friends house. Going to underage raves and all the girls wanted to date him. This one time this girl names Lauren made me have to go to the principles office when I was In grade two thinking what was wrong when she said that I said that I called her a bitch. Dude! So lame. Just because she couldn't be with my brother and he chose her friend over her.
Ugh!
Hes a footy superstar.
We always had to fill out weekends with his football matches which I loved because I got a little freedom to go play in the park area and meet other kids.
But we would end up being competitive and racing each other or something. I don't think I get along with any other girl. Not even my brother's girlfriend likes me. Like comeon.
I'm always smiling. I like the monkey bars the most at the playgrounds. I can stay on the for like an hour.
I like skipping. Double Dutch. Crisscross. Crossover. Backwards. I love roller blading. And ice skating. I like going to underage digi roller rinks and skating to music and lights.
I like makeup.
I love getting my hair done and hair extentions.
I have a beauty spot like Marylin Monroe. I weakness growing older is my teeth. But my dad said he's going to get me two I plants for my birthday. They cost a lot. Money I don't have
It doesn't stop me from fully laughing.
It's probably cute. But temporary.
My hair mysteriously curls at night. I wake every morning to find it like that. I wish my real hair would grow faster than it is lol. Its currently just past my shoulders. But I like to put extensions in mostly everyday. Theye 23inches or something. I like to put pink eye shadow around my top eyelip just like a straight line and on the lower eyelid. I like to use a golden glow powder on the tip of my nose. I like to use foundation and powder. I like wearing either black lipstick or pale pink.
Mascara yes.
Eyeliner sometimes.
My mum has her eye lids tattooed to look like permanent eyeliner. Pretty cool.
Cleopatra kinda vibes / Barbie girl.
Except you know that myth about where Cleopatra was in a secret suicidal club of drinking. Were my mum isn't.. not anymore.
I wasn't even aloud to drink when I turned the legal age to drink. I don't remember my eighteenth birthday. Um probably nothing like every year. I never get presents. Not even for Christmas. I understand right now it's tough for my mum to get back into a world without her mum. And to celebrate we must celebrate. Well ❤️🩹 she is still sore. Julie Nanas other daughter says she just needs to get over it. Like she always says well she's not here anymore. Or you have to just move on with your life. I did get into twilight. And my parents encouraged that. I like books and reading. If you know a good book just type a title in the comments section. Hehehe.
I smoke.
I should go and have one right now but im trying to space them out. Only two remember.
I'm cuddling a plush Santa toy.
I prayed tonight under our Christmas tree. For Jesus and god and our family. Me, teddy, his daddy, my brother, mum and dad.
2k20. Was such a bad year.
This year was also bad.
Last year too was bad.
Inbetween those years were also bad.
So next year I hope will be better.
In what ways?
We have a new house. (This house were renting is being sold and we have until February to find a new place and move out) but me and mum don't have full time income and and no man with an income for to he lease. Were just to Malibu Barbie's living with our puppy and teddy. We don't have the credentials or money to buy a house or to rent one. And ndis ( national disability scheme) , (remember I have schizophrenia) wont assist us with a house with more than one bedroom. So even if they approve my application for sda.. mum and bambi will be homeless in her car.
Im glad to have found my pipe because if she would of found it I would be back in hospital again for the third Christmas. Since my teddy being born. I've missed out on four years of his life from the Australian government seperating us.
They even found a place for him to stay. It's only a two minute walk down the road past a pond and down a lane way to a cold a sack on the left down a rocky driveway to a rickety wooden little gate.
Saying that their family. They even gave him his last name as theirs. Collins.
He's not one of them.
They're like a piglet family filing their fat bellies with food all the time and their minds with lies. The so called grandmother is so mean to me. Dude I low-key think she thinks she's a witch or some shit. I never had sexual relations with her son. Ew.
His little skinny sausage. I dont think so.
I think I would know what enters me.
Man...
Far out.
The government sucks.
So mind washing.
Mind controlling.
Being poor sucks.
Being a girl sucks sometimes.
Hey yeah that's right! I stared donating my money to a charity called world vision ❤️ 🙏 this young boy called solemon. He's eight years old and from Ethiopia. All the way across the world. 🌍 I hope he has updated to MTV and wifi by now. With pimping gold chains around his neck wearing turtle necks, Nike airs and jeans.
His community truly do appreciate my donations they even made me short video over the I ternet but I can't seem to log into my world vision portal profile to view it yet. I did miss the last payment I think. But I'm trying to keep up with my life and his. And Teddy's.
And mums.
Yes mum is in a vicious cycle of wearing the same clothes over and over again.
Since you know what.
Maybe if she did die peacefully mum would be peaceful about it too but because it was vicious and malicious and suspicious yeah
It wasn't a happy ending. if it's not happy it's not the end. Teddy says that.