What am I carrying today?
Here I am, starting over… again. It's become almost routine—this cycle of beginning again. I’m not discouraged by it, because in a way, I have no choice but to keep trying. For every failure in the past, I've gained something valuable. Every mistake, every misstep, has been a lesson in disguise. I am learning to be grateful for my failures, for they’ve shaped me into who I am today, even if I haven't always been the best version of myself. I tried, and that’s something I can be proud of.
This morning, though, I felt the weight of inadequacy and shame. But I remind myself, gently, that I am not to blame. It's not my fault. There’s just been so much to carry over the years, so much to navigate, and I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.
I wonder sometimes—am I too sensitive? Too immature, perhaps, for letting every situation get to me? Or were these situations simply too difficult for anyone to bear without leaving a mark? I think it’s the latter. The past is heavy, and whatever has been, must remain there. I can’t keep carrying it. It’s too much. I don’t need to hold onto the pain anymore.
Today, I want to tell myself that today is the first day of my new life. But, how many times have I said that already? How can I trust myself when I've promised this before and failed? What makes today any different? Maybe it’s not just about trying harder or pushing more. Maybe it’s about trying differently. This time, I’m going to approach things with mindfulness, grounding, and self-compassion. I’ll give myself the care I never got from others.
There’s this brutal sense of judgment from others, yes, but also from myself. I’ve been so harsh with myself. I don't want to waste my energy on guilt anymore. I need to take action now. Because I know, deep down, that no matter what I’ve done, I never intended to harm anyone. My sense of guilt proves that I’m human. I care. And that’s important to remember.
I’ve been attached to the wrong people, and I’ve invested so much of myself into relationships where I wasn’t appreciated. But is that really my fault? I feel ashamed of it now, but should I be? The people who hurt me—the ones who broke my heart—didn't even take a second to reflect on the damage they caused. They moved on easily, without remorse or compassion for the pain they left behind. I carried their burden for far too long, but that wasn’t my responsibility to carry.
Today, I choose to put that down. I’m done with guilt, shame, and regret. I’m moving forward with what I have today, with the tools I have now. I am learning. I am growing. And I will carry only what I need to—nothing more.