or familiar feelings with 35y.o. Nora from “The midnight library”
Her work and personal life did not meet her expectations. She hadn’t been in touch with her family for a long time, especially her brother, and her relationship with her ex also didn’t work out… It feels very familiar. It’s hard to accept being 30+ and having nothing. Because everyone around insists that by 30 you should already have it all. And if you don’t – you’re a defective person. But the truth is, there’s no universal timeline for success. No one is defective — everyone has their own path. It just doesn’t match the imposed template. And even if everything feels empty right now — it’s not the end. It’s just a point along the way…
But let’s continue with the book’s main character…
Her cat was hit by a car. The next day she got fired. There are no more side jobs, people refused her help, and her friends are all busy with their own lives. Whenever she reaches out, everyone just talks about themselves.
In the store, she runs into an old school acquaintance, and the conversation hits a nerve:
“ I'm Kerry-Anne. Remember you from school. The swimmer. Super-brain. Didn't whatshisface, Mr Blandford, do an assembly on you once? Said you were going to end up at the Olympics?' Nora nodded.
'So, did you?'
'I, um, gave it up. Was more into music... at the time. Then life happened.'
'So what do you do now?'
‘I’m ….. between things.'
'Got anyone, then? Bloke? Kids?'
Nora shook her head. Wishing it would fall off. Her own head. Onto the floor. So she never had to have a conversation with a stranger ever again.
'Well, don't hang about. Tick-tock tick-tock.'
'I'm thirty-five' She wished Izzy was here. Izzy never put up with any of this kind of shit. 'And I'm not sure I want—'
'Me and Jake were like rabbits but we got there.
Two little terrors. But worth it, y'know? I just feel complete. I could show you some pictures.' “
- Oh, those wonderful ‘I’m-a-mom’ types and people rushing to have kids before 30 because society said so, and now they’re trying to shove that same timeline down everyone else’s throat. Why? Because they sacrificed their youth for it, so everyone else should too? And kids, oh yes, such a joy… But let’s be honest—there’s no bigger weight than carrying the responsibility of another life, especially when, let’s face it, before 30 (and sometimes even after) you barely know how to manage your own. Let’s not kid ourselves—kids are work, responsibility, and a whole lot of duty. The real happiness comes when they finally grow up, you’ve given them everything you could, and you can finally breathe and let them go.
And the absence of children doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them. But of course, it’s easy to forget that detail, right? After all, how dare she not be married, not be a mother by now, and, heaven forbid, not have a job! She’s clearly failed at life, right? Didn’t manage the cat, didn’t secure the perfect family, and forgot to check off every single societal box before the age of 30. What a disaster! Sh@t!!!
Trying to find some emotional understanding, she writes to her friend, but receives nothing in return:
“Seven hours before she decided to die, Nora was in free fall and she had no one to talk to”
By the time Nora begins to reflect on her future, she decides to write a letter to her friend, expressing her sense of hopelessness. The letter becomes her last attempt to reach out to someone who might understand her.”
- Oh, of course, once they’ve got their lives all figured out and reached ‘success,’ those friends forget the simple fact that sometimes, all someone needs is a few words of support. But hey, they’re too busy living their perfect little lives now, right? Friendship? Nah, it’s just an annoying little thing in the way of their ‘success.’ They’ve outgrown it.
She is still struggling with herself. If only the people around her could hear not just themselves, but also notice what’s right in front of them, maybe they could still stop her:
“Maybe she was just really crap at it. At life.
Whole hours passed by. She wanted to have a purpose, something to give her a reason to exist. But she had nothing. Not even the small purpose of picking up Mr Banerjee's medication, as she had done that two days ago. She tried to give a homeless man some money but realised she had no money.”
- Why don’t homeless people give up, though? Their situation is much worse, right? But no. Usually, homeless beggars get used to depending on handouts from others, and sometimes it becomes more comfortable to do nothing and receive help. Meanwhile, people who are used to doing everything themselves, when they lose their footing, lose their sense of purpose. They don’t know how to depend on others.”
She comes to the realization that no one needs her. And that’s something very important to her. Not everyone can cope with the thought that, in the end, we’re essentially only needed by ourselves in this life:
“ Three hours before she decided to die, her whole being ached with regret, as if the despair in her mind was somehow in her torso and limbs too. As if it had colonised every part of her.
It reminded her that everyone was better off without her. You get near a black hole and the gravitational pull drags you into its bleak, dark reality.”
She gets drunk and gives up. Everything hit her too suddenly, and she couldn’t handle it. She hasn’t achieved anything. But now she’s convinced that it’s too late:
“ After the wine a realisation hit her with total
clarity. She wasn't made for this life.
Every move had been a mistake, every decision a disaster, every day a retreat from who she'd imagined she'd be.
Swimmer.
Musician. Philosopher. Spouse.
Traveller. Glaciologist. Happy. Loved.
Nothing.”
She no longer sees herself in this life and starts longing for the one that once was and is now gone:
“ 'I miss you,' she said into the air, as if the spirits of every person she'd loved were in the room with her.“
She just wants to stop thinking and disappear:
“ She knew only one thing with absolute certainty: she didn't want to reach tomorrow. She stood up. She found a pen and a piece of paper.
It was, she decided, a very good time to die.”
And in that letter, it’s clear she fought for this life — maybe not strongly, maybe by reaching out to the wrong people… But it was exactly those “wrong people” who led her to the wish to disappear:
“ Dear Whoever,
I had all the chances to make something of my life, and I blew every one of them. Through my own carelessness and misfortune, the world has retreated from me, and so now it makes perfect sense that I should retreat from the world.
If I felt it was possible to stay, I would. But I don't.
And so I can't. I make life worse for people.
I have nothing to give. I'm sorry.”
One could say the heroine has a weak character and doesn’t know how to solve problems. But when all the problems pile up at once, and you can’t share them with anyone—let alone expect support, which you also have to learn to ask for—it’s hard to find a way out of that hole. And it’s even harder when you’re stuck in the thoughts of: ‘Why am I even here?’ It’s tough work to come to the realization that you don’t need to be needed by someone else. You just need to be for yourself. Life is short. It passes by, and you realize there’s so much you haven’t seen or done. It’s never too late to change things. It’s hard, it’s difficult, but maybe it’s worth it and you don’t have to give up just because you didn’t get support… We are the support we need. Unfortunately or fortunately… There are few people in the world capable of truly supporting others. To do that, they first need to fall into the pit themselves and crawl out of it on their own, without help, to understand how important support is for the ones they care about. And expecting someone to save you… Well, not everyone is so lucky…